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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to encourage DH to help out more around the house.

42 replies

sharond101 · 19/01/2014 21:50

I am constantly nagging my DH about what he is not doing. Not helping the mood at home. I feel like I do everything. He recently had back surgery (4months ago) and had gotten used to being unable to do alot to help out. He is a good bit better now though unable to lift or do anything too exerting. He has never been the model house husband. I have always been the one to do all of the chores. We have a dog and a 20month son though and it's all too much for me alone when he wants looking after too. It makes me feel like he doesn't respect me but it's not in his nature to even think about doing something useful or to consider how much I have on my plate. I have asked him to help me but I get lots of excuses. He works full time (only 4 days just now to ease back after operation). I work two days. My parents watch DS so DH has no responsibilities there. I make his dinner and lunch even when I am at work. I do all the washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, tidying... everything. He looks after the finances. I notice tiny things which makes me mad like me having to walk upstairs 3 times with all the things that need going up and he going up emptyhanded. How do I encourage him to help more constructively?

OP posts:

Original poster

sharond101 · 20/01/2014 22:10

I made the list and asked him to tick off a few tasks he thought he would manage. He cooperated without grumble and now has agreed to clean the couch once per week, wipe down the kitchen counters and cupboard doors, clean the utility room, top up the dogs food, clean the inside of the fridge and the washing. Here's hoping he delivers. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:

Logg1e · 21/01/2014 08:57

Well done. Now, no nagging. The most I would do, if I couldn't leave it any longer is say something like, "Would you be able to do the utility room tonight? I've got a tonne of laundry to get through tomorrow".

In a week's time you could both review the situation.

(I've got to ask, what does cleaning the couch consist of?).

Joysmum · 21/01/2014 09:06

That's a great start. The hard bit is to make sure you don't ever pick up the slack if he doesn't manage to do his tasks.

If you compensated then you'd be training him to expect you to make up for his shortcomings.

I remember accidentally training my hubby (years ago) that if he did a bad job, or showed how hard he found it (ironing) then I'd take over because I found it easier and wanted to make his life easier. What started off with the best of motives on my part actually was seen as controlling and never actually gave him a chance to develop new skills so I'd totally ballsed up there but still saw it as him being wrong, rather than me being the problem to a large extent.

KouignAmann · 21/01/2014 10:20

Many many years ago my wise DF noted that my H was suffering from "simulated domestic incompetence".
This phenomenon is common among highly intelligent professionals with excellent IT skills who manage a complex career. But faced with a washing machine they struggle with the tricky controls and manage to shrink the woolens or dye the sheets pink. Then they "forget" to put out the bins and fail to wash up the pans but "leave them to soak".
The trap I fell into was to take over competently and deal with all of it. And I never managed to hand any of it back again.
Don't let him get away with it!

Original poster

sharond101 · 21/01/2014 12:39

CLeaning the couch is wiping with a cloth to get the sticky finger marks away and removing dog hairs!

OP posts:

Logg1e · 21/01/2014 12:46

Ahhh, I don't know what I was thinking.

I am really pleased you spoke about this. There's nothing as destructive as seething resentment. Do you feel yourself waiting for him to do his chores (or waiting for him not to do them!)?

Original poster

sharond101 · 21/01/2014 15:12

Yes but then I am at home looking at untidy things and he is at work so I need to be patient and appreciate the small amount of extra time I will have. Thank you all for being supportive (except the one that suggested I may leave him if he didn't help, kind of extreme!)

OP posts:

Joysmum · 21/01/2014 15:18

It wouldn't be mumsnet without a LTB post!

Fairenuff · 21/01/2014 16:46

Did you make a list of all the jobs, or just the ones he thought he could do? It would be worth also listing all the jobs he is not doing just so that he can see how much there is to do.

What about making the packed lunches and cooking, it sounds like he could do those too?

P.S. Stop calling it 'helping'!!

Original poster

sharond101 · 21/01/2014 17:58

I made a list of the things he could possibly manage. DIdn't want to dent his self esteem. I like the cooking so I have stuck with that job, we would live on takeaway food left to him. I did put on the list a suggestion of making dinner once per month - he didn't opt for that one though!!! He has come home tonight and asked if i have any washing to go in the tub as he is planning on doing a washing, bless him.

OP posts:

Logg1e · 21/01/2014 18:00

I made a list of the things he could possibly manage.
Then he won't know how much you do.

DIdn't want to dent his self esteem.
I don't think you need to worry about. Besides, it's more likely to be dented when he realises he's not even doing his fair share.

I like the cooking so I have stuck with that job, we would live on takeaway food left to him.
No, he would have to learn to cook.

He has come home tonight and asked if i have any washing to go in the tub as he is planning on doing a washing, bless him.
No, that's a normal thing for an adult (parent, child, sibling) you live with to say.

MissScatterbrain · 21/01/2014 18:05

Hmm...you seem to be trying to mother him, all this about not wanting to dent his self esteem, bless him etc.

He is a grown adult and is more than capable of learning to cook - this new skill should boost his self esteem and is extremely useful (what would he do if you got run over by a bus?!).

Fairenuff · 21/01/2014 18:35

You made the list? Oh dear, OP, you have such a long way to go.

Your expectations are so low!

SolidGoldBrass · 21/01/2014 18:47

Well you could let him know that some surveys have shown that men in heterosexual relationships who do their fair share of domestic work have happier sex lives. Because women who live with a man who makes it clear that he considers them domestic servants tend to become less enthusiastic about sex - a man who is selfish and lazy over domestic work and wants sex all the time is a dreadful turn-off: sex becomes another chore the woman is expected to perform for his benefit.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 21/01/2014 18:51

The only thing worse than a man who doesn't do housework is an ex-serviceman who does.

This is the opinion of most of the women who married into the Disgrace family. We all went through cadets at least, a lot of us made it to NCO in the regulars. DF got through Cranwell and his ironing was unwearably perfect.

My SIL once complained that normal people get the munchies on weed, not springclean at 2am. I threw DW2B out of the kitchen on our first date. "Ready ground pepper? That's for muggers' eyes, not putting in food".

We're easy to live with, as long as the sofa cushions are turned weekly.

Joysmum · 21/01/2014 18:54

You can't win with some people can you?

I think your doing well. No point in making massive changes all at once, great to start small and build up. Something is better than nothing, no point in trying to run a marathon before you've done the training, and he will need training. Good for you for seeing things from his side and easing him in

Fairenuff · 21/01/2014 19:34

He will need a lot of training.

While you are at it, you can have a think about how you are going to train your son too. My 14 year old ds cooked lasagne for us this evening. He always cleans his own room, can use the washing machine and iron. He has been making his own packed lunch since the age of 7.

He would be able to look after himself much better than your dh OP. You are making light of it now, 'bless him' etc., but remind yourself of what you wrote in your OP>

I am constantly nagging my DH about what he is not doing.

Not helping the mood at home.

I feel like I do everything.

I have always been the one to do all of the chores.

^...it's all too much for me alone

It makes me feel like he doesn't respect me...

I have asked him to help me but I get lots of excuses.

I work two days.

My parents watch DS so DH has no responsibilities there.

I make his dinner and lunch even when I am at work.

I do all the washing, ironing, cleaning, shopping, tidying... everything.

Quite strong statements and you do sound unhappy and overburdened when there is absolutely no need for it at all. There are two adults in the house. Why don't you treat him like one and let him develop the skills he is lacking?

You would both be much happier and a better role model for your son.

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