Please help me deal with my anger :-(

[Wishyouwould]

I separated with my VA STXBH last year. I had been unhappy for a long time and was on Prozac for the last 2 years of the marriage. I came off it not long after we split up and was doing well and getting on with my life.

My STXBH has remained hostile and vile to me throughout the split, constantly starting arguments and twisting everything I say. I have been cut off by all his family and some of his friends. Fine, I have my own family and friends who have been so supportive but it's been really hard being painted as the baddy when he has been so cold and abusive to me. I admit that I am not perfect either but he will not accept that he needs help with his anger and his drinking habits.

I noticed a slight change for the better in him a few weeks before Xmas so wasn't surprised when he told me he has started dating. So why do I feel so angry? The thought of him on his best behaviour taking out someone else when he couldn't even ask me how my day was fills me with rage. I know I am well rid of him but this has really set me back. To make it worse his new GF and I have several mutual friends and I feel like I am the one being pushed to one side. He's told me I need to move on - easy to say when he's been so nasty and emotionally draining for the last 12 months. I am divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour - although he still doesn't see a problem in constantly telling me to shut up in front of the children Am I being too sensitive on that score?

The only thing that keeps me going are my wonderful DC. And now I have to face the fact that his new GF will be involved in their life at some point. I have never felt lower. I don't want to go back onto AD's and can't afford counselling but I feel like I'm at the bottom of a big black hole and can't stop crying.

It's hard, but it does get better with time IME. He isn't suddenly going to turn into a wonderful partner to the next woman, he's just on best behaviour for a while probably. Won't be able to keep it up I expect. Unless they address their issues, they will just go on to make the same mistakes I fear.

You're not being too sensitive re him telling you to shut up at all - you need to tell him that it's inappropriate to talk to you like that, again and again - like a broken record. He has no power over you anymore - he needs reminding of that.

As to the new GF - he may well temporarily change for her, but it won't last. She may well end up being the one needing your support. Try and think of her objectively - you say you have mutual friends; is she a nice person? Will she be kind to your DCs? Her being involved may not be a bad thing if she dilutes the wankerness of your Ex.

Talk to your GP about counselling - there may be some NHS counselling you could access. You've been through a hell of a rough time and it's no wonder you're feeling crap, but there is help out there.

Thank you for your replies.

I'm just exhausted with all the rows and nastiness. I've apologised if I've been in the wrong but he has never once said sorry for the way he's treated me and the abuse he's given to me, he is in total denial. I need to totally disengage from him but it's hard when you have DC and you need to discuss things.

She is a nice person and I'm sure that she will be kind to my DCs - so why does it feel like a knife through my heart?

Because this isn't what you thought your future would be like. You've had to make a massive readjustment - don't expect too much of yourself. However you're feeling - that's fine. But please try and get some help.

I don't want to go back on AD's. I went to see my GP last week as I've been unable to sleep. He gave me a weeks supply of Zopicione sleeping tablets as a short-term fix just so I could get some sleep. I was unable to go into work on Friday because I couldn't stop crying. I have amazing friends holding my hand but it just doesn't seem to be helping. I probably need to go back and see my GP.

It's still very early days for you Wish. Maybe counselling would help? I don't think my XH will ever be out of denial about his fuckwittery. I had thought I would feel better if I got some acknowledgement, but I don't think it would make much difference tbh. He would still be an a*e. Maybe you think he will be different with her (?) but I wouldn't hold my breath.

I generally discuss things about dd by email. Easier to disengage that way.

Thanks for your replies. I don't think it will be different with her in the long run. I know him and his ex-gf had an abusive relationship but he said she was the crazy one and me and everyone else believed him - not so sure now

I am seeing my best friend tomorrow night and someone in a similar position to me on Wed night while he has the DC so a chat/cry/coffee/chocolate with them will do me good and then I'll see how I feel.

Ah, the old, "She was mad, she was" excuse. Quite sure I am portrayed this way to the New Wife.... This will get better for you with time, I promise.

If he had a drinking problem you could try Al-Anon (support groups for anyone affected by a friend or relative's drinking). A lot of their philosophy is about detaching from anger-provoking situations, and how you can learn to feel better rather than losing your own equilibrium. Certainly helped me to stop being the crazy wife.

Just trust that in the end, he will be exactly the same with her as he was with you, that will for sure happen. Just keep focussing on rebuilding yourself and your life, and the truth will out in the end with mutual friends etc. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve someone better, and even if you have to be alone for a while, eventually you'll bump into that person. Know what you are aiming for and be patient, one step at a time. Have some faith in your ability to get yourself there and to do the right thing, to not be dragged down by the way you feel about him. Try to stay calm and visualise the future you want. I'm sorry you are hurting but it will pass, really it will. I wish you strength.

I wonder if the anger comes from the fact that you still want something from him? A real apology; a an acknowledgement that what he did was wrong; the years that have passed, magically transformed into the loving relationship you would have liked? And, really, you know that isn;t going to happen?

Also, there is always the thought: What if it was just me? Not him, but me. Look, he's going to be a decent person now - so what was wrong with me? Why wouldn't he do that for me?

All of the above is slightly off-kilter thinking. But I suspect it's pretty normal during/after bad relationships. I wonder if it's probably similar if you've had an emotionally abusive childhood? I think, at the back of it, there is this terrible sadness about the wrong that has been done to you, an experience that cannot be undone, and time that cannot be made right/brought back.

I read an interesting book that argued that "forgiveness" should be understood as an act of accepting a. you will not get an apology or things "put right" and b. that "vengeance" is unlikely and pointless. It was an interesting definition of "forgiveness"! But I do wonder if accepting those two things is a way forwards.

For what it's worth, I feel very angry sometimes, and I think this is the sort of stuff that drives my anger.

Good luck.

Wishyouwould!

"For the way he treated me the abuse... "

I do wonder how do they do that
How can you deny if you know that you did it!!...

They would never apologise!
Like nothing never bad happen!!!

Last time my ex after everything what happened...
He told me to have lovely day

I'm so sorry but I do wonder sometimes

What had happen with his memory
Can you really abuse someone and then
"Just wipe clean" your memory....

Thank you for your replies, they've really helped.

Yes catfromjapan I think you are right - I do want some kind of acknowledgement and apology but I know I'll never get one. Whenever I remind him of the things he said and did he just throws something back at me. For example how it used to bug him when I hung my bra on the back of the bedroom door - because you can really compare that to being called a c**t and coming home drunk and putting your fist through the wall

I was a SAHM to our DT before I started a job last year and I really believe that because he was the sole breadwinner he thought he could do and say whatever he wanted. I did everything in the house - he never ever offered to cook, not once - anyway there is no point in raking over it all, I know I need to move on.

What I'm most struggling with though is that my DC will be spending time with him and his GF - I know I need to accept and deal with it but I don't even know where to begin. Hopefully the anger will subside at some point?