Help to deal with IL's (v long)

[BeetlebumShesAGun]

Sorry another IL's thread and in advance for long post.

DH's Mum and Dad's divorce came through end of last year after a very messy breakup, which DH and I supported MIL through. DH opted to stay in contact with his father, even though he had an affair. DH is a very kind gentle person who wants everyone to be happy. He is angry with his father but still wants a relationship with him, especially as we have our 6 week old DD.

The problem is that FIL is a very high earner so MIL has had a huge payout and gets a lot of money each month. SIL has always been spoiled and never wants for anything, all her clothes, makeup etc is top brands and she has never had a job. She refuses to speak to her dad now but still gets £500 a month from him. As SIL is seen to be on her mum's side, she gets shopping trips etc. We on the other hand have worked our arses off to get where we are - renting a nice, slightly expensive house in a nice area close to both our families, working full time, several promotions each - with no handouts whatsoever and MIL has not once praised DH for it or even acknowledged it.

SIL still lives at home, jobless. MIL has bought a lovely family home style house with the divorce payout, for SIL. I don't want MiL to buy us a house but the discrepancy with the way she treats her children really annoys me. She does all this for SIL, but when DD was born she said she would buy a travel cot for us. When we visited her at Christmas she hadnt bought it as it was too expensive (the one I chose was £40) so we had to go and get the Moses basket.

Whenever we see them the matter of the house is brought up, SiL complaining of having to get up early at 8am to go and choose wallpaper for "her" house, and it just makes my DH and I annoyed. We have mentioned it to MiL and she just says "well if you want a house ask your father".

In addition they irritate me about DD, such as repeatedly saying that SIL is DD's only 'real' auntie as I only have a half sister and a stepsister, so they should not be called auntie, MIL shouted at DH to be nice to his sister and let her hold DD when we refused as it was her bedtime, etc.

At this rate we will end up going NC. Any advice?

I always think NC is rather drastic. Be thankful that, unlike the SIL, you're not at all dependent on anyone in the family and that you have the integrity to be independent and self-reliant. Take their money and you'd pay for it in many other ways. Stand up to MIL when she says stupid stuff about 'real' aunts or whatever rather than seething in silence or expecting your DH to step in. Your house, your rules. For the rest, quietly get on with your own life and your own friends and your own family.... and reduce them to bit players for what I call 'C&B'... Christmas and Birthdays.

Is your SIL very young? She sounds dreadfully immature.

It seems like your PIL like the fact that your SIL is immature, and therefore dependent, and are rewarding her for that. Do you think they could be punishing your husband for going off and having his own life.

Id be tempted to send your DH overthere with some calimity story, the more needy/usless it makes him/you look the better (it dosnt have to be true remember) and sit back and wait for my house.

You didn't support MIL with an eye to being rewarded, did you.

DH hasn't kept in contact with his DF just to win favour.

Your SIL hasn't taken food from your mouths. Spoilt and indulged, it appears so. 'Golden child', probably. That's your parents' fault.

It's not fair and there's nothing you can do about it. As suggested, ^^ any nonsense about who gets called auntie or disrupting how you raise DD to allow SIL to play dollies should be firmly dispelled.

Hope your side of the family make up for any deficiencies with ILs.

your PILs' fault, sorry.

It must be hurtful to your dh to have his sister 'favouritised'. He needs to deal with that somehow and then move on, but without going NC if possible as it sounds like that would really hurt your dh even more. He should be proud of himself. MIL sounds a pain and very annoying, but yes, just restrict contact and get a bit 'distant' without making dramatic 'NC' gestures. Do learn how to speak up to her, and if it causes friction, all the more reason to make contact less.

The benefit of not getting anything from them is not having to pander to them and keep them on side. So whether or not you go no contact in future, you can speak up and challenge them. When your SIL moans about 8am starts, you (or better, your DH) can say 'Well, when you get a job you'll be up and out at that time so I don't really see the problem'. When your MIL says anything about buying for the kids, you can say, 'That would be nice but you did say last time it was too expensive, so don't feel you have to make promises that you won't be able to keep'.

Also, your FIL presumably has a mind of his own - while your MIL is behaving badly, he is choosing to continue to give money to the lazy SIL, so he's also at fault here. Why isn't he rewarding his son for his achievements? Is he actually that bothered about maintaining contact or seeing your DD, or is he off enjoying his new life?

The 'not her real aunts' thing is bollocks and you just have to stamp on that and say 'No, absolutely not, my sisters are my sisters so they are DD's aunts and that subject is now closed'.

Thanks all. I admit I don't really speak out (mostly as I feel it's not my place) but when it comes to DD I will from now on!

DH has said he would like to become a bit distant from them so I think we will be conveniently busy enjoying time just us three for a little while. FIL is in contact with us, always tells DH how proud he is and drops by fairly often to see DD.

roar SIL is 23! She is very immature. DD's due date was 2 days before her birthday and in the weeks leading up to it she was continually worrying she would be born on her birthday, "then everyone will forget it's my birthday"!

I really shouldn't be worrying about it "not being your place" to speak out - if someone or something is impacting on YOU then it is very definitely your place to speak out.

Firmly but politely, with a smile on your face, and stand your ground!

Good luck.