Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Relationship with mil after divorce

11 replies

Sasquatch75 · 19/01/2014 19:45

Well, ex mil I guess?!!

Just wondering if many people who get divorced stay on good terms with their exes parents?

It's been 5 months since stbexh left and his parents have been over a couple of times, and texted and phoned quite a few times too. At first it was fine as they're on my side and couldn't believe he'd left me with 3 young DCs aged 6 and under. Then it got worse as he moved in with ow after a month of leaving.

My relationship with his parents was still ok... Until i found out through my DCs that one weekend exh took them all to his parents house with ow too... And she stayed for both nights. She also spent Boxing Day there and slept over with our DCs.

Now I know they're his parents but they're so weak and would never say much to him. He pretty much does what he likes. But it made me feel awful and I just can't talk to them! His mum texted asking if she could phone tonight for a chat but I said I wasn't feeling up to it.

Anyone else been in a similar situation? I don't know how to deal with them. On one hand, I wish they'd leave me alone... On the other, I know they care...

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/01/2014 20:11

IME ILs will always default to supporting their blood relative, right or wrong, however badly they've behaved, and for me personally I don't want anyone in my life that's not 100% on my side. As for 'chats'... 'My enemy's friend is my enemy' etc. I had to let all my ILs go because conversation is awkward when there are things not being said and lots of elephants in the room. Much less stressful if you consign them to history and let the DCs conduct any relationship with them via your ex.

RollerCola · 19/01/2014 20:18

My husband and I separated 6mths ago and I still see his mum & step dad the same amount as before. Me & the kids even went to theirs on Boxing Day. I've always got on well with them and see no reason to stop seeing them. They are my children's grandparents after all.

We don't really talk about my ex when I see them, but other than that it's just the same as it always was. I can't see us falling out of touch either tbh. They seem to care for all of us and I like them both too.

catsrus · 19/01/2014 20:35

I'm in a similar situation to RollerCola it's three yrs since my H left (married 24yrs), he married the OW very quickly after that. I have a very close relationship with my ex MIL, she's a good friend and a fabulous grandmother - but I would never ever expect her to damage her relationship with her son and of course she has to try to build a relationship with his new DW. She's also trying to broker a good relationship between my DC and their step mother. I think this is entirely the right thing for her to do.

Your ex in laws can still be your friends, great grandparents to your DC - but you can't ask or expect them to be any less supportive of their son and his new relationship.

ProphetOfDoom · 19/01/2014 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elliebellys · 19/01/2014 20:44

I was same as you op,great relationship with exmil,but has sadly gone downhill now because of saying inaproprite things about me to the dcs nd constantly relaying everything about me to her son.as the sayin goes blood is thicker than water.

Cabrinha · 19/01/2014 20:54

You have to accept that blood is almost always thicker than water. If you don't think you can accept them accepting OW, distance yourself now.
Other than that, I think it depends what your relationship was like before - genuinely friends, or just linked through XH. In my case - the latter. I still pop up there about once a month (they see grandchild once a week anyway) because it's nice for them, I know they like to see her. But I'm not invested in any relationship with them.

scornedwoman67 · 19/01/2014 21:38

I separated from exh six years ago & divorced last year. I have two SIL's who have been amazing support to me &a FIL we still see regularly. They do see my EXH & the OW but nobody likes her! They were part of my life for 20 years & are always going to be related to my DCs so I am not going to lose the friendship just because he couldn't keep it in his trousers. I do always try to avoid discussing him though unless they directly ask me a question or bring it up themselves.

PepeLePew · 19/01/2014 22:05

I've just called my ex-MIL. We get on well - she was very kind to me and the dcs when her son behaved appallingly and has made huge efforts to stay in touch, remember my birthday and generally stay part of our lives, despite living in Ireland. It would have been easy to use the distance as an excuse but she has tried really hard. She and FIL came over after Christmas for a couple of days - took us to the theatre, out for lunch etc - despite having seen the dcs over Christmas with my ex.

But...it's been a long road to get here. I found it really hard and quite upsetting at the start. My mother died when I was in my teens and she was almost a replacement mother figure for me. I felt very much part of the family and then when it turned out exH was having an affair that was turned upside down. She was furious with him and refused to meet the OW for a while but eventually did and made her peace with them. I hated that, and hated that she was now part of the family and I wasn't. I responded by putting a lot of distance between us, which I know MIL found very upsetting.

But time passes. My ex has two more children with OW now, and of course MIL wants and needs a relationship with them and their mother and I understand that. I can also see that of course she prioritised her relationship with her son over her relationship with me - he basically threatened to stop contact with her if she wouldn't meet his new partner. If be mortified if ds ever behaved like that but I would never want to lose contact with him.

We are fine now - we speak every couple of weeks, meet every couple of months when she is in the UK, and I expect I will take the dcs to Ireland this summer. It's a weird relationship but one I'm glad I didn't lose. But then I like her - if I hadn't or if we had tolerated each other, that would be a different matter.

Mumtoh · 19/01/2014 22:45

I wanted to leave my husband, and at a really tricky time (he was being made redundant) and so there was a fair amount of hostility at the beginning from his mum and dad. Eventually, over time, our relationship,has improved and is now fairly friendly, which I am very happy with as it makes for an easier life all round esp as DS would be caught in the middle. I have to say it's probably taken quite a lot from their side to do this, given how we split up so credit to them.

WidowWadman · 19/01/2014 23:17

My mum's first husband's dad always stayed in our lives and my parents are regularly in touch with my mum's ex's sister. My dad (who she married after her divorce actually gave a eulogy at my mum's ex's dad's funeral.

2anddone · 19/01/2014 23:29

H left 10 months ago and pil went NC straight away. We were together 20yrars and have 2dc. He chose to leave and yet they completely blanked me the one time I bumped into them (and yes they did see me!)
I dont mind about me its dc I feel sorry for they have been to see them 3 times in the last 10 months which is not great as they live less than 5 miles from my house and less than 1 mile from where h lives now

Flip