I need someone to tell me that everything will be ok.

[Writerwannabe83]

Hello everyone, my first time posting in Relationships and I'm doing it because I feel so confused about my feelings.

I'm currently almost 31 weeks pregnant and despite having a wonderful DH (most of the time) I feel so alone. I've had a complicated pregnancy and have only worked about 6 days on and off since I was 10 weeks pregnant and was signed off for good at 14 weeks. I don't know if Cabin Fever is making things worse.

I have two on-going health problems which have been making the pregnancy difficult and I'm also severely anaemic. I'm at the hospital every 4 weeks having my health and baby's health monitored and there is a very high chance I'm going to be quite unwell after the birth. I'm booked in for an ELCs in just over 8 weeks.

I just feel like I'm on this journey on my own. This pregnancy has thrown my life and health upside down and he just gets to carry on his life as normal. He doesn't seem to show any genuine level of caring about how I'm feeling and half the time doesn't even remember when my hospital appointments are.

We were talking last night about life after the baby and he has absolutely no concept of how much I'm going to need his help and support. He doesn't see why having a baby means our lives are going to change and why he would have to change the way he lives his life - basically he intends to carry on with his sport/gym/socialising as normal instead of being at home with me and the baby. I just feel so alone.

We have been arguing a lot over the last month and last night I just boiled over. I just want to feel like me and the baby are his priority and that he understands why I feel so worried and lonely. In one way I'm dreading the baby coming because I am so scared I'm going to end up doing everything. I have nearly walked out on him at least 3 times after our arguments because I just feel like he doesn't care anyway.

DH has never been near a baby and he hasn't got a clue as to how hard newborns and babies in general are, he genuinely doesn't see why they have to change anything. I'm hoping this is why he's acting the way he is, that he's just being really, really naïve and that when the baby comes he will get a HUGE reality check. Various people have told me that men just don't 'get' pregnancy because they aren't the ones carrying the baby and so they don't have that same level of investment, concerns and worry that we do and take a very relaxed attitude to the whole thing. Are they right? Will everything turn out ok in the end?

I feel tired, hormonal and worried - I don't know which of my feelings are real and which ones aren't anymore.

I think it will be. He's got no idea what's coming (and neither do you!)

Once he sees what's needed I'm sure he'll sort himself out. My DH was also a bit clueless but is amazing and has stepped up more than I'd ever imagined.

Good luck

Does he acknowledge how worried you are?

"DH has never been near a baby and he hasn't got a clue as to how hard newborns and babies in general are"

That's a fairly thin excuse, as is the idea that men don't 'get' pregnancy just because they're not pregnant themselves. How many newborns have you spent long periods of time with? It's fairly self-evident that if the woman carrying your baby has a hospital appointment, the right thing to do is offer to accompany them and show some compassion. No brains required for that.

Neither of you really know how a new baby will impact on your lives. Lots of expectant parents say silly things like 'it won't change me' and 'the baby will have to fit round my lifestyle'.

So don't argue, but do lay out your expectations. Good luck

Does he acknowledge how worried you are?

Neither hubby or I had any experience of babies before we had our own. He'd never even held a baby!

My hubby was fab though. He was lucky that he could 'work from home'.

So for 2 weeks after us coming home, he did everything for our daughter, he only handed her back when I needed to feed her. Because if this he fully appreciated how hard things could be, and how dreadfully it can affect you when you feel at a loss on why baby is crying and how tired you can get.

Those first 2 weeks were the making of the years that were to follow as I knew he understand more than many about how hard it could be.

The last 5 years of my career have been working with babies and the last 2 have been focused on newborns and supporting new mothers/fathers. I try to explain to my husband how difficult things can be and how much I'm going to need him - because I see first hand how hard the reality is and how everything changes - but it doesn't seem to sink in. To be fair, if it wasn't for my job I'd probably have the same attitude as him.

I tell him how I feel, he tells me things will change but nothing really does. It feels like he's never home and we never spend quality time together. I spend my days doing the housework, the shopping etc and it's all become so mundane. I'm starting to resent him because he gets to go to work, go to the gym, come home and just lie on the sofa. There is so much stuff we need to do on the house before the baby arrives but I just know it's never going to get done.

They say that having a new baby really tests a relationship and I'm scared that if he doesn't understand how hard things will be and how much he will need to support me, that our marriage may be in trouble

There are two issues here: firstly, his lack of emotional engagement with you and the pregnancy; secondly, his behaviour around the house.

He needs to supporting you in both areas.

Does he want a baby, was this a mutual decision?

It is a very much planned and wanted baby. Because of my health conditions we had pre-genetic counselling to make us aware of the risks I was putting myself and the baby at. Thankfully we know now that the baby is absolutely fine, it's just my health that's gone a bit wrong. My DH is very excited about the baby coming but seems very detached from the pregnancy itself but only in terms of my health. He is always rubbing the bump and talking to it and has been out and bought 'Baby's First Outfit' and he has chosen the name etc but when it comes to understanding how it's affecting my health and the potential problems I could have after the birth and how much I'm going to need him he just seems to not understand it's importance.

He has told me that when the baby is here he will still be going to the Gym every morning (which he gets up at 06.00am to do before he goes to work), he will also be going 4 evenings a week after work too (he is always gone at least 2.5 hours each time he goes) and that he will still be playing football on Saturdays. I asked him when exactly he plans on being at home? I asked him when I'm supposed to get a break whilst he has all this leisure time? Am I really being that unreasonable by telling him that his plans just aren't fair

I have found that women automatically compromise on everything once a baby is on the scene whereas a man takes his time on this matter (well my dh does and so do my bil's). I am a sahm and pregnant with dc3, our last argument finished with me shouting at my dh that at least he got annual leave from his job, I didn't! As for pregnancy related illness etc, dh still needs reminding that at 30 weeks pregnant with mild spd, no I can't go walking 5 miles in the Dales as it hurts. Some men are very in tune with their pregnant partners, but some just see it as restricting and spoiling their spare time, we have a very active sporty lifestyle when I'm not pregnant, dh try's to be accommodating but he does get annoyed with the length of time that he has to be accommodating! It did also take my boss (I was a nanny, she was a dr) to fully explain how major an operation a section actually was, as he did not quite believe me....another thing is that I also knew how hard and lifestyle changing a baby would be, but there is no point telling your dh as like most men they need to find this out for themselves :) sorry if I have rambled, but sit back, don't over think everything and relax. Let him learn as he goes and if he wants to know something he will ask (constant monitoring and tip giving with a new baby never goes down well :))

It is a very much planned and wanted baby

In that case he has no excuse, he can't say he doesn't want it disrupting his life because he was up for it.

I can understand the argument that some guys don't know what's coming until it happens, but the fact is it's already happening - you're heavily pregnant with complications and need support and not getting it.

As a point of comparison, my H has always gone the gym and played sport, but all that went on hold when I was pregnant & the babies were small.

I think you need to sit your H down and spell it out to him. Right now you need more personal support, more input around the house, and after the birth he cannot leave you to have to deal with the baby 24/7.