My DM (with whom I have had a turbulent relationship throughout life) is probably about to die.....

[PlumpPartridge]

...and I'm unsure how to feel about it.

DM is 58 and we thought she was in remission from breast cancer (had a mastectomy last April). She had to go into hospital on Dec 27th and since then it's come out that her cancer has now spread to the bone marrow and is, in the words of one doctor, 'rabid'. It's eating up her platelets and attacking other cells. No-one medical looks hopeful but my DF is clinging to hopes of some miracle.

This is where I start to hit mental roadblocks. She was really awful to me for large parts of my childhood (EA, occasionally PA) and has been sort of heavy-handedly trying to make amends for the past 10 years (I'm in my early thirties), so I'm not sure how I feel about the current situation. I am experiencing the physical symptoms of stress but am still fairly cheerful and able to cope. People keep on saying 'How ARE you?' and I feel guilty because I am fairly sure I should be more upset. As it is, I feel somehow like it would be inconsistent to be sad that that someone I previously hated is now dying.

DSis is closer to DM than I am and is visibly upset by the news. Still, even she (my DSis) commented to me as we were sitting around the table earlier: 'I always thought I'd be really happy to hear DM was dying. It's not as fun as I thought it would be.' Let me be clear: DSis is not finding it fun.

The awful thing is that I understand exactly what she meant by the original statement. I keep thinking that somewhere inside me, there's a happy teenager.

I'm not sure what I want from this post, just here to vent really.

Im sorry to hear your mothers cancer is terminal. And im ssorry to hear that she treated you terribly.

do you think it would help you to make some kind of peace with her before she dies. Would it help you to let go of what she did?

There is a similar situation in terms of my history with my mother. She is not ill currently but - given that she is in her late 80s - it is likely that over the next few years her health my deteriorate, perhaps seriously.

I don't think I could make my peace with her, unless she very explicitly acknowledged the mistakes she made.

However I do know that I would want her to have whatever medical treatment was required and to be well taken care of.

I did feel some emotion when my (even more difficult) father died of cancer some years back. But I think some of the emotion was more to do with seeing how aggressive an illness could be, and how rapidly someone could decline. I also felt some grief about the fact that I had never had a good relationship with him and his dying meant that any hope I had of this changing, would have to be relinquished.

You cannot know what you will feel. I think there can be a sense of loss even when a very inadequate parent who was not really loved, dies.

Your mother's behaviour in the past caused you to put up protective barriers to prevent more hurt. It's not surprising that the barriers prevent you feeling the "normal" amount of grief. Don't feel guilty about this - guilt is such a destructive emotion.

Only you know whether Blonde's suggestion about making peace with her is right for you.

FrauMoose - that's what I've heard can be so very hard in this situation. Their passing means you will never have a good relationship with them and you don't know how you're supposed to feel and act in the aftermath. My friend's largely estranged alcoholic father died fairly suddenly in his 50s and he reported that many people commented that 'it must be easier that you weren't close' but he thought it was harder.

My mum died in october after a year battling bowel cancer. Although we became closer as I got older, she was quite awful when I was young (much to do with her inability to communicate in a mature way with my father), she did the most stupid things like she got caught up in a bit of a religious cult, she used to scream she hated us and throw furniture around then she ultimately walked out.(this is just a brief outline to give a gist) Anyway my point is I dont really feel that guilty about how I feel about her passing away, sure its sad, its sad when anyone dies but I was over it within about two weeks (when we had the funeral), I didn't got to her internment, I haven't been to her place of rest and I haven't really thought about her. Its not anything repressed, I just dont really miss her and she doesn't come into my mind. I don't feel bad about it in any way.

*Interment

I am sorry.

I sometimes wonder how the Fuck I am going to react when my father goes so I can totally understand your confusion. I would say, just roll with it.

Tbh, I think I mourned the lost chances for a functional relationship with him a long time ago. Or at least I hope I have.

I've got all this to come. Dunno how Ill feel either. Maybe a massive sense of relief that it's all done and dusted. I think the main body of grief for the dad I wish I'd had was done when I chose to slip away. Re my mother, cutting contact was a relief. She had been very violent towards me. My problem will be, will my brother or sister ring to say they are very ill and asking for me, and then will I want to go or not, and if not, will I regret it. Mums net can await the thread...! I reckon your best bet op is to ride it as best you can, make your decisions in the moment and take it from there. I certainly get where you're coming from.

