Safety Net

[Originalname11]

So, those of you who have read my posts before Xmas might remember I'm married but feeling neglected & started a friendship with a guy in work which rapidly became quite flirty. I was kidding myself it was all just a laugh but now realise I've fallen in quite a big way. I'm not stupid or selfish enough to act upon it, but feel a need to purge myself. I have spoken to my husband and told him I feel neglected and we need some couple time. He's agreed, but we won't have our first date for a couple of weeks. Things are strained at home but I'm hopeful we can fix this.

However, I still feel an urge to text my work friend. So, here's my safety net. I stick them here and you can all tell me how stupid I'm being, help me hang on til date night.

First one:

Hi! How's it going? Hope appt went well this morning. WFH but bored, coffee tomorrow?

FFS.... you tell him you feel neglected and he can't fit you in his diary for a fortnight? That's like needing to see a doctor and the earliest appointment is several days away. When you said 'I feel neglected' did you make it very clear that your marriage is a hair's breadth from hitting the rocks or has he just gone away with the idea that you're a bit bored?

I've said if we don't change I will seriously consider leaving. His main issue is he doesn't want to leave DD. She's nearly 3 and we have not been out as a couple since she was born. I've managed to line up a babysitter he trusts (family member) so he can't use that excuse, but he's already said he only wants to be out for 2 hours max incase DD needs him.

If it's raining, you can wait for the sunshine or you can learn how to have fun in the rain.

Restablishing an emotional connection doesn't need to wait until a date night. It's the little day to day things that matter. Greeting each other with a smile and big hug, the hold if a hand, the running of a bath, a genuine interest in how their day went, little compliments.

Don't use the delay until your date night as an excuse, crack on with the little things now.

So on the back of that kind of ultimatum the best he can do is a date in two weeks time? I think you're wasting your time, really.

Joysmum I feel I've been doing the little things the whole time. We kiss hello & good bye, we hug sometimes, I've tried snuggling up on sofa but I want to go out. I want to eat nice food & get tipsy and have a laugh. I want to go the cinema, the theatre, have coffee or whatever but just as us 2, not us 3. I love DD to pieces but I need my husband back.

The child is 3yo. If he doesn't want to go out, it's not because the child might want him or he doesn't trust the babysitters. It's because he doesn't want to go out.

OP: have you posted before? (I seem to remember something about a colleague and Christmas, but my apologies if that wasn't you).

Have you decided, really decided, to give your marriage another shot? Because if so, fantastic text conversations with the OM really isn't going to help you focus on DH.

And does your DH really understand what is at stake here? If he is in the dark, and just thinks you want to improve things because they've been too flat for a while, then he won't get the same sense of urgency even if he grasps the importance.

Assuming you don't want to tell him more, what can you think of to improve communication with him right now.

How about composing a text to DH instead of OM?

Farahilda yes, that might be me. My posts got deleted not sure why but I'm a newbie so don't 100% understand things on here.

DH is suspicious. He has asked if there is someone else. I've said no, because apart from a drunken hug at the Xmas do nothing has happened between me and work friend.
I've told DH that at 30ish I'm not ready for pipe & slippers. I need to go out and have fun. He is older than me, more than 10 but less than 20 years, I worry that this is him now. TV, DD and that's it. I'm carving out my own social life through work but work friend and I have an unspoken agreement not to get drunk at the same time/place.
I feel guilty though at going out and having fun when he's staying home. He also comments about my getting drunk, coming home late (I was tipsy, got a lift from sober friend and was home by 11).
I'm trying to keep communication friendly with DH, but I'm not sure he gets it. He says he's devestated.

OM? Really? That frightens me.

This is as good as your DH gets. He sounds possessive, insecure and very dull. I can't remember if there has been other, worse, behaviour but bottom line is that, if it isn't working, someone has to have the courage to end it.

Doesn't everyone deserve a second chance Cogito? For all I know he thinks I've been happy up to this point. Now he knows I'm unhappy, ball is in his court to do something about it. Not sure why you think he's possessive. At least, not over me. DD yes.

Yes I would definitely give it a go with your husband but you need to distance yourself from the OM, you can't try and make things work with your OH when he's in the picture.

All relationships take effort and he needs to make a big one now, of course you should have a date night, ideally every week but telling you 2 hours max is slightly insulting isn't it and he can hardly complain that you go out and have fun - he's younger than me and even I'm not pipe and slippers, we all enjoy fun, no matter our age. He sounds like he's got an unhealthy protectiveness over the 3 year old, she's not a baby and I'm sure she'd be fine for a good few hours with the b/s. I'm interpreting the Xmas hug to have actually been a snog but then again I'm very suspicious.

