Advice on helping a loved one in a dark depression?

[ConfusedLady8]

You all helped me loads on my previous thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1967650-Jilted-at-the-alter-is-there-ever-an-excuse

where I asked for opinions on whether a breakdown / depression could have caused my exDP to walk out on me and withdraw emotionally from me.

The help here was the best I could find anywhere.. real life experiences that made it all much more understandable for me. Thank to your help I was able to properly talk to him over the past few days and now I am 10000% certain that his behaviour was all down to this illness.

He has started anti depressants and is soon starting counselling too so he is doing the right things to get help in his life. He is extremely low though and I want to help him but feel like I am not sure what to do exactly.

Our status at the moment is that we are separated but both have a hope of a future. At the moment, he says he is using all his energy just to "be" so please don't think I am asking how to get back together quickly. I am at the moment prioritising his well-being and recovery.

We are texting a lot now, emailing, and sometimes speaking on Skype and he is now opening up to me and talking to me when he is feeling low, which is great because before he was speaking to no one. We are considering ourselves reconnected, and taking baby steps at renewing the bond but from a safe distance.

I asked him if he would prefer to have some months of no contact to allow him to recover without the complication of thinking about "us" or our relationship, and he said that no, at the moment he would really like me to be part of his life as much as possible.

Can anyone help me with any of the following questions I have in trying to get this right.

1.He has been on Citalopram for 12 days now, and he reports that he is tired, yawning, very agitated and feels "emotionless". He says he just wants to "feel" again. He reported feeling very low and he sounded maybe even a little frightened. I have never seen him show any weakness like this before so it was unnerving. Can anyone with experience of Citalopram let me know if he is likely to have a reduction of side effects after a few more days or weeks..and if his emotions will return? I hope being "emotionless" is not a permanent effect because he says this is the worst part for him

2.I am going to be away from him for four months. Can anyone give me any suggestions for how best to offer support to a friend or partner in this sort of state when you can't be with them physically?

Thanks very much to anyone who can offer input. If anyone who has been depressed severely wants to share their stories the I would also love to read them. It does feel a little like navigating a minefield and I sometimes wonder silly things like whether sending him a get well card would be intrusive or stressful or whether it would give him a life. It's really hard to know the best thing :( Thanks all.

Wrt to 1. I found citalopram made me very tired and doctor advised me to take it in the evening instead. I worked out 7.30 ish was about right for me to hit the tired stage as I went to bed iyswim.

I found things got a bit clearer after I figured out the timing and the dosage within a couple of weeks. Within a month I was a totally different person (in a good way!)

I'm afraid I don't have much to offer in terms of wisdom, but am going through something very similar with DH and I know how painful it is for those on the other side.

DH had similar experiences with the AD medication...it does improve with each week I have heard. I am also waiting to see positive results.

I will also be interested in hearing what tips the forum have on supporting a partner with this illness. It is definitely hard to know what is best to do.

It's normal to feel a bit weird on Citalopram for the first few weeks, ask him to persevere as it's SO worth it. It doesn't 'numb' me, just stops me dropping too low. Makes me able to function/think normally.

Good luck with everything.

I can't offer much help about how to help a DP in these circumstances, I'm sorry.
However citalopram, yes it made me constantly tired and I couldn't stop yawning. I actually felt physically agitated, ie muscle twitches and regless leg syndrome. And numb. The side effects can certainly reduce after a few weeks. But with some people the only solution is to switch to a different AD. His emotions will return. Citalopram saved my life 15 years ago.

I left my wife when I was depressed. It was a terrifying time for me because I didn't know I was depressed. I just felt really, really unhappy and being with her didn't feel "right" or make me happy in the way it once did. I felt the overwhelming urge to get away from everyone, including her. I knew academically that I loved her, but I just didn't feel it. Logic was out the window.

She stuck by me, often with incredible patience, and as I came out of it I wondered what the hell I had been thinking. We had an amazing marriage and depression sent my judgement right off kilter.

We are back together now, better, stronger and I consider our bond unbreakable.