I think that the important thing to remember is that there is no 'right' way to feel. You will experience a range of feelings, both now and after her death, and because your relationship was more complex than some people's then the range of emotions you experience will be broader.

You may well take some comfort in the fact that she has tried to make amends, but you will also experience anger and sadness for what happened - and for what didn't happen - and other feelings which you will recognise as they arrive. However you feel, don't feel guilty about the feelings you have. There is a reason behind them - or many complex feelings - which you may want to unpack in your own time. When you do, your sister will probably welcome you talking it through, and of course MN is a found of good listening, and wisdom, and common experience. If things get tough, I can thoroughly recommend CRUSE, the bereavement counselling folk too.

HTH

My dad died of lung cancer very suddenly when he was 54 almost 20 years ago. I was in my 20's.

I hated my dad, he was emotionally abusive and I felt unloved by him all my life (my mum never stepped in to protect me so our relationship was difficult too.)

I really, really hoped he might say he loved me or that he was sorry before he died. Of course he didn't.

I felt some sadness when he died but ultimately I didn't care that much at first. I did struggle over the next few years to come to terms with never having a father that loved me and it did mess me up for a while.

My sister wasn't as much of a target as me so she grieved differently. She chose to "rewrite history" to a degree which was fine with me, I don't blame her, we're incredibly close.

Don't beat yourself up, whatever you feel is valid and your right to feel, if that makes sense.

The church (setting aside the cobblers about sex) has some good practices to follow whether you believe or not, and one of them is visiting the sick. Treat it, on the surface at least, as community service of a sort.

This is how I got through DM's last months. Whatever the history, she was now a frightened old lady. I held her hand, made light conversation, murmured assent to her requests for forgiveness, and exhibited a becoming solemnity.

Still unpacking the baggage she left me with, and I'll be at it until I die. I'm much luckier in the family I made, so life's much better than it might have been.

Un mumsnetty hug.

I agree with Disgrace

You have much to deal with. Your emotions will not be predictable. But acting charitable now will could give you a stronger basis for your future.

She cannot hurt you now. You might not feel compassion, but you can act in the ways that someone who was feeling that would do so. And then you will never, ever have any reproaches about your character and your capability to bear up in trying times. And that will strengthen you.

At least consider it in those terms. You might choose to reject that line of thinking. But again you will know why you have done so. And that will again leave you in the stronger position of a person in charge of her own destiny who thinks about decisions fom every angle and then makes the choice that meets her needs at the time a decision was needed.

It was not your choices nor hers, that you have to make choices when a clock is ticking and you do not have the luxury of time to let the right ourselves emerge whenit emerges. So think on what sort of person you want to be now, in terms of what you want to look back on.

Some serious support on this thread.

Thank you all for responding - it is really appreciated.

I think my approach will be mostly what Disgrace and scaevola have described. I don't feel like I'm losing a wise, solid rock of a mother figure but more like I should be kind to the scared old woman in the bed. Up until recently I have tried to give her credit for intelligence and more or less gently prod her into more logical patterns of thought, since she is the Queen of Irrationality. Me doing this has been a sort of compliment IMO - I've been trying to explain myself and get our relationship onto more of a mutual respect footing. But now she's ill and scared I have found myself thinking 'Why bother?' and just agree with whatever she says. This is sufficiently unlike me that she is probably terrified by the implications...... ho hum, can't win this 'being the bigger person' game

She is in solid denial about the fact that it's terminal and keeps talking about how they might let her go home at the weekend because she feels fine. This is totally self-generated and based on nothing any of the doctors have said. Since I am much more a 'find out the worst case scenario and then prepare for it' type of person myself, I'm finding it hard to communicate properly with someone whose head is so firmly in the sand. I guess I need to suck it up though.

I am visiting her this weekend (I live 200 miles away normally) and brought DS1 with me. His presence is useful because everyone cheers up a bit when he's about - he's 2.5, so totally immune to the 'you must wear sad face' social convention hurrah

Still, heading back home tomorrow and I'm unsure whether I will see her alive again after tomorrow morning. It's an odd way to feel, especially since I can't acknowledge it to her face without terrifying her.