H and EA

[whatfuture]

Hey all, this may waffle a bit..so tired and exhausted but will try and keep it simple.

I have been with H for 14 years we have 4 dc. Just before christmas i did some digging and found out he was having an EA with my best friend (who also happens to be with my brother and they have a dc).

I knew something wasnt right as he was being awful with me and he changed in to a complete arsehole, made me feel like i was going mad etc.

I dont believe he is that sorry as he is keeping up with that act,

I really wish i was at a place in my head to pack all his stuff and kick his arse out. I unfortunately have 0 self esteem and quite a long stretch of depression. I don't even know why im typing all this, i have no one to talk to as my family would make it into a huge drama and i dont need that right now. I feel he is controlling the whole situation by telling me he doesn't know what he wants but he will stay here. Why am i holding on? I feel like a complete idiot. I guess i am scared about being a single mum and working on myself.

I am really trying to please him but not get much back.

Sorry if it rambles. Going to try and sleep for a while.

Stop trying to please him ,it's the pick me dance and you can't win. It will only make him respect you less.
I'm not sure what else to suggest, you really need space from him. Does your brother know about this?

The anger will come. I think you need to tell your brother.

You're holding on because you've fast-forwarded the sequence of events... kick him out... lone parent... can't cope..... This is making you anxious to keep him but all your behaviour is going to earn you is his further contempt. As a DW with DCs you are actually in quite a strong position in the event of a split. There is help available and your DH would be obliged to support all of you. If you got some solid information (maybe from CAB) that could give you the confidence you currently seem to lack.

Have you confronted him about it? I'm guessing not.

I'm so sorry you have found out about this. It must feel like a double betrayal, from your H and your best friend, both of whom are messing around with members of your family.

Knowledge will give you power and take back control of the situation. Call Citizens Advice to get some initial advice and support. You might want to do this before confronting him so you have your facts that he can't dispute.

If you feel up to it you may also want to contact a solicitor bit CAB can answer most of your initial questions.

Speak to your GP as soon as possible to update them on your situation. Are you currently on medication and have you had any form of counselling? CBT is very good. But make sure you discuss this with your GP so your depression is managed properly during all of this.

Do you work? Are your DCs in school or some still at home? Is there not another friend in RL who you could talk to? It always helps to share with someone you trust.

And keep posting on mn where you will get loads of good advice and support

Amend - sorry you are going through this. Its better to know about his shit behaviour hurtful though it is.

Once you've got the shitbag out of the house and you've taken control of YOU again I think you'll find your self esteem start to trickle back and the depression start to lift.

However, there's no doubt at all that he'll be a bigger than ever shitbag when you tell him to get out so be prepared. Make sure you have some RL support. He'll try to make out he's the victim until the truth comes out. And it will.

Be strong. You can hold your head up high.

Hey, thanks for replies i have a poorly 2 yo on my knee but will try and answer some questions briefly.

My brother doesn't know no, nobody does. He unfortunately has an issue with his temper (we had an awful childhood) and he would blow which i don't want around my DC... I have confronted H..he apologized and downplayed it (ofc) but went straight back to be awful. I don't know why i'm not angry or shouting yet. I just feel really hurt at the moment.

I always confided in her a lot about how he was treating me. I have known her for 18 years and never in a million years thought she would hurt me too. I saw them both one night through the window getting too close, when confronted they made me feel i was loosing my mind and carried that on for a while until i searched his phone.

I am going to make an appointment with the GP. I know if i work on myself everything else should click in to place and hopefully i will be strong enough to kick him out.

On a more positive note i have recently been offered a job and i am very much looking forward to starting and getting some independence and maybe a bit of confidence too.

Thank you all

The best chance you have of saving your relationship (if that is what you want) is to ask him to leave for a few days. It shows you will not accept his lack of respect for you and gives you a chance to clear your head and decide what you want to have happen next. It maybe once you have thought about it you realise you would be better off single than living with a cheating minimising liar.
Great news about the job. Could you check on entitled.com or similar what benefits you would be able to claim if he left? You will find you are not destitute.

So so sorry for you

You have not just been betrayed by your h but your best friend too (who I can imagine would be the first person you would normally turn to).

Both of their behaviour stinks and I think getting some distance from them is the first thing to do, before they try and twist your mind any more.

I also think your brother needs to know, don't carry their secret for them. Give her the option if telling him first (even offer to look after their dcs if you're are concerned for them). It will be better for him to be told then to find out.

holding hand

You owe that woman nothing. Your h can look after the kids whilst you tell your brother in a neutral area eg pub or cafe - less chance of him losing it in front of others. Agree with the suggestion that she should make an attempt at telling him.

What bastards to make you think it was you going nuts. That's lowest of the low.

Great news on the job well done. And glad you are going to the gp. You need to be well physically to support you and your dcs through this.

He should leave. Call cab to get legal advice. It will help you decide what to do.

You appear to be surrounded by men that frighten you. Your horrible husband who has treated you badly for 18 years. Your 'angry' brother. I'm guessing an awful childhood involves more nasty men?

I hope your new job does give you the confidence to stop being afraid. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 are also there if you need practical support in leaving the whole sorry lot behind.