What kind of counsellor would help with this?

[Lookingforgoodadvice]

DP and I have been having a long-overdue conversation about commitment and children in recent months.

We live together, and are very happy, but he doesn't feel like he wants children now and isn't sure he'll change his mind in a few years which is when I would ideally like ttc. (He was very clear he wasn't sure about kids when we got together, so he hasn't just sprung this on me). I don't want to leave that decision until I'm at the age when I want to start ttc only for him to decide he still isn't ready, and he is very much aware how unfair that would be so we're trying to talk it through now.

He has spent quite a lot of time thinking about this, and has said to me that his main problem with the idea is about the commitment involved. He has often said that he is afraid we would have children, and he somehow wouldn't love them, and would ruin both his life and theirs. In real life, he is an incredibly reliable person and a great godfather and uncle and i have no doubt he would make an incredible father. But now he's started to think in more depth about what's behind his concern about having children it has made him realise that he has a pattern of being overly worried about commitment and that it is ultimately having a negative impact on his life.

For example, he switched careers recently and is much happier on his new path but the level of distress the decision caused him was huge, more IMO than is normal and he still spends a lot of money on membership fees to his old professional body as the idea of letting it lapse and totally cutting off any chance of a return is too much, even though he loves what he's doing and has no desire to go back. When we moved in together, it was essentially by chance: I was due to stay with him temporarily for a few months and he realised how much he liked living with me and asked if we could get a place together. I think actually deciding to do that without the test run would have taken a few more years.

He has always found making big decisions incredibly difficult, there are actually loads of examples and I don't want us to end an amazing relationship if it turns out this is just about his difficulty making a decision he will have to commit to for the rest of his life rather than an actual aversion to having children.

He has asked if I think this is the kind of thing people speak to counsellors about, and if they could help. I think it probably is, and have been doing some googling, but I actually don't know what kind of person he could talk to. Which is why I am asking the wise people of mumsnet. Would Relate help? I've read some very mixed things about them, and its much more a him thing than a relationship one even though how its manifesting is affecting our relationship. Are there key words to look out for? What would they specialise in? Any advice would be helpful. And please don't tell me he's stringing me along and to dump him: I am 100% sure he is genuine in all this, and trying really hard to figure stuff out: and if he can't, or he figures out he doesn't want children, I am strong enough to end it, I promise. I just want to give him the time to be sure.

Have you asked him what would his feelings be if you got pregnant by accident? I'm not saying this for you to trap him, but for him to try and define what are his actual feelings about having children.

I'd think Relate could be good here. Most bad comments are about how they deal with couples where there's abuse.

He would be pretty freaked out and anxious, but then so would I: we're quite broke (financial situation will improve but not in 9 months, linked to costs incurred by DP's career change) and my job requires a lot of travel that wouldn't be possible with a child. Right now a pregnancy would be disastrous, but it would be very different in two or three years; I'm hoping to be in a different role and for us to be in a different city closer to family before ttc. This part of the plan we're both on board with.

It would be pretty miraculous if it did happen - we use two methods of contraception, always have. We agreed when we got together we should both be responsible for our own fertility. Will look into local relate.

Do you think its worth framing as being just about the kids or as the general issues with decision making?

Or try and find a systemic therapist local to you. Look on the Association for Family Therapy website and there should be a list of therapists who work privately. Wouldn't cost you any more than Relate I wouldn't have thought. Good luck.

I think which issue(s) to discuss would be for you to agree with the counsellor.

How do you feel about marriage? Is this something you'd want too? Is it also affected by his fear of commitment?

Hi OP, I actually work with Relate and don't think they're quite right for you. This sounds like something your boyfriend needs to work through for himself quite separately from you. You're not really dezcribing anything about the relationship that makes him hesitant more some unresolved stuff of his own.You can find lots of accredited therapists on the bacp website and find out more about their approaches based on their own individual websites. They all have diffentent methods but it's fine to try them out and move on if he doesn't like their approach.

Good luck to you both.

May I ask how old you are OP?

Your ages would be a good thing to tell us.

IME men suddenly change and start getting broody in their 30s.
Is he that old yet?

He is clearly someone who would be classed as 'risk averse' in all areas of life.

Is this something you could live with for decades? It's not just about commitment to kids- it would affect everything from house moves to careers.

I don't think he needs a counsellor- I'd say he needs something more like CBT or coaching because he needs to be challenged on his risk averse behaviour.

There is though the outside chance that you are just not 'the one' and if you were, commitment and babies would not seem to scary.

What do you think?

Hi, sorry I abandoned this thread: have been having phone problems all week and too busy to mumsnet in work! I appreciate the replies and will google some of the options mentioned.

I'm 30, DP is 33: only a few of our friends have kids and so far no broodiness seems to be kicking in.

Re: Marriage, I definitely want it: he says the idea of it freaks him out a bit but he is very confident in how happy he is with me and so it wouldn't be an issue if it weren't for the fact we clearly can't get married without being on the same page about having kids. Jaffacakes, funnily enough he's said the only thing that has made him worry I might not be 'the one' is that tv and conventional wisdom seem to suggest that if I was then this wouldn't be a worry and he'd be able to have kids just to avoid losing me. He's given it a lot of thought though and decided that it really is just him and there's nobody else he would want to be with.

The comment about him being risk averse in all areas does ring true actually. When we talk about buying a house he's quite adamant we should only get a mortgage we could afford on one salary in case one of us lost our job. Also I never put the things together, but he has slight OCD tendencies: as in literally taking photographs of the oven to make sure he's turned it off as he's leaving the house and checking all doors are locked on cars with central locking. These have got much better in recent years though, he does still do the car thing though.

I can definitely live with him for decades, despite these tendencies: we balance each other really nicely and he does push himself to undergo risk even though its hard. Changing career was a big thing for him. I suspect pushing this issue now while he's at a critical point in making sure the career change sticks makes it even harder, but we're both agreed we don't have any more time to put the decision off.