Stay patient, don't lose hope, let him know you are there, send him a get well card, send him texts to let him know you love him. Even if he can't say he loves you back, it will reach him deep down.

Hi

First 12 days on cit is not very long, it can takes weeks for some people to feel ok ish and see some change others straight away no two people have the same effects on meds.

He will be frightened no doubt about that, it's the worst thing I've ever gone through. He may feel emotionally drained this makes you feel very tired especially if his mind is constantly thinking And not switching off(this is very hard to deal with) so his sleep may be affected.

Things should start to improve I'd say at least 12 weeks in (we all different) if there not depended what his gp or psych is like some like you to give it time then others give it less and try you with another AD.

I'd say just do what you doing, being there when HE wants you. Don't be feeling hurt if he becomes snappy or offhand or even very quite, it's because the illness and how he feels that's making him like that. It's all on his term unfortunately at this time, it will be his way of coping and no added pressure from anybody.

Like I say everybody copes differently but I personally went into myself, wanted to be alone but then was very scared(53) it was very frightening even though I've been through anxiety/depression many times you never ever get used to it.

Hope the cit work for him, and he starts to pick up soon

Thanks all.

Clio..yes, it is all about him, but he really was the most loving, supportive and kind partner you could ever wish for and I can't tell you how many times he was there for me when I was crying or sad. He was also there for me through a nasty period of illness and I could not have hoped for more. His stiff upper lip nature meant though that he didn't share his own worries, stresses or sad feelings with me and it's nice that he is doing it now finally and realising that I can be the strong one too if need be.

Of course it;s a challenge to understand that someone who wanted to be with you every minute of every day now doesn't want to do that but I am learning not to take it personally. I can see right now he actually needs to be totally selfish for the first time in his life.

Don't take any of it personally. Depressed men can act out towards those closest to them.

Give the ADs time to work...three or four weeks and it will be and up and down ride.

In the meantime text him and email every day to let him know you love him and will be there still when he feels better.

It's a game of patience...but look after yourself too. I know my wife took a battering emotionally

I think my dad's on Citalopram. He was suffering severe agitation and sleep deprivation. The first ADs he was offered were more if a pick-me-up that should have been taken in the morning. He was changed to Cit and advised to take it at night to aid with getting his sleep patterns back to normal. It worked.

Can you just check what time if day he's taking his Cit? It could make a difference.

Very good advice here. I'd just add to make sure that you have someone to talk to. It's bloody hard work being the well person, and I've seen it from both sides.

I have friends who say that when they are on anti-d's they do feel rather flat, so not depressed but just not having the usual highs and lows of everyday emotions.

They do work well, to lift someone who is quite severely depressed out of that depression, but for some people, the long-term feeling when on them is not pleasant so they tend to come off them once stable again.

Hello, mental health advisor here!

Citalopram is usually one of the first prescribed. The first 2-4 weeks are hell and can make some people feel worse. It can also take up to six months for someone to settle and start to improve. However medication is trial and error, for example sertraline is very similar but has less side effects.

To support him it's just a case of being there for him and listening. The counselling will help, but depending on your area the waiting lists can vary. A lot of people can also feel worse to start with as some feel it is "dragging" up the past.
I recommend "time to change" for more information, they have a Facebook page and a website and their information is very user friendly.

Hi Sammi, thank you. I really hope he is one of the lucky ones who sees an improvement in a few weeks :(

He has health insurance so fortunately the counselling is covered privately and he has no need to sit on the waiting list.

Thanks for all the advice and feedback guys. You definitely feel like you're not achieving anything.

Emotions creep back up on you. It's not an immediate fix. It's more like... meh. meh. meh. meh. meh. holy crap, am I smiling? Bloody hell, I think I may actually be smiling. And blimey, is that actually happiness?

This isn't advice, it's just a very funny blog and this one post just nails it: hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

Thanks Dwerf...will check that out :)

Hi
You could also get him(if he wants to of course) look at nomorepanic
It's for people with anxiety/depression. It as a forum if you want to write anything , advice etc. but you can look also.
They have a med section so he could look under citalopram and see how other uses are coping and what he feels right now if completely normal when first starting meds.

