Am I being possessive jealous and silly? Or completely reasonable? Opinions please!

[MonsterMunchMe]

I have been with DBoyfriend for a few months. We have known each other 5 years. He was with his ex for 6 years, I knew her as well. Their relationship came to an end a year ago as he cheated on her with, let's call her Anne for ease!

Being friends before, I knew the reason for the split and all the gory details - one night stand with Anne after a party when ex was away on holiday, they did it twice, as soon as his ex got back from holiday he ended it, I know from being friends with them both, that their relationship had been dead for a couple of years, not an excuse but trying to paint a picture, Anne was also in a relationship at the time of the ONS, she later spilt up with her partner and now has a New relationship and lives with new partner.

Anyway that's the back ground.. The point it...

DBoyfriend told me in passing a few weeks ago that he was going away for the weekend, he mentioned it in passing a few more times and I thought nothing of it.
Now today, it came up, that he was going up their with a mutual friend of his and Annes to stay at Annes and her new boyfriends house!

I said, it makes me feel really uncomfortable, and I wouldn't do that to him out of respect to him and his feelings but I would never try and tell him what to do or make a drama when he goes but it was very shady how he didn't mention it the first few times he said he was going away.

He said I completely understand, I thought it would be fine but as soon as the words came out of my mouth I realised how out of order and weird it was, it had been planned since before we got together and he didn't think until the time was near, then realised and got stressed at the weirdness of it and if he didn't go mutual friend couldn't go as doesn't drive. Anne lives 4+ hours drive away now. But he realises it's wrong, he doesn't want to go and isn't going. I asked how much he spoke to her and he said a occasionally as they were friends before. I don't understand why/how you could/would want to talk to someone in this situation?? His ex was heartbroken, even though their relationship was dying before it, and Anne was friends with his ex as well, as they all had to work together for 3+ months afterwards till Anne moved.

This has really shaken me to be honest. And I have no idea why. I know him so well, we spoke like reasonable adults, he completely accepted my point of view and now isn't going (his choice) I feel on edge like something bad will happen.

I've had a two very abusive relationships, I've had counsilling but could this be why? Should I be worried?

Completely impatient bump as I'm stressing out at the fact I have no idea how normal relationships are supposed to work and what I should/should have said or done differently!

Major over think for a Sunday night

I think you both sound reasonable.
good relationships are about communicating your feelings, you did just that and he agreed with your viewpoint and cancelled the trip.

you could have pretended you were ok with it , to avoid an uncomfortable discussion but your were true to your own feelings. well done !

Thanks anapitt since he left for work I've been going over it and getting quite anxious.

I'm not used to dealing with a reasonable man, it was quite a revelation to have a partner respect and care about my opinion, and agree my feelings are valid. That's quite sad I suppose!

It's shaken you I think because you know he cheated on his ex and you are worried (naturally) he will cheat on you. I would also not want him to go away for the weekend to stay with Anne. anapitt had it spot on really.

On the other hand, you need to work out the subconscious worry that you have because he can go away for weekends and there should be trust. Maybe that will come with time though. Trust is earned.

True confused but I'm usually pretty chilled out, any other weekend away, with any other friends including female ones I don't have a problem with. He goes out with his mates once/twice a week and I feel no need to check up on him at all, it's not my place and I'm not his keeper. I've been in relationships with controlling and possessive men so I know how awful it is, so I try extra hard to not do/act/say anything that could be mistaken for controlling and possessive.

It's just with Anne and this weekend. I think it's because, if I put myself in his shoes, I just would not do it, as it would be (IMO) inappropriate and unnecessary. But maybe that's just me?

I wouldn't have been happy about it either and I would also wonder why I hadn't been invited.

Weekend aside - did you talk to him about the way it makes you feel about him that Anne is still a friend of his, even though they really hurt his ex by having sex when he wasn't free to do so. It seems to me that the bigger problem you have with Anne isn't that you are worried about him having sex with her, but that he still wants to be friends with someone who was part of upsetting his ex? Which I can kind of understand but mostly I feel is a bit skewed if you are able to 'get past' his previous behaviour why can't you get past hers given HE was the one that owed his previous gf his loyalty?

Hmmmm I see your point chipping. At the time it happened I chewed his balls off verbally. And told him exactly what I thought of him and his actions, I had no opinion of Anne to be honest. It was only today when he told me this, that I have even given her a second thought.

I have accepted his past behaviour and moved past it. And as I knew them both, I knew about their relationship and they were not right for each but it was limping on with either of them being happy. BUT I told him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour was wrong.

I Spose I just don't see the need to do it. It's not a birthday, they only worked together for about a year so not exactly life long friends.

what do you think Ann and him are going to do - shag each other in a bed in her new house???

TBH 2 one night stands do not make a relationship do they???

and tbh its not for you to lecture him about his behaviour before you got together, now, especially not as you knew about it when you got together in the first place

Ermmmmmm I'll take that on board mj but I never said they had a relationship? They shagged each other twice when they were both in relationships with other people, I had an opinion, a year ago, when it happened, and we weren't together. During our relationship, I have never spoken about it, until today.

It just sounds like a mountain out of a molehill thing, I occasionally (once maybe twice a year) meet up with a whole group of pre dh friends, there may or may not be someone who in the distant past something may have happened with, it may be at someones house, I wouldn't expect DH to take issue with anyone who is there or not there, because I expect him to trust me and vice versa.

Yes but mj that's not really the same and staying for a weekend in the house of a guy you cheated on a long term partner with is it?

I don't think it's a mountain out if a molehill, I haven't lost my rag with him or created a huge drama. I told him how I felt. He agreed and cancelled. I came on here to talk it out. Things with me and him are fine, he said himself that he wouldn't like it if the roles were reversed and he realised it was a dickish thing to do as soon as he said it to me.

I really started this thread to talk it through as i have had abusive relationships in the past and just wanted to check my reactions and way of dealing with it were ok. I pretty certain 99% of people in my situation would feel the same way.

I will duck out but it seems like you started the thread to find people who agree with you - you said yourself their relationship was ending, and I don't like dragging the past into now.

I personally think it was fine for him to go - unless you are insecure, I don't see the problem tbh, but that is just me.

Sorry to be the only negative voice on this thread, but would your boyfriend have backed out of the trip if you ha bitten your tongue and said nothing?

You have knowingly begun a relationship with a cheater, do you feel that you could ever trust him (I mean really trust him, not act like you do) without twisting yourself into psychological knots the way you're doing now?

Ok mj nothing you have said has made me think I handled it in the wrong way, that's why I'm not agreeing with you. But I did agree with and accept the point chipping made earlier. Not sure where you are getting the 'I want everyone to agree with me' vibe from.

freakin I'm not sure and I'll never know. But I had an opinion and feelings on the matter so I said them. Why would I bite my tongue? And the psychological knots are to do with me being used to being hit and called every name under the sun when I used to voice my opinion in my past relationship. He's cheating has never bothered me, I do not use it as a stick to beat him with. Again, it has never come up before today.