Am I allowed a life?

[catkin14]

I have posted on here before about my miserable marriage with a manipulative unkind H, and me plucking up the courage to leave it after many years.
After Exh initially went to pieces he then found comfort in the arms of another woman after 5 weeks.
Since then he sees all DCs about once every 3 weeks for a couple of hours and youngest DC has been very hurt by this especially as Exh tried to get DC to make me take exh back with many tears etc.
I have done my very best to keep DCs life stable, have his friends over, take him on holiday and generally try to make up for lack of father.
But DC gets really angry with me if I dont tell him everything about my life, almost expects me to check with him thats its alright with him before I do anything.
I have met a man that I like, its very low key, nothing heavy but DC seems so angry with me about this. As if I have no right to do this.
I am going to talk to him about it later but would like advice on how to deal with this?
He has 2 older DB's who are fine with the situation, but they do not live at home.
I dont want to add more stress to his life than I already have by leaving his DF, but also am beginning to finally have a life, all be it a small one!
Help??

Probably DC feels his life is a bit out of control right now, and knowing what you are doing makes him feel he has more of a handle on it I suppose... You are entitled to a life of your own, maybe you could encourage him to share his feelings with you? In a similar situation my dd struggled, but benefitted greatly from counselling provided by the school. Don't know what age your DC is, depending on this alters whether he can see the logic of you needing a life of your own, at least in theory.

Oh, that sounds hard :( How old is he? It sounds like he's really struggling with the transition which is of course understandable but difficult for you.

Thanks. DC is 15.
I tell him most things, some are my own business of course, but try not to hide stuff from him as I know this makes him angry.
But its as if I have to tell him everything. He doesnt do this with me, somehow I need to help him understand that I am a person and not just his mother.
I have asked him if he would go to counselling but he refuses. He does talk to a close friend which helps him though.

I think you're going to have to risk DS's anger and stand up to him or he will go the same route as his father i.e. believing he can manipulate and bully you into doing what he wants ad infinitum. It's not about making him understand any more than the problem with your ex was that he didn't understand. You have made allowances, overcompensated and have tried to keep him sweet and stress-free. Now I think you have to simply tell him that you have made certain decisions and he just has to go along with it, like it or not. You have the authority and you have to use it.

Thanks Cogito.
I am afraid I will push him too far? He is so angry at times and I try to talk him through stuff but he is at such a difficult age.
He has now said that if I bring my friend home he will hit him! I said that would be very unfair, this man has done nothing to him. But DC says he cant get used to the idea of sharing his mother.
But I have said to him that at the end of the day I am the adult and I have to make adult decisions that affect my life and that i dont need to consult him on everything. Just as he makes decisions about his life, so do I about mine.
This is so hard!!

He has learned how to manipulate and bully by seeing his father in action, I'm afraid. Threats of violence are not 'very unfair' they are completely unacceptable and must be treated as such. Is his school aware that his father has left? Is he displaying aggressive behaviour there?.... or is he saving that solely for you?

Keep setting those boundaries even though it is difficult. I think, despite him being a teen, he still needs you to say 'this is how it's going to be' for a sense of security.

I agree that you need to stand up to him and reinforce that you are the adult in this relationship. However I also think it is worth stating the blindingly obvious to him i.e. that whatever happens with this man you will always be there for him and that he remains your priority.

Given the background he could be forgiven for thinking, however illogically, that you intend to put this man before him. I'm sure this is in his mind (i.e. why does she want another man when she has me?).

That said, I do think you should explain to him that dating and socialising is a normal adult thing to do and just tell him that this is what you will be doing.

I think he's possibly learnt how to treat you from his father....but is there a possibility he is frightened that another man will hurt you?

I think you need to be firm, yet fair and be very clear what is acceptable (expressing fear or sadness about you moving on) and what is not (intimidating, threatening violence).

You need to be firm but sensitive to your son's feelings. He may have learnt manipulative behaviour from his father or may really be frightened of "losing" you. Make it clear to your son that any form of violence is totally unacceptable.

Let your son know that you love him and that he will always come before any man. Give it time - at some stage you could arrange to meet the man with your son but away from the house - perhaps at one of your son's favourite cafés. You and your son should arrive and leave separately from the guy. Make it quite short and see how it goes.

You are of course entitled to a life but the sensitive introduction is in your hands. Good luck.
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Your son is trying to control you and thinks you are simply there for his benefit, as has been said above, I'm afraid he's probably learned this bullying from your ex, time to stand your ground, at 15 he's perfectly capable of understanding.

I'd take a step back from sharing too much with him, he is your child not your keeper. If he is threatening another person then he needs to be told in no uncertain terms thats not acceptable and you won't tolerate it. Get his brothers to talk to him about his behaviour.
Do not under any circumstances give in to his bullying.

Thanks all for replies.
I have refused to not see this man, its really not that often and not a big deal. I have tried to get him to see sense by saying he has his friends/girlfriends and that I too can have the same without having to check its ok with him.
I have told my DC that I am here for him, that I love him, that Im not going to leave him, that this man is not moving in with us.
He is very like his father in his need to control and I manage to get sucked into it!
His brothers are going to talk to him, but they are behind me on this and think he is being very unreasonable.
I think its a matter of sticking to my guns and taking it very slowly with this man and allow DC to come to terms with it in his own time maybe?