Do you know if his sleep/eating is ok?

Thanks so much Clio...that site looks great.

He eats but he eats less. He sleeps but he says he still feels tired when he wakes up.

It's a shame because he really needs to be looked after but says he wants to be alone.

Teeny...I asked him and he has been taking the pills in the morning. I told him to slowly move it to the evening and he said he would. Fingers crossed this helps...cheers for the advice.

Dwerf...emotions are slowly creeping back. He has flashes, but I think those are quite painful.

His first therapy session is on Thursday. I hope he gets some sort of initial suggestions for managing this better along with the slow and steady process of unravelling the causes and learning the skills for the future to be brighter.

A friend of mine went on cit for a few months, we all noticed how much happier he seemed and back to himself but he hated feeling like a zombie. My fiancé was also prescribed it, after a few weeks he made some major fuck-ups in his job (dangerous for him) and felt very very angry with mood swings. He came off it.

Be prepared for once he's healed for him to feel you as more of a carer/sister than potential partner.

Thanks Stupidhead.

I think 's a case of waiting when someone is depressed severely. You can't really talk to them in a normal way, email them in a normal way or expect hem to see anything at all with their real eyes.

They see everything through the lens of depression which distorts their judgement.

If he is starting therapy and started ADs two weeks ago, give it 2 -4 months before you start seeing him as "himself". Your trip away for 3 - 4 months might be just the right thing as it will protect you from the fallout of his depression. In a way he has released you from responsibility and this is his journey to take.

That said, as his depression / breakdown resolves itself, he's going to be horrified at how badly he screwed up his life when he was in the middle of it. If you love him and intend to at least consider making another go of it, text him, email or call once a day - even if only briefly to check how he is or to give him updates on something. The attention will let him know you've not given up.

From reading your thread, him being able to connect with you and try to let you know he is sorry while he is still in the worst stages of depression is a great sign. Most people cannot be bothered to even wake up in the morning.

Him travelling some distance to see you is also a big feat for people in this state.

What sort of contact are you having now? Does he contact you, is he pleased to hear from you? Have you asked him what he wants?

Bear in mind right now, after a breakdown like this you are very frightened and pretty unstable but any positive thoughts or words you say are 100% true. Any negative ones may be true or may be the depression talking.

If he says nice things...accept them as true.

Thanks MrMistakes. Right now we are talking or texting every day. He is getting less and less cold and detatched although sometimes he takes steps backwards.

He has good days and bad days. On the bad days he can't leave the house or talk to anybody and he says he just stays in bed. On those days he still talks to me, so that's good.

He's starting therapy this week. The medication is going better but slow progress.

Yes, he contacts me every day now. Little updates, little messages and just once every now and then an "I love you" or something else that's a glimpse of who he used to be. A lot of the time he just sounds really scared, but at least the "blank page" character where he didn't even talk ro respond or feel anything seems to be on it's way out.

Have to say...after seeing this, I would not wish anxiety / depression or a breakdown on my worst enemy.

Have a look at the Mental Health forum on mumsnet - its under the Health heading. There's a lot of great advice about Citroplam and depression.

Thanks Scottish, have been following it and also looked up old threads. Seems like a lot of mixed experiences and no one can predict terribly well.

It is the worst thing I've ever had to cope with, and I've had a few episodes of anxiety/depression in my life started at 25 through life events buying house,getting married and sisters death all in 3 mths.

That's good that he's communicating with you still, as a lot of the time you really just want to be left alone. Then the next min you feel you what someone it's so up and down.
Doesn't matter what ages you are I'm 56 and my last episode was horrible I was petrified of the feeling and thoughts I was getting every day.

What sort of therapy is he having? As there lots out there. Did his gp give him the cit? As this is the first one one the list the start you with(cost)
Or He he going down the private route? As you mentioned he as private health. Psych can prescribe different medication than gp, gp only can prescribe a few. But cit might be the one for him.

Some therapy you have got to be in the right frame of mind ie to soon and you will find it to overwhelming to cope with.