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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I get your opinions on this? Alcohol consumption...

28 replies

desperatelyseekingsolace · 19/01/2014 21:07

My H and I are separating and after a couple of weeks of stony silences are beginning to talk about what's gone wrong.

One of the main sticking points for me by no means the only one is the amount he drinks. I have been asking him to curb it for years, initially with moderate success but now he ignores me and is actually drinking more now we are breaking up. He thinks I am paranoid and controlling about this, can I get a straw poll on what the rest of you think is normal?

He doesn't really binge drink and rarely gets very drunk by his standards. It's just the steady dependence that worries me.

So on an average day he drinks between three and five cans of (regular strength) lager. Usually four. Weekend evenings it can creep up to six. Almost never has a night off -- only when nagged to do so or when sick.

Is it just me or is this too much to be drinking every day when you are at home with family, every day?

Because I think it is but I am starting to doubt myself on it.

OP posts:
Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 19/01/2014 21:21

Yes his alcohol consumption is too high. By not actually having a break, his liver is taking a hammering and never getting a chance to recover. It's not cheap either. Over a year it's the equivalent of the council tax paid probably!

SolidGoldBrass · 19/01/2014 21:37

He's probably drinking too much, but at least you're separating and won't have to put up with it any more. You cannot control another person's drinking, and it's a waste of time to try. Concentrate on yourself and DC now, and if he wants to drink himself to death it's his problem.

Liara · 19/01/2014 21:38

Yes, that sounds like way to much to me.

ilovepowerhoop · 19/01/2014 21:39

yes it is a lot but you cant control what he drinks and luckily it is no longer your problem. We have a drink at the weekends and then nothing during the week.

Onesiegoddess · 19/01/2014 21:43

Just looked online. There are 2.2 units in one can. He has 32 cans a week which is 74 units s week. The maximum recommended number of units for a man is 21 units per week.

Onesiegoddess · 19/01/2014 21:48

So in theory he is drinking enough alcohol for 3.5 men.

Looking at cost - say a four pack is 5 pounds, that's £40 a week. That's just over 2k per year.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2014 21:50

The Drinkaware site has some short questionnaires that you might find helpful.

GlitzAndGiggles · 19/01/2014 21:53

It does sound like a lot to be drinking daily. My mum used to drink a bottle of wine most nights despite my cries for her to stop. Sorry to sound harsh but he's drinking himself to an early grave

LulaPalooza · 19/01/2014 21:53

That's around 64 units of alcohol per week.

Regular strength lager has 2 units. I just checked our fridge and DH's Kronenbourg has 2.5 units per can.

So 2 units per can x 4 = 8 units per week day, or 40 units over 5 days. If he then has 6 cans on a Friday/ Saturday or Saturday/ Sunday that's another 24 units. So, around 64 per week.

The recommended maximum amount of units of alcohol over a week is 21-28. Even if that's a conservative amount your DH drinks way in excess of that.

My DH used to drink 4 cans of Kronenbourg a night. He didn't think that was a lot until I showed him how many units it was. He now has 2 cans max, and never every night.

Also pointing out the cost to him helped. He was spending around £40 per week. That's over £2k a year.

I don't know if that is at all helpful, I just know that presenting cold, hard facts but in a calm and rational way was the only way to get DH to slow down. He simply had no comprehension of how much he was consuming.

Good luck. Xx

LulaPalooza · 19/01/2014 21:54

Ah, cross posts with onesie

Normalisavariantofcrazy · 19/01/2014 22:03

Way too high and is similar to DH's consumption.

They're alcoholics and need to realise this themselves. I've given up with DH and his drinking. I've stopped listening to him moan he doesn't sleep and his joints ache, my stock answer is "it's the drink" because it is. He chooses to ignore me. It's eroding my marriage like it has yours.

I feel for you and congratulate you on leaving.

Original poster
desperatelyseekingsolace · 19/01/2014 22:06

Lula but you see the key thing here is the difference between what your H did and what mine did, yours recognised that there was a problem and cut back. My STBX either doesn't recognise there's a problem or is incapable of controlling it. Or doesn't give enough of a f* to do anything about it. Or a bit of all three, most likely.

His stepdad was a problem drinker/borderline alcoholic and was basically forced to stop by doctors. I think he's grown up around it and doesn't think his drinking is in any way out of the ordinary. And part of the problem is that when we first got together I drank almost as much as he did but now, 10 years and one child on, I have cut right back -- drink a bit at weekends and when I go out with friends but hardly at all during the week, maybe 2-3 units between Monday and Friday. Knocking back four or five cans every night of the week (and more if he goes out after work as he does occasionally) just repels me now and I'm very glad to be away from it.

