Angry, tired and confused

[notasillysausage]

Hi,

I'm not sure why I am posting this. Firstly I guess I am wondering if I am in the wrong here or whether my H is being judgemental and insensitive.

To set the scene, we have a DS who is 11 mo, he is a gorgeous little boy but very full on, always on the go.

I find being a mother exhausting, he has only recently started sleeping well and I have just found out I'm still anaemic from pregnancy so taking iron tablets. H works 6 days a week and is back just in time for bed time on those days, one of them out of choice, the extra money is nice but we don't need it. So on a Sunday I take a back seat with my little boy as I think he needs time with his dad, although I do help with practicalities etc.

So last night we had friends round. I drank 2.5 glasses of wine. Much more than I am used to and I am suffering with it today. H wanted us to go out as a family to visit his grandma and sis, I would have loved to just stay at home and him and my DS go without me, when I suggested this h made me feel v selfish so I went along. In the car I felt like h was picking little fights with me, although I could have been being sensitive as I feel very rough. By the end of the journey h was still going on and DS was crying as he was hungry (we were nearly home at this point) and I snapped and raised my voice and said 'shush DS' although I'm ashamed to admit I nearly said shut up. I have never raised my voice with him before (this wasn't a full on shout btw and not sure DS even noticed) but h has been very much keeping DS away from me since like I am going to shout at him or hurt him. I would not do either, I love him more than anything and feel guilty for the raised voice earlier.

The point of this I guess is that DH is making me feel like a terrible mum for this momentary snapping, even though he says I am not. I am hurt and upset as I look after him mostly on my own and all the worry and hard work that entails and now it feels like DH has come in and questioned my abilities as a mother without appreciating how tough it is and how a break would be nice. Am I a bad mum? Was I in the wrong today? I have already apologised to DS and cuddled him even though I think he was oblivious, but do I need to say sorry to my DH? I feel so, so sad

Anyone who says they've never snapped a 'shut up!!!' when caring for a young child is probably lying. If your DH is keeping your DS away he may not be doing so as a comment on your mothering skills. He might just think you're a bit ratty and need a break. Why don't you talk to each other rather than making assumptions that could be all wrong?

Personally I don't feel you have anything to apologise for. I don't see why your DH couldn't have gone on his own to see his family. Out of interest, of the two of you who spent the most time looking after your DS while you were there?

Could it be worth having a chat with you DH, telling him how you feel and asking him to come home earlier in the evening?

Thanks for the reply. I tried talking to him before but he was having none of it. He has since got back in with DS and he is in a better mood and has said basically he was taking over DS while I got a rest and some food.

We are talking now but I can't shift this feeling he thinks I am a bad mum. He says not so it is my anxiety to move on from.

Thank you as well for the reassurance about my snapping, I feel terrible tbh but tend to beat myself up a bit too much over my mistakes so will try and just chalk it up to experience and not drink as much to prevent the hangover and inevitable grumpiness the next day!

Thanks uprising to give DH his dues he does the lion share of childcare on the Sunday and does so on our visits.

With regards to the work, I have had numerous discussions about the working on the sixth day at his second job but he is unwilling to give it up as it is to build towards a better future for us and for the extra cash, which is nice but not essential. Most of the time I do not mind, but when I have had a tough day and DS is cranky I do get a bit resentful, which I feel is unfair as it's not like he is off playing golf all day or something. Unfortunately he would not be able to finish earlier at his normal work.

Just as long as you keep talking rather than leaping to conclusions. As you say, you are your own worst critic, you seem to lack confidence and, because of this, when you make assumptions about what others are thinking and feeling, you tend to assume it's something unpleasant.

The only person who has used the phrase 'bad mum' here is you. You may have unrealistic expectations of what a good parent looks like. You may need more support (from DH or others) and you almost certainly need more breaks. If you've been anaemic for the thick end of a year, that won't be helping your fatigue levels... so keep on top of that.

But keep talking and, if you need something (like a DH there more days of the week) to maintain a good balance, you must demand it.

cogito thanks for posting, you have certainly struck a chord and given me a lot to think about.

DS is a much wanted baby after a few struggles with conceiving and I think I am so wrapped up in trying to make sure everything is perfect for him that any little mistake and I beat myself up to a disproportionate amount. If I am honest, I rely on my DH to rein in my negativity on myself so when today happened and he reacted in that way I saw it as confirming all my worries.

I definitely need to work on my confidence, being tired all the time certainly does not help, but I am working on that currently. I go back to work in a week to a job I am good at so hopefully that will give me a boost, although it brings it's own share of guilt with leaving my little boy, he is fiercely independent though so I hope he should adjust well.

Anyway, thank you again

The power of Mumsnet is that, if you read enough posts, you'll quickly work out that most if not all of us are just muddling through as parents. We all make mistakes and we're none of us perfect. Anyone insisting they know the 'right way' to be a parent is simply an insufferable git - and some of them get book deals but what can you do? The beauty of it all is that a) they love us anyway and b) they have wonderfully short memories for the first few years when we're most likely to cock it up badly. :)

So you can either blight this lovely time of your life by being down on yourself for every little thing that goes wrong or you can pour another (with the Alka Seltzers on stand-by), kick whatever self-righteous parenting manuals you bought into the nearest fire, congratulate yourself on being the best Mum your DS will ever have and enjoy the ride.

I highly recommend the latter.

you are right. Feeling much more positive this morning, despite a cheeky little monkey who decided that sleep is for losers!

Definitely going to make a determined effort to not be so down on myself and try and get a bit of 'me' back, instead of just being ds's mum.

Carving out even a little time to yourself is vital. Also very important to demonstrate to your DC that Mum is a whole person with interests of her own & not just a food, drink and hugs dispenser.

TBH if you were an unfit mother you would not care two hoots what anyone else said, (including hubbie )would you???

Muddling through is spot on

I have 2 teenagers and a 10 year old

I still sometimes feel like I haven't got a clue what I am doing.
I went through a stage of feeling guilty because I went back to work when they were little, and then felt like every moment I spent with them had to be "quality" time. And it wasn't. It can't be perfect all the time, life isn't perfect all the day.

I honestly think as long as your love your DCs, care about them, keep them safe and smile more than you cry, then you are doing good
And on the days when it all falls apart and everyone is screaming and there's no clean vests and you have to go to tesco and the baby woke 4 times in the night before getting up at 5am? All normal. And tomorrow will be a better day.

It may seem as if everyone else has got this parenting business all worked out. They haven't. They have the same worries, the same fears as you.

Clearly, you love your DC. Otherwise you wouldn't be so upset that you raised your voice a little. It's ok to need help and support though, no one will think anything bad about you as a parent for losing your temper just a little or getting frustrated every once in a while

Hi OP

I have a 2.5 year old little boy and a 10 week old baby girl and I too struggled with feelings of guilt and being super tired and overwhelmed with my little boy. Little boys on the most part are very full on and combined with a lack of sleep( huge sympathies) I'm suprised you haven't snapped at your DS earlier! It might have been an eye opener for your DH as to how tired you are which could be a good thing. What I have started doing is once a month, for me its the 1rst sunday, leaving the kids with my DH and going out on my own. To do something for myself. I treat myself to a massage, they have very good deals on groupon or the likes, usually I wouldn't spend the money but I've found that that massage/time out balances me out more than I ever thought. It's tough to lose all free time when kids come and you must demand a few hours back for yourself. For you and your kids! It's only. 3-4 hours a month but vital! Your DH I'm sure would understand :) all the best, you're not alone!!!