Separate or not?

[ladygaga01]

as everyone else I seem to be at a loss as to what to do regarding the relationship with my boyfriend.

Since 2010 I am contemplating splitting up ( we are not married, no mortgage, one DS - 6 years) and 13 years apart in age. But the day-to-day and our parents ill health has always taken centre stage. My boyfriend has also suffered from Leukaemia and I didn't dare leave him during the first breakout of his illness in 2010. He has had loads of chemotherapy and naïve as I was I thought his tantrums and bad moods were a expression of his poor health.

End of October 2011 he treated me really condescendingly - like I was a kid - and I realize we attract what we send out energetically, but I had enough and pushed for a relationship break. He made such a big gesture and said how much he loved me etc etc that I stayed.

This was the only time in seven years relationship when he said he loved me, btw. (!)

In 2012 he found a bone marrow donor and beat his cancer. I looked after him, worked full time, looked after DS and still feel like I am being treated badly.

I know these are first world problems, he is nice enough, helping in the household, raising our son (he is stay-at-home dad, I work) and it's not AWFUL to have him around, but sadly my love for him has been drained away.

If I tell him I am scared he might freak out again or do something to our DS.

Any ideas? Tried to 'force' myself to love him for the last four years and be loyal, but feel it's all taking turns for the worse, rather than getting better.

Happy to hear your thoughts -
ladygaga01

If you've thought about this for three years and you're convinced it would be the right thing to end it then it's probably the right thing. The illness seems to be what has kept you there this long but there's only so far loyalty and guilt (?) can go. My suggestion would be to get some RL emotional and practical support, do some research on how to go about separating safely (Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 are a good resource if there is any risk of aggression), have a plan of action and then carry it through when you're ready.

Very good luck

You have been through a turbulent time and it is little wonder your relationship has suffered.

Would he agree to relationship counselling?

What is it you're scared he might do to your DS?

GilmoursPillow, good question. It's just that every time I approach the subject my partner is like: 'it's so selfish to sacrifice the boys/ his happiness to pursue my own' etc. That I was no longer a teenager, that I need to take responsibility as an adult so deal with the situation "I chose" - when I chose him. He probably wouldn't do anything to our son, but just to think that the boy would be divided between two people makes me sad. On the other hand it's a lot on a 6-year olds shoulders to be the reason why two unhappy people are together... I don't know.

CogitoErgoSometimes is right in saying there is a lot of guilt. My partner says we make the choices we make, and then we need to stick with them. (He has an Irish Catholic upbringing, so I guess masochism is always part of the deal). It's considered to be good to 'suffer'.

I am of the mind that if two people are not a match, and don't really get the best out of each other (we are not very intimate, we are not making each other laugh, we bicker about little things ALL THE TIME etc) then they shouldn't be together.

It's just exhausting. But many people are exhausted, for many different reasons, so part of me is always thinking that's just part of life.

By his reasoning he should also be grown up enough to nurture his relationship etc etc.

You don't have to stay with someone because of their stated morals, or logic, or dedication to being miserable.

If he's the SAHP wouldn't it be you who moves out and pays child support?

You sound like I felt before I left my exH.
Things weren't horrific but we just had nothing in common and I felt he wasn't interested in me, our child or our relationship.
He is also from Irish stock and has family history of damaging relationships (mum and dad divorced, stepdad was abusive, sister married and divorced 3 times also abusive relationships).
I tried for 7 years to stay and be happy (through illness and stressful times like awful neighbours threatening to kill us!) but I got to a point where I was on antidepressants and was SO sick of being miserable and moaning constantly I decided to leave.
I'm much happier now and so is my DS.

There's no place for suffering. Life is far too short. DCs that grow up in miserable, bickering households often experience great stress and anxiety as a result. Having an unhealthy adult relationship modelled for them as normal, they can go on to have dysfunctional adult relationships themselves. A separation is upsetting but children are adaptable. How well they adapt depends entirely on how you manage the transition as parents.

Just because you chose him as your boyfriend, now you realise it was a mistake, there's no obligation to stick around. If he's trying to guilt-trip you, that's just emotional bullying.

Do get advice on the practical stuff and do share your feelings with someone IRL that you trust. His SAHP status is immaterial.

Blueuggboots - Did you just move out with your kid or how did you do it? I am almost paralysed about the actual steps I need to take. As I work I have all the cash and my partner will probably freak out if asked to leave the mutual home (though he has savings, which should keep him afloat for a while).

BillyBanter - smart comment, you gave me food for thought there, many thanks!

I was lucky that I had a friend who said we could stay with her until we were sorted.
But when I told him I wanted to end the marriage, he packed a bag and left, leaving me in the marital home which neither of us could afford on our own.
So I sold it and we split the proceeds.
Obviously I kept him informed throughout the process.

Also your comment "he might do something to my child" rings alarm bells with me!
I felt like that about my exH.

You didn't really chose him for life. You're not even married. He's just a boyfriend, really, and the father of your DS.

Is he a SAHD because you decided it was best, or won't he try to find work?

Get some good legal advice before you make a move as he may get custody of your son as a SAHP