Those of you saying "you can't control it, not your problem any more," are right, but what concerns me is his access to our DD if his drinking carries on at this level or gets worse (as I suspect it will when he is fully single.) He's not silly enough to drink when he's with her or anything like that. But I'd be wary about allowing her to stay overnight with him if he's drunk five or six cans of beer.

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 19/01/2014 22:07

What Solid said. You can't control how much he drinks. And yes, he is drinking far too much.

Good luck.

Normalisavariantofcrazy · 19/01/2014 22:09

Lay the law down.

He doesn't have access while he drinks. End of discussion.

Original poster
desperatelyseekingsolace · 19/01/2014 22:35

Normal sorry to hear you are going through it too. I am just not able to not let it bother me, I have been trying for years but I can't bear self-destructiveness my dad was a heavy drinker and I am damned if I am having my daughter go through it.

Are you thinking of leaving or have you made your peace with it?

OP posts:
BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 19/01/2014 22:37

I would seek legal advice. Posters (and he) are right that it's now none of your business what he does or doesn't drink but you can damn well do your best to protect your DD from it, which might mean things getting a bit nasty for a while.

Normalisavariantofcrazy · 19/01/2014 22:42

I don't know yet. I need to decide soon as I'm desperate to finish my family but time is marching on and I can't help but blame him for the two miscarriages we has last year so the resentment is ever building.

I've basically built myself a seperate life with the kids within our marriage, I work full time, have my own money, he's happy for me to do my own thing. It's almost as if we aren't married.

It's crap isn't it.

CookieDoughKid · 20/01/2014 00:20

Your dh is an alcoholic. He is drinking everyday and won't take breaks or limit it. He doesn't recognise he is over the limit and has a problem.

Its going to get worse and there is no incentive for him to change.

Sorry it's not good news but I know this, because I could have written your post 2 years ago.

I had left dh at the time. Best thing ever.
Now back together, dh totally dry as he knows he is an alcoholic.

CookieDoughKid · 20/01/2014 00:21

My dh is not cured but he had a new addiction. Exercise!

Original poster
desperatelyseekingsolace · 20/01/2014 06:56

CookieDough exercise would be fine with me, as addictions go.

OP posts:
Dahlen · 20/01/2014 11:16

He's definitely drinking too much. He is consuming well over his units allowance, which means he is damaging his health. He cannot give up, therefore he is dependent. No matter how much he says he doesn't want to rather than can't, the fact is that if he is 'choosing' Hmm not to stop despite the damage to his health, then he is an addict.

He may not be a shot-of-whisky-in-his-morning-coffee, soon-to-be-living-on-the-streets alcoholic, but he has a problem with alcohol. He is a high functioning alcoholic. Chances are he can carry on like this - fulfilling his work obligations and maintaining the semblance of a normal life - for years without any major repercussions until the point where it catches up with him and he succumbs to an alcohol-related illness. He has already, of course, also fallen foul of one of the other pointers for alcoholics, which is alcohol having a negative effect on their relationships.

Unless you feel he is likely to drink to the point where DD is likely to come to harm, I wouldn't dwell on his drinking if he has contact with her. It is an offence to be drunk in charge of child, but having a few drinks in the evening while your child is at home and going to bed is unlikely to be taken seriously by the courts. However, if you think your STBXH is likely to drink and drive, or drink to the point of being comatose while DD is in his care, that puts a different complexion on things.

Good luck with everything. Flowers

Jan45 · 20/01/2014 12:49

He's an alcoholic, in that he can't stay off it, so yes he has a serious drink problem.

Original poster
desperatelyseekingsolace · 20/01/2014 13:07

Thanks everyone. I totally understand about the "high functioning" thing... In an awful way that makes it worse because someone who is getting up for work on time appears to be in control.

Sounds awful but it would almost be easier if he had a drink fuelled breakdown, at least he would see there was a problem.

But addicts of all kinds are very good at lying to themselves.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/01/2014 13:11

He has a problem with drink, ergo he is a problem drinker

if he is unwilling or unable to have a few nights off a week (as recommended for health) then he is an alcoholic

CookieDoughKid · 20/01/2014 16:52

Our relationship deteoriated SO MUCH that I used to scream and shout at him every time he came home with his 'tins'. He was an extremely high functioning alcholic and was absolutely sober to talk to even after 8 pints in a row. My dh refused to believe there was a problem because he said he could cope with it. It was a very slow slipperly hill all the way down until he realised the hill ended with no family or home for him to go home to.

Please be aware, that in a way, you're enabling him by being with him. I know this sounds really as far from the truth and very odd - but my dh once told me, he had absolutely no incentive to change because - I put up with it - I let him come home to a nice warm bed and family. And he was a bully and said nothing stopped him. What stopped him was him unable to enter the home.

I should have thrown him out years ago but didn't have the courage. I'm glad things are much better for us but it took absolute rock bottom for us to realise it.

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