I am paying all the bills!

[KitsyCat]

Sorry in advance if I ramble!

Me and DP moved into our first place together May 2013, on the premise that I would cover the rent and bills until he was able to contribute his part.

However 9 months down the line, there have been 2 interviews and an e-commerce website set up. I mean, I'm so happy and proud of what he's managed to achieve with it, but none of the income is coming back into the house (aside from a few quid here and there for emergencies). In addition to this, he's also a non-professional carer for my MIL.

AIBU in expecting maybe slightly more of a contribution?

As much as I've tried not to let it bother me, I can't help feeling like I'm being taken advantage of financially, especially now it's been going on so long.

As well as the bills, I have been lending him money for bits and bobs, not that I've seen a penny back.

It does sound as if the relationship is all about the money we don't have, but we are very much in love and do really enjoy each other's company. But our financial situation is putting a strain on that.

Any advice?

I really, really don't see what's in this for you. I can see what's in it for him.

Why don't you ask him to move to his mothers so you can get some distance and perspective? Say you need to move in a lodger or somebody to contribute to the bills because you can no longer manage by yourself.

You can continue the relationship (although really I don't see why you would want to) but without paying for him and getting all of the moaning about cleaning.

Let him move back in once he's paid off his debts and has a decent job.

It does sound awful laid out like that.

Because it is awful.

Your choice is to accept it or leave. He wont change, so you have to.

All good points.

I'm not blind enough to miss the fact that something has to change around here. For one, I am sick of being made to feel that I am the bad person. Yes, I do want him to do two contradicting things, but there has to be some happy medium?! Plenty of other couples balance work and home life without a second thought.

I've been a submissive doormat in a previous EA relationship and am always afraid that some traits from that are left behind :/

I absolutely hate talking about money and hate to feel like I'm constantly nagging for money from him when he has next to none.

Secondly, I'm done with being out of pocket thanks to my own personal cocklodger (thanks for that new word ladies! Isn't it funny how it autocorrects to 'cockroach'!)

He should feel ashamed, not defensive. Give him 3 months max to improve then come back here when he doesn't and we'll help you get rid

Sponging off you for this length of time and making it difficult for you to ask for money/contributions is financially abusive.

He makes you out to be the bad person when you ask him to contribute financially or with housework? Are any other problems "all your fault"?

You sound very apologetic about being upset about him not contributing to the home.

He isn't even a cocklodger, from what you describe, just a free lodger.

He's sponging off you, and unless the agreement was that you'd support him no matter what, then it's not what you signed in for.
What is happening is not the same as him being too ill to work, or not finding a job, if he's had 2 interviews in 9 months.
He could move in with his mum and you can still be in a relationship. Just not living together.
Stop lending him money. Tough luck if he finds himself in debt.

You also say you love him, but think very carefully about whether he loves you or you are just convenient for him. You're his meal ticket at the moment.

Oh, he does have the same insight as you....he's in a fantastic situation! His money gets spent on him, your money gets spent on him.

"I can either have him working solidly to earn enough to contribute or he spends time with me." What crap! How does he think every other working couple manage?

Sorry. X-post.

as you've been in an EA relationship before, your understanding of relationships is probably a little distorted. In most relationships, it is totally normal to sit down and discuss both the finances and housework - how much your household needs and how much and how each of you can contribute.
This is not nagging - he is a partner, not a child, and should therefore pull his weight one way or the other. So I'd recommend that you - even though you find it uncomfortable - try taking the numbers and discussing them. If he does not care that you're doing a lion's share and is not planning to do anything to change it, then it would be really hard to claim that this man loves you.

If he got a job, he couldn't claim Carers Allowance at the same time, as it is an income replacement benefit. Am not sure what the criteria are now, but it used to be that you had to earn below a very small amount if working, and that you provided 35 hours care a week.

I was with a cocklodging gaming addict for a considerable time. End this.

you can earn up to 100 quid a week and still claim carers allowance.

It doesn't matter that his mother has private carers too. He is get carers allowance. He is getting PAID. Of course he should be there. Sounds like his mum is reasonably well off and he saw getting the allowance as a little bit of a scam? She pays private carers, and I get pocket money.
He has an income. From his internet business and his carers allowance. So absolute minimum he should be paying his way proportional to that.

There is no way he should need to borrow money from you - he has an income, and no significant outgoings, thanks to you.

I know you say you love him, but it might be worth you thinking about WHY you love someone like this. Cos I'm not seeing his good points here!

He's a user.

A decent non-using guy in this situation would be working very hard to rectify it, as well as seeing the fairness in him eg taking care of household tasks etc. while you support him.

