Really need support right now

[lisalisa]

I am not sure where i am headed or what I want right now. I just need support and some hand holding whilst I try to work things out. I have very very little support in real life - in fact i can't believe how alone i feel.

Dh and i have been married for nearly 20 years. Marriage has had good and bad times but we've never been a really close " in love" type of couple. We have 6 children so massive incentive to stay together especially now 3 of them are teenagers and hyper sensitive to what is going on in the house and taking exams etc.

We are also members of a religion which places great store by the family unit and there are few divorces or women bringing up kids on their own in my area ( there are some definitely but I know for a fact that they struggle and feel lonely).

our relationship has been going downhill for a really long time. Frighteningly its not so much about screaming rows but more about the lack of care for eachother - him for me I think mainly as I do care for him. We never go out at all anymore and its expected more or less that we live separate lives -only going out together to events like weddings or friends parties. Even then we sometimes arrive and leave separately and dn't really spe d the evenings togheter.

It's got to a new low now where I am left at home alone most evenings - he either works late or goes out or - like tonight- texts the older kids asking if they'd like to see a movie and takes them out. Ihave had a mega shitty weekedn just cleaning and keeping hoouse going at home.

I saw a counsellor together with him last year but she was expensive and after a few sessions where we really started talking and doing some good work he just made excuse aafter excuse not to go any more and just said we couldn't afford it.

There are reasons I don't want to split up - it would be incredibly hard for the kids in terms of hte community we are part of and financially would be ruinious. Now we live just about ok but with no luxuries. Having to support two households would mean we would probably live on the breadline.

There is no-one i can talk to in real life. here and there I have discussed this with some of my friends but it seems I am more and more distant from them as the years go by. People get older and busier with their own kids and lives and circumstances and I no longer feel so close to the friends I once did. It is hard to make new friends though and i feel so alone. Here and there I have reached out to people in authority inour religion to share and try and find support that doesn't cost a fortune like counselling there but I guess people have their own lives and the few people i did confide in seemed to want to push me into counselling and not really support me.

I don't knwo what MN can do for me . Nothing probably but it would be nice to hear from a few people wtih ideas or comfort or just sympathy really. Just something out there in the big cold world to help me get through another day or year like this.

I think it is easy to lead separate lives these days and grow apart from your partner over time. I don't have any real gems of wisdom.

You sound as though you could do with going out to the movies or doing something for yourself though, does your community have something like the Women's Institute or other groups that you can go to? Why is it you that stays at home?

Anyway, we all feel like this sometimes, you are not alone. Here is a mugful of sympathy and I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you!

Which religion is this that forces people to stay together when they're so obviously beyond miserable? Are you in the UK?

I am sorry you feel so sad, that sounds very difficult. Holds Hand

Do your children know how you feel? Do they understand that you feel excluded when he takes them out and not you?

Could you do or say something that would change his attention for a little bit? Make him have to see you and what you are going through, to maybe make you focus on each other a bit more?

"financially would be ruinious. Now we live just about ok but with no luxuries. Having to support two households would mean we would probably live on the breadline."

It may give you some strength to talk to a solicitor and other agencies such as CAB about the reality of things such as the division of marital assets, spousal and child maintenance and also what benefits are available to lone parents (assuming you're in the UK). With six children you may find that you're in a better position than you currently assume.

Social pressure and self-righteousness in a community is nasty stuff but knowledge is very powerful and could boost your resolve.

Thanks cherriesarered - funny enough we do have the womens institute locally but I felt - perhaps wrongly - that it is mainly for the blue rinse generation who bake cakes? I do need to go out more but just feel a bit friendless .

Cogito - sorry if I misled - my religion does not in any way force people to stay together and yes I am in UK - in London. It is just that in the community I am in things really centre around families and being togeher - it is hard for single people . But perhaps that is true generally anyway.

Thanks hedgehead - i think the kids do know how i feel . They are always asking me to come and telling him to come and ask me so he does. Like tonight he texted oldest dd1 who's 17 saying he was going to take them to the cinema. She got all excited and the older 3 kids started getting ready. When he came home one of them must have asked him if he aske dme to come so he came into the room and said half heartedly " do you want to come?" i replied that if he had really wanted me to come he would have either asked me and only me ( its not normal in my eyes for a husband to ask his kids to the cinema on a sunday night and not his wife!) or he would have arranged a baby sitter if he wanted me and older kids. Or he would have done none of this but at least texted me when he texted dd to ask me to come too.

his response was something like " oh for goodness sake stop making everything so complicated . if you want to come then come".

It was of course impossible to come as I have also 3 younger children at home who would need a baby sitter.

When dd1 heard this she offered to stay at home and it was embarrassing and just awful to hear each of the 3 older kids say to him that me and him alone should go or each of them would babysit so I could go . In the end I went upstairs and locked myself in my bedroom and cried and he went with the kids

Cogito - re financials. I know roughly what i am entitled to but the reality is different. He just wouldn't pay properly I know that

If you get divorced and it is agreed that you have a particular settlement then not paying you properly puts him in contempt of court and in big, big trouble. Ultimately it's about what you want more, an easy life or your self-respect...

All communities are centred around families but families take many forms and, in a genuine community, all are as valuable as each other. Anyone who would treat you differently post-divorce to the way they do now would simply be ignorant & spiteful.

jewish? orthodox?

if you can fill your life with your own interests for a while... how long till your youngest is grown up?

he doesn't show you proper respect and concern - maybe he doesn't know he ought, but its pointless worrying about that as you can't force it.

focus on the nice things and make quiet gentle plans for when you will be free.

Thanks cogito. I'm not sure self respect or an easy life are the choices to be honest.

Rabbitlady - how did you know? can i ask - are you? Feel free to ignore that it you want.

My little one is just 3 so potentially a huge time to wait.

I like the idea of quiet gentle plans for when I am free. Actuyally i have massive rocking plans! I want to cruise to Alaska , go to iceland, carribean , write poetry and give masses to charity - orphanages /hospitals.

It's just that - - 15 years is so very long to wait.

Hugs from over here, lisalisa. There are quite a few single parents in our (modern orthodox) community - I don't think anyone will look down on you, but obviously it is a huge upheaval. It doesn't sound like a matter for a counsellor, rather that your DH has to show a bit of concern for your feelings. We sometimes find that it's easier to do our own things, but we try to force ourselves to get a babysitter and go out together. Feel free to pm me if you like.

I think you should follow Cogito's advice and get some hard facts about what the financial situation would be if you separated. And what, if anything, would happen if he refused to support you.

Secondly, you say that single women are sad and lonely in your community. It sounds to me as though married women can be too.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Think about it.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from both of you?.

One of them probably noticed that you disappeared up to your bedroom and shut the door. Your eldest children are more aware about all this than you perhaps care to realise.

You cannot spend the next 15 months like this, let alone potentially the next 15 years.

You need proper legal advice first and foremost. Knowledge as well is power!.