What's worse?

[Pickles79]

Do you think you'd be more upset to discover your partner had had a long term affair, or had had multiple one night stands while with you?

Both would be bad enough, but having one night stands certainly gives higher odds of catching something. Either way it'd be the end.

I think they're equally bad for different reasons.

Both would be immediate deal breakers for me.
No second chances, no excuses.

JonSnowKnowsNothing, I always thought the same until one of those scenarios happened to me.
Did eventually leave though and would not tolerate it ever again in either form.

Long term means more emotional connections whereas one night stands just seedy sleazy sex no strings with people who got God knows what lurking down there

One night stands I could reason as purely animal lust and sex based. An ongoing affair is see as far more if a betrayal as it's emotional and relationship.

Either way, one one night stand mistake would hurt but I might be able to work through, more than one and I wouldn't see a way through it.

I agree that they're both as bad as each other. Cheating is cheating is cheating regardless of the specifics.

Multiple one night stands as in 30 over a five year period.

Pickles I tolerated it too. By the end I looked a proper fucking mug - which is why I know I'd never accept it again.

Yeah I did too. I even knew at the time how crazy I was being and was the local town joke for staying. But you can't be told can you. Think you need your own lightbulb moment, which I eventually had thank god!
I'm a different person now. Don't tolerate any shit. I just think about it a lot still, it plays on my mind a lot that I allowed it.

I think they're both equally bad for different reasons. The long-term affair because it requires cunning, deception and emotional attachment.. The screwing around because it screams contempt.... for all women, not just the partner.

30 over 5 years? That's awful.

If it were 3 ONS over a 30 year marriage vs a 6 month affair in the same i'd prefer the ONS. It is the emotional aspect for me that'd be the killer.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the multiple one night stands are wrong. I just was interested in other people's feelings on both scenarios.

Sorry that you've had to go through all that. It sounds like you been subject to some very tough years. The old saying "Love is blind" is so true. In my experience a women in love tries so hard to make a relationship work even when she knows she should walk away.

Both scenarios are an equal betrayal. Men can be such cowards. Better to be single.

I wish i had your strength - my relationship is on its last legs. I was thinking of moving to his town to start a new life (would rent my own place as living together at the moment is not an option) but after being apart for a month (after one row too many) i've gradually realised he's a negative influence in my life and i'm probably better off renting near my parents. Am staying at his for the next few days and will see how things go.

What made you finally leave your partner?

What was your light bulb moment, OP? I was in a similar position to you and can't believe my light bulb moment didn't come so much earlier than it did.

Don't move to his town! That's what I did and it was a big mistake. I was isolated which made leaving more difficult in that I had no local support.

My lightbulb moment was seeing a message he sent his friend. It said, and I quote word for word " Last night I fucked a bird from the night before I fucked a bird from tonight I'll fuck my missus lol. 11 birds in two months"
The wake up call wasn't even really what I'd read, it was my reaction to it. I wasn't even shocked or upset. It was like it was a given that I'd come to expect it. The only part of the message that really really hit home, was the fact he was bragging about it and laughing about it to friends. No remorse. I was the joke.
I left and never spoke to him again.

He is a total shit. I hope you are okay and living somewhere safe/ secure away from him.

Thank you :)
I'm ok, and glad I finally got out of it all. But it still all plays on my mind a lot. Wondering why somebody can happily do that kind of thing. I still live in the area but haven't seen him. I'm moving back to my hometown in the spring so hopefully I'll be able to block it all out completely.

I think one ONS or even two better than a long term affair but 30 just says they never once regretted it.

Those of you that tolerated it - how, why? I do have levels. Mind involved-it's over. Shagged-Over. Kisses/snogs I can quantify. Well I hope I could. I know myself, and what I hope would be forgiven, teased, made me sweat a bit (the standards luckily seem to be the same for exh and dp). Drunken night (as a one off playing truth or dare with old trusted uni or school friends that you don't physically see a lot, the type that you'd been in touch with for years. you revert to your teens. instead of playing 'eat the mustard' for once you go a bit mad and say 'kids or touch tongues'. Yeah, I could let that go with honesty that it happened and a bit lot of bitching and teasing, again, as a one off.

i think your situations are as bad as each other, one single night maybe i could get over it in time, but anything else is too much deciet

Neither.

Either choice is unacceptable. Totally.

I'm really sorry, OP.

Have to say, though, that if it was 11 in two months, I really doubt the total is 30.

I'm really glad you're moving away; I hope you find peace there and love with someone new.