whiteblossom,
re this part of your comment:-
"they still send xmas/bday gift for ds"
I sincerely hope you do not ever acknowledge any gifts sent, infact I would take all those items to the charity shop. They're doing this as well to manipulate your own son, toxic people never ever send items without conditions attached to them.
This link below may well be useful to you:-
"Attempts to pull you back into a toxic relationship are not valid expressions of caring and concern — they are attempts to regain control over your behaviour. Beware — hoovering attempts are often disguised as caring, loneliness, hurt, desperation, fear, illness, and other things designed to play on your sympathies and pull you back. Abusers know that pulling on heartstrings works very well. (In the case of BPD, it may be simply out-of-control emotions and fear of abandonment more than an attempt to control you per se; however you will likely still feel that you are not being allowed to end a relationship you no longer want).
If your wish to end a relationship is not being honoured, whatever a toxic person thinks will work best on you will be what they try, so when one angle doesn’t work, they will try another, and another, ramping up their efforts until it seems they might never stop. Typically, hoovering DOES stop if the person being hoovered does not fall for the hooverer’s tricks.
The sooner the person being hoovered completely ignores everything and does not respond to anything at all in any way, the sooner the toxic person finally understands that they do not have the control. Some toxic people may still make the occasional attempt on holidays, anniversaries of events, etc. Don’t bite the bait. Simply ignore any attempts.
If you have already made it clear that you do not want a relationship (or if it’s obvious) then DON’T ever contact the person doing the hoovering to tell them to stop again, or how angry you are. That is a reward. They will be thrilled to receive your attention and pleased to know that their efforts have paid off by snagging you, so they’ll be contacting you even more!
If you have told someone you do not want contact, and they continue to bother you, the police can assist you. If you ever feel that someone you are trying to break off a relationship with may be capable of more than simply annoying you mildly, contact your local police for assistance. They are well-accustomed to dealing with skillful manipulators and have many smart ways of handling them, so do not hesitate to ask for help. (And remember, you have nothing to be ashamed about; you’re not the one behaving badly, and the police are there to protect you from abuse.)
More Here: lightshouse.org/lights-blog/when-toxic-people-start-hoovering#ixzz2r3RE4iM7"
DH needs to ignore all stuff sent from his parents as well, they are also trying to hoover him back in. This is a common tactic used by such dysfunctional people.
DH tells the nice members of his family when its convenient for you both.
It does not matter what you will get from them because you will continue to ignore it. NC is exactly that - NC. Continue to ignore any crap they send you, shred such items upon receipt without opening. Do not return any post they send you; any contact from you will be regarded as a reward.