When does it stop???

[Twiggy71]

I have just recently divorced my ea exh I always had my doubts to why he originally. left two dc and myself. I have just found out that he had been having an affair and it had been going on for most. likely sometime before we separated.
That I can deal with its the fact that for five years he's. been lying about it and coming into my home as if nothing ever happened. I thought I was keeping everything. amicable for the dc but now realise. he was just trying to keep a hold on me (he's. always been very controlling).

So while he's been shagging ow for years and still been part of our lives with always the poor me stories and my dd coming home crying as her daddy is lonely, and trying to include him partly in our christmas's and me feeling sorry for him too.

Too now realise he was manipulating me now for a lot of years before we were separated and now for years afterwards I feel broken. I have recently been suffering with anxiety (reasons to do with work) and have suffered with depression for 20 years.
I have now told him he is never to step foot in my home again, the dc are old enough now to deal with him themselves. I always had a gut feeling there was someone in the background and he followed the cheaters script to a tee. He reduced me to nothing in the years before we separated being mentally abusive to me so I would tell him to go making it my fault the marriage ended..

I hope this isn't all to jumbled and makes some sense....but how do I fix myself and finally move on?

Well he has no power over you no more your divorced. You wasted enough time over this thug of a man to carry on now. Your a better, stronger person for getting rid and now rebuilding yourself.

I know how it feels to be rock bottom, lost, manipulated by someone who you thought different of. But there is just no point going over everything it doesn't get you nowhere. Find you, do some soul searching, do the things you always wanted to but couldn't. Inspire yourself, your worth it x

Just smile it makes a huge difference x

I think you've already taken the first step. You've realised he's manipulating you and ceased all contact now that the children are able to handle it themselves.

Your thinking will become clearer the less influence he has in your lives. I'd recommend carrying on dealing with your depression, trying something like the Freedom Programme or reading up more about EA relationships and affairs, and listening to your DC to make sure he doesn't try to transfer any of his manipulation onto them.

But you've taken the first step.

I think you've already started to fix yourself by taking control, taking the initiative & going no contact now that you realise what's been really going on. No experience is ever worthless & you can always learn something.

'Moving on' will not be linear, however. You're going to cycle through feelings of power, despair, self-reproach, anger, sadness, revenge ... everything basically... because it's one thing to have your heart-broken and quite another to be taken for a ride at the same time. You'll get flashbacks that make you stop in your tracks, slap yourself on your forehead and think... 'how did I not see that?'

Good luck.

Yes Cog I am going through every emotion again and boy is it painful.
Thanks str8ttothepoint, Dahlen and cog for your advice I was scared everyone would think just get over it!

I had 6 sessions of counselling and the lady suggested I do the freedom program but I always thought I'm alright now I'm not so sure...

Emotional abuse depends on making the victim believe they are to blame. The tactics bring the victim so low that all they can think is 'what have I done wrong?' and 'how do I keep him happy?' It's very destructive because, once that pattern has been established, as you've discovered, it can carry on way after the relationship has officially ended. Anxiety, depression and so forth is common if you believe you are not in control.

But, in your case, I think things have changed 180 degrees with this new information. It will be painful all over again as you see things with fresh eyes, but the big difference now is that you fully blame him and only him for everything that happened. That puts you in control for the first time and that's very important in the 'moving on' stakes. You may benefit from the Freedom Programme but I think you'll find that this new perspective gives you fresh energy. 'Fury' is a very constructive emotion.

That's very true Cog I do finally see he is to blame and I feel relief that I don't. ever have to see or talk to him ever again. I've taken the blame for the ending of our relationship for five years but no more.

Maybe in a way it has taken this to have happened for me to finally move on with my life once and for all.

Many thanks for your wise advice....x