Acceptable contact for a 4 year old

[Dall]

My husband and I are divorcing. He has previously been very much a weekend dad. Since he left he has been on two holidays on his own and even spent his birthday with out DS. He is now claiming he wants (and my son needs) 50:50 contact. I think this is too much not forever but for now as my son is only 4 and I have been a stay at home mum for his whole life. The overnight visits have recently been extended to 3 nights and my son has come back an emotion wreck to start with. I think in part due to being told by ex that he wants to spend more time with him. I think this shifts the emotional responsibility from you adults to my son who cannot deal with it. He also talks about us co- parenting despite never really doing it when we lived together but my wishes (no guns that fire things, no macdonalds) are ignored.

We are in mediation. I feel like I am being bullied. I would really like some resources to help manage the situation - help perhaps my ex understand the impact of what he is saying. Ex has also always previously been very very unreliable - late all the time and disorganised. When I've asked,given he works full time and was not able to come home even one night a week to put DS to bed I don't think he is in a position to care for him. When I ask him how now he is in a position to care for him he says I shouldn't worry about that he will work part time.

Any advice gratefully received.

Children adapt better than adults do. As long as all the adults involved talk about the situation positively the kids will be fine.

When my parents separated we went straight to 50:50 time. We were 6,9 and 13 so a bit older. It was my dad who did our hair, got us dressed etc in the morning and who did tea after school. Mum had the affair and left. So a reversal of normal stories on here.

Have you seen a solicitor, even for a free initial session? Courts favour the status quo, and if you've been a SAHM and he's been a weekend dad, with all primary care delegated to you, it seems highly unlikely 50/50 will be ordered should the worst happen, and it reach court. I would imagine he's been told that, too. And mediation is by consent, by definition. If you truly don't think his suggestions are in your child's best interests, you don't have to agree. If he tries to strong arm you and you feel bullied, voice that. Say you feel bullied and he needs to back off. If the mediator is any good, they'll support that.

I think you need to be really honest about what your son's needs are, separating out your own, and your ex's, and then try to advocate for that. It could be that your child is picking up on your own anxiety about the new arrangements, or it could be genuine distress at being so unsettled, and I think you need to have a think about which you believe is most likely before deciding what to do next. It's certainly very suspicious that he wasn't able to put him to bed one night in the week before, yet now he wants fully shared care.

I'm sorry to raise this, but if your ex goes part time and has care for 50% of the week, then his child support obligations drop markedly, and so will any claim to continue residing in the family home until your son is 18. There are huge financial incentives, potentially, in this. That doesn't mean it is the motive - many men are devoted to their kids and can't bear to be separated from them - but can be a factor, too.

If the overnights have been extended to 3 and it is blatantly not working for your son, reduce them again. Nothing is set in stone in childhood and your ex may need to work up to that number more slowly. It should happen on your son's schedule and not the adults'.

I honestly do think you need some legal advice here. What your husband is asking and his approach doesn't really sound very child-centred.

Thank you. I have a good lawyer and see isn't worried about his claims (he isn't helping himself with financial disclosure either but that's another story). It's more I want to read up and perhaps be able to point him in the direction of some literature to stop him pushing his needs onto DS as I can see how he is struggling with it. I know eventually it will get sorted (by a court if necessary) in a reasonable way but there could be weeks and months of this upset ahead.