If you have a dh that has the type of "city" job where he is all over the country/sometimes in Europe at meetings, conferences etc. Masses of social events with clients - ie. attending sporting events and "dressy" occasions ie. at the races, lots of black tie dinners etc. - how much info do you have about what hotel he's at etc.? Do you have access to the hotel details or does he just say "I'm in Edinburgh tonight".
Been together 24 years (with an 18 month separation about 14 years ago) he left me for younger colleague. We got back together and not really had any suspicions in all that time.
Just over a year ago I suspected he was developing a crush on someone at work (also married, junior to him and 18 years younger). Also noticed the distancing behaviour and checking out of the marriage, phone never leaving his side.
I confronted him and he said that basically there was no “spark”, he didn’t think there ever had been etc.
I'd put on a lot of weight (3 1/2 stone)/completely stopped taking any care of myself. I said I’d been very depressed and if he was patient I’d get anti depressants and get fit, start taking care of myself and see if there was still no spark. (I have a busy job working from home as well as doing everything to run house, kids (17 and 9) bills etc.
He said he didn’t hold out any hope for our relationship. I found a couple of flirty emails between him and colleague X and walked out and left. I would not be made a mug of again. I should say here, that I don't believe anything has ever happened between him and colleague X. I think she is very much a woman in a man's world and flirts to get what she wants etc. However, my husband falling for this and running around after her etc, I find frankly cringe worthy.
I knew I needed to build a new life for myself and said he was full time parent, i'd be disney mum. I didn't worry about the kids as he is a loving father and would do everything for the kids.
I was gone for two weeks. He took that time off work and said he couldn't believe he'd left me alone to cope with everything and he wanted to make changes etc. For the first time in his life he'd felt the sheer relentless monotony of washing, cleaning, feeding children etc. He said he wanted to get back for the right reasons as we deserved to be a family again. He said if I didn't want that, he could get an au pair etc.
He always denied he had a crush. He said he accepted that maybe he'd been slightly inappropriate by responding to flirty emails as he was married etc and he understood it was disrespectful.
I agreed to come back, but only if he was completely open about passwords etc so that I could build trust up again.
A few months into our new start I found out he’d lied about a trip he was on. He told me colleague X wasn’t going to be there. Turns out he’d actually done her booking for her and was staying for 3 nights at the same hotel. They had meals near the hotel at the end of each working day.
He says he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me overreacting to something he couldn’t change. His job does involve staying away with various members of the team. They were both working at the same event, and couldn’t eat separately.
I can understand this, however him booking her into a hotel was far too considerate and treating her like a princess – let her book her own bloody rooms. He said yes in future he would do that etc. Anyway that blew my trust away when I saw receipts etc that he’d been eating out with her and booking her into same hotel whilst saying just ran into her occasionally at the event. We spoke about it and he agreed to just say if she was going to be somewhere with him rather than "avoid me reacting" etc. I was very much swayed by his calm reaction and wanting to reassure me. I knew if he had something to hide he typically "storms off" etc.
The affair he'd had 14 years ago was now very much in my mind and I felt waves of insecurity etc. I'd question him where he's been etc and sometimes felt ill from worry. Gradually the trust started to return.
Sometimes hotels are booked by the travel department, but he says he prefers to do it himself as he can check for gym facilities etc. and in the past he would have used laterooms.
Cut to last week, the transparency we spoke about last year seems to have slightly disappeared at some stage. I was thinking things were ok but last week he was away overnight. I've had access to his account on laterooms, but hadn't logged on for about six months as things seemed ok for us.
I tried to log in to laterooms, but he’d changed his password. I mentioned this to him and he said he doesn't really use laterooms much any more and offered a suggestion as his password for laterooms, but it didn't work either.
Being able to know I could log into laterooms to see where he was staying, was part of me building up trust again.
I then realised he wasn’t having his work credit card statements sent to our home address anymore. I asked him and he said he didn’t really use laterooms anymore, didn't know about the credit cards.
He's been bit evasive and I haven't directly asked for new passwords etc. as I know what he's going to say. He feels like he's being checked up on etc. I'm very much if you've got nothing to hide, there's nothing to hide etc. Massive row yesterday.
I can't live without openness etc about where he is (based on previous infidelity). He says that was years ago and he's proved himself since then etc.
What do you think? In my position would you want access to hotel details? Or am I being unreasonable?