Feeling completely lost......

[Ithurtssomuch]

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, but really need advice and MNers seem so wise, I was hoping someone may be able to help.

Been together for 6 years, married for 4 years, DS 15 months. Husband never been one for doing stuff around the house or helping with DS. basically he works full time and plays on his games console at home. I work full time, do all household chores and take care of DS whenever I'm not working.
20th dec husband out of the blue announced he didn't love me any more and had packed a bag with all his important documents and had it hidden at his place of work. He stated he hadn't loved me for some time but in his words "had been allowed to coast" so had never left before. After a long discussion he stayed over Christmas but was working a lot so we didn't see each other much. Then on 28th December I'd arranged for him to speak to a friends husband at a local pub as he doesn't really have friends of his own, and he didn't come home, I woke up at 2am to find he hadn't returned. I rang his phone and he didn't answer and messaged me that he didn't want to talk to me but was safe. The next day he came to the house collected his car and some belongings. He states he stayed at a male friends from work. He stayed there for the next week, then went to his parents for a week for some "space". All this time leaving me with a 15 month toddler and a full time job, house and all stresses to deal with. I kept going for my son. He announced he was looking at flats to live away from the family home but at the same time asked me to go to relate which I did.we went to relate and they suggested him moving back if he wanted to work on things which he stated he did. So he's been back home a week today. In that time he has not taken care of DS at all. Has gone to work and played on his games console. Last night I asked to speak to him explaining I didn't feel this was working...... We are basically living like strangers. He's staying in the spare room and will say bye to DS on way to work but not speak to me. I feel like I can't do anything right as whatever I do will be reflected to be awful eg.... If I offer to make a drink..... I'm controlling when he drinks...... If I don't make one..... I'm being moody and spiteful. I can't win. Our next session is Thursday. But he says we can't talk about things between relate sessions as he doesn't want to and this is going to be a long and painful road.....Which makes me feel like every day I'm going to have to wake up hurting like I am, spend all day hurting and go to sleep crying.... I'm not sure how much more of this I can take?

Sorry for going on. Any advice would be so so appreciated x

I'd advise you to go to that next session on your own and start making your plans. I'd also be going through his phone if it's confirmation you need.

But sadly there's little you can do as he's already left the marriage hasn't he?

Currently it feels like all I get is hurt it doesn't feel like their are any benefits right now.
I think I'm scared of the future on my own with DS. It feels like I gave him everything and it wasn't good enough, so how would I ever be good enough for someone else? I really feel like DS deserves a dad who wants to be with him and do stuff with him :(

His documents are back home. I did wonder if he was spinning them a story as they seem to be supporting him when he's being so awful to us.

I'm definitely trying to find excuses for him, and I hate arguments, I think I just want it to all feel better. That's the one thing I'm so so so greatful for that me and DS can financially stand on our own, I really do appreciate that I'm lucky in that respect.

I'm not sure if I could get his phone on its own, but it also feels a bit wrongs but I can see what you mean.

It must be so horrible for you having him there when he is behaving so badly and you are the one making all the effort. Still that's what your relationship has been like up to now so I guess he thinks why change the pattern.

I really don't want to upset you and you can never see inside someone else's head, but the comments about coasting etc makes it sound like he doesn't really love you any more, but that his life was so easy that inertia meant he just went along with it.

I think you should stop thinking about him (easier said than done I know) and think about you. Were you happy before all this happened, really truly happy rather than just muddling along? What did you get out of your relationship, because it sounds like he was just another person for you to take care of. Staying with someone just because it is better than having no-one there is not the way to go. You were ok being a little team when he was gone, you sound like a dynamic, capable person, you will be ok without him and in all honestly probably much much happier in the medium term.

I think you should tell him that you would like some space to think about the relationship and he should go back to his parents while you have a chance to consider. At the moment he has the upper hand and all the power and you need to take some control back.

WRONG

you gave him everything and he decided he is not interested in being in this relationship

once you see that you are your own whole lovely person worthy of being in a good relationship you will decide who you want to be

don't judge all men by his behaviour
don't assume that he defines you

Oops didn't answer this bit... I have found one of his pay slips so definitely can prove his salary. I don't have access to his own bank account, but he hasn't withdrawn anything from the joint bank account.

Thankyou. I think if I'm truly honest with myself I wasn't happy before all this happened, but didn't want to upset the apple cart. I think I kept hoping he would become a more caring person and want to spend time with me and DS and do things like a family. I completely agree, he has always done the bare minimum for an easy life and tbh staying here through those years was probably for his convenience, and I know that's not right. In my head I suppose I keep wondering what changed?

I think I'm just scared no one will take on me with a little DS so for some reason I seem to be fighting for something that probably was never there.

I just want to say thankyou so much for everyone's advice I do really appreciate it x

Put him out

he is basically using you as a housekeeper while he leads his own life

There will be another woman/women somewhere in the mix who is possibly not ready (yet, if at all) to give him a soft landing and he thinks you are a fool. Disabuse him of this notion.

I just want to say thankyou so much for everyone's advice I do really appreciate it

Wishing you the strength to go through with getting rid of him and make a nice laugh for you and your son.

I get the feeling that this may well be following a pattern I've seen a few times in the past with friends - have a think whether this fits with your current experience.

Pre DS he was great, loving & engaged, as up until then he'd had the perfect (in his eyes) wife i.e. he was the centre of your universe and you cooked, cleaned & generally looked after him as well as earning money. What was not to like about it?

He very much liked the idea of being a father and was quite excited about it, then DS came along and the reality of being a father wasn't quite how he'd imagined. It wasn't all just cuddling & playing with a child, there was real icky stuff like nappies, extra washing, night feeds etc. That was OK at first because you did it all, but then you were so busy & tired you didn't have the time or energy to make HIM the centre of your universe any more.

You may not have noticed as you were so busy and tired, but he slowly started to detach from you and as you got more & more into family type thinking he reverted closer to singleton mode e.g. time on the gaming console.

Every time I've seen this happen it's ended up in one of 3 ways. Either the man has left (usually once he's found another woman) or the wife has ended up running herself ragged & into a breakdown (literally, in one case the poor woman was hospitalised) looking after the children and the husband. Or in one vase the wife threw her husband out as a useless waste of space who just caused her more work then whined because he wasn't getting enough attention/not enough sex/she'd "let herself go & looked fat and frumpy".

Firstly I'm absolutely fuming in your behalf.

He went off to his parents for a week and his dad threw it in your face when you called to tell him his son had conjunctivitis?! No wonder he's behaving in such a selfish, self centred way- he has perfect role models for it.

I think it sounds like an ow (sorry). However, that's irrelevant almost. He is treating you like shit on his shoe. It can't go on. You need to take control and decide what's best for you and your dc.

Also...he is a lazy twat. Playing games consoles???? What is he, 12???? You're doing everything anyway- you may as well do it without the stress of him. See a solicitor and tell him to get lost. You deserve hundreds times more than this.