And he DEFINITELY wouldn't be seeing what little money he has as his to spend on stuff for HIM!

And he DEFINITELY DEFINITELY wouldn't be working very hard at making YOU be the one feeling so bad about it that you stop raising the issue.

Listen - from EVERYTHING you have said, this guy is not a keeper. Not one of the good ones. You are being taken for a ride. That is not in doubt. So, the thing to do is to look at why you say you love someone who is, quite objectively, using and abusing you. What do you love about someone who takes and takes and makes you feel guilty as a way of blackmailing you into keeping on bankrolling him? What do you love about a guy who won't support you or pull his weight? I think you're spot on with identifying that you still have those doormat tendencies.

Think to the future. If you stay with this guy, you will have a less nice life than you could have had. Selfish, entitled behaviour like this will only ramp up and up with the arrival of children and mortgages. He's got a nice little meal ticket going and he's clearly putting all his energies not into finding work, but making sure the meal ticket is trained to keep giving without a murmur.

Stay with him, and you also give up on the potential finding of that lovely, decent, honest guy who will REALLY be a partner with you. Who will support you and have your back, and respect you enough to not treat you like this.

He isn't your best friend. He's just very, very good at making you feel as if he is.

You've busted him, OP - well done, and don't let your self-doubt stop you getting out of this.

Oh and one final thing.

He won't change.

HE WON'T CHANGE.

THEY NEVER EVER EVER EVER CHANGE!!

It's not our situation, it's his! So he's happy to treat you like a mum and take money and food off you, it's him who should be broaching the subject and giving you indications that things will change, he isn't cos he's more than happy with the set up. If it wasn't for you, he'd be living off fresh air.

Get a backbone and give him it straight, you've had enough of him pulling you down, remember all the money you are giving him means you are being deprived, why should you.

I know this is hard to face, but it's quite black or white. If he is really the love of your life, a good and decent man who cares about you, you should be able to talk to him and he should change his ways.

If he doesn't, then you are fooling yourself and wasting your life with someone who doesn't love you.

I do love MN sometimes. If this was posted by a man saying his partner didnt work, didnt contribute money wise and used the excuse of caring for her mother the answers would be very different. Its very acceptable her for a woman to not work and not contribute but totally wrong when its a man

It does sound like he is caring for his mother but not 24/7 so a part time job may fit around it.

Both parties should contribute financially to living costs but i know many dont believe that and believe women dont have to as the man should provide just because he was born male.

Happy I disagree.

If this man was actually caring for his mum, and contributing a proportion of his income to the home then no one would have a problem. But he isnt. He spaffs his money on himself then goes cap in hand, expecting the OP to sub him, doesnt appear to do much actual caring for his mum, and despite talking about it hasnt bothered to get a job.

He has said that either he can do stuff with the OP or get a job but not both, which is patently ridiculous.

If a woman was doing and saying all those things, then she would get a flaming too.

Kitsycat,

you say he's paying a debt management company to sort his debts out? Why pay when there are free DMC out there? Just more money wasted.

Looking at this from a blokes view...I couldn't hold my head up if I was like your OH. Even if I was earning less than any partner (there isn't one at the moment so it's a moot point) but I would get off my backside and do my damnedest to earn something. I wouldn't care, and if my little 'venture' wasn't bringing income in then that would definitely go on the back burner.

Hi

So is he trying to start up his own business online? And did yous agree that he would focus on this? If so it can take a good while to get a profit from a start up business. Or was it agreed he would look for a job and do his online business.

I'm confused!

So what do you get out of this relationship now?. Do you have rescuer and or saving tendencies; if so these need to be well reigned in as of now. Do you want to rescue and or save him.

Bad idea too to use a debt management company as well as their charges can skyrocket; he'd be better off calling Stepchange which is a government agency and their advice is free.

If he is your best friend then I think your own relationship bar has been set far too low to begin with. You're his meal ticket and "best friends" should be able to talk about difficult stuff as well freely.

He's a cocklodger who is taking advantage of your kindnesses towards him.

"I've been a submissive doormat in a previous EA relationship and am always afraid that some traits from that are left behind :/"

This bloke is not the same as your ex but you've probably picked a not too dissimilar type to him this time around as well. You need to work out why you have chosen so poorly. Self esteem and worth here need much working on; your ex did you a lot of emotional harm.

Actually I would suggest you enrol onto Womens Aid's Freedom Programme as this is for women who have been in abusive relationships.

I would also suggest you read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood as well.

Happy, you haven't read many threads in MN, have you?

Nowhere it is considered acceptable for a woman not to work if there isn't a good excuse not to, such as having children, or actually caring for a relative.