Jan45 there was a kiss but no snog. Instigated by me, he just froze. OM (if we're calling him that) is married and has been quite clear has no interest in an affair. Which I don't either, if I'm being truthful. But happy to be silly & flirty. He has actually been very supportive, says he went through same with his DW a while ago and has been giving me good advice with regard to not being too hasty, being clear, keeping communication open. I do not want to lose him as a mate. But I realise my possible feelings for him might make this impossible. It's all a bit messy. But when I stop and think really really hard about all of this, I would rather he was a mate than a shag and regret, and if I was to leave DH it would be to be single. For the first time in my life I would want to live alone. Or just me and DD.

Second chances, balls in courts... OK you've thrown down the gauntlet, he knows you're unhappy and you've challenged him to do something to fix the relationship but the man isn't a fool. He knows he's lost you to this other bloke even if he doesn't know the man exists. You say he's devastated but, to me, he sounds resigned and detached. 'Possessive' yes, because of the comments after you've been out without him. He's insecure.... and with good reason, let's be honest.

Tell me, if he suddenly turned into Mr Exciting, taking you out ever other night and lavishing gifts on you etc., would that do it for you? Or is the OM offering a connection your DH can't hope to match whatever late effort he puts in?

If DH could get a life, like he used to have, so he had something else to talk about rather than DD or TV that would be good. If he was interested enough to hold a conversation for longer than 5 minutes that would be good. If he would let me invite other couples over for mini dinner parties, and not sulk then put TV on, that would be good. If he would get back in touch with his mates and go the the bloody pub so I have the house to myself sometimes when DD is in bed, that would be good. If he would get off his arse & just fucking DO SOMETHING that would be good. Does that help, Cogito?

OM (still not sure about calling him that) has a life, so can hold a conversation. He has life experiences, that we can discuss. He does interesting things. He doesn't watch TV. He is nice to look at, but I can see further ahead than a guilty secret shag and it's not what I want to do.

So OM is married too and isn't looking for an affair, how many times od you think that's been said.

Stop with the flirting and snogging if you want to work at your marriage, seriously. It all sounds like a big game.

" Does that help, Cogito?"

And have you told him all of this? In those exact words?

Jan45 It was one, drunken hug & kiss and we've never referred to it again apart from to say, that must never happen again, let's not get that drunk again.

I was kinder when I said those things to DH Cogito. But the message was loud and clear, I need more than TV and sofa.

Yes I'm sure it was, doesn't mean it won't happen again, effectively you have both cheated on your partners. It honestly sounds like you are just craving some affection and attention, give another go with your OH, I think the OM is a convenient distraction from your unhappy home.

You are right Jan, I am craving attention & affection. But you are wr

Dammit phone crashed. You are wrong that it will happen again. I am stronger than that, and will not do anything else that means I could not look his wife in the eyes if I ever met her. A drunken kiss can be excused. Doing it, or anything else again could not.

The OM is more in your head than you seem willing to admit (your opening post was dreaming about texting him) and you re comparing your DH to him.

There will be no progress in your marriage for as long as you keep up this fantasy comparison and see only your DH's bad points.

If you want to work on your marriage, you need to work on it too. That doesn't mean DH doing nothing to change. But it does mean looking at what you can do to aid the process too.

Did you even consider texting DH a friendly message?

If you think there is nothing you can do, and that there are no circumstances in which you DH will be more responsive, then you need to look instead at whether the marriage has a future.

I do send nice texts to DH, and hearing you call my work friend the OM has shocked me as I knew I wasn't looking for that. I appreciate my behaviour at the Christmas do was bad but I was extremely drunk and now I'm sober I know I don't want that sort of relationship with my friend - he is worth more as a mate. Additionally, I am well aware my mate is married and therefore there is another person to consider here - I do not want to be responsible for hurting someone else.

I may not be making much sense here but I'm struggling to understand it all myself. DH and I are talking & trying to sort this out. This thread was me trying to stop leaning on my mate & start thinking more clearly.

You have got me concerned tho that my mate may not be all he seems. However, the last text I had from him yesterday was telling me to keep talking to DH, work hard at my marriage, take small steps and work together. Surely if he was really after an affair he wouldn't say things like that?