Pls support my friend with abusive STBXH (long)

[soovait]

Regular lurker, irregular poster, here.

I told my friend I’d post this for her as she’s not quite brave enough to do that (yet).

My friend was with her ex for ten years, married eight. Her STBXH is all kinds of abusive – emotionally, physically (hits walls and doors, never her), and extremely financially abusive. She finally managed to leave him 18 months ago (after a couple of disastrous counselling sessions).

With therapy, she’s slowly accepting that he is abusive. Before she left she thought it was her that was the problem.

She moved out of their family home with their two DC (he wouldn’t leave) and has finally managed to find a place to live. The EA and FA have continued since she left. He hasn’t paid any child support in over a year, and he and his wealthy DPs have been trying to browbeat her into accepting a settlement for less than one-fifth of the value of the family home as well as an agreement not to ask for child support.

She was advised by her first solicitor to go to mediation, which of course was hideous as she’s terrified of him, and any time she objected to something STBXH wanted, he threatened her with court and reminded her she wouldn’t be able to afford to fight him (in front of the mediator).

My friend’s financial situation is now critical. She can only afford to stay in her flat for at most 3 more months. She got another solicitor, one who also had no idea about abusive relationships, and has turned out to be worse than useless, too.

After this latest let down from her solicitor, I finally convinced my friend to call women’s aid, who told her that she shouldn’t have gone to mediation and have given her details of a solicitor who specialises in these cases as well as links to Rights of Women.

My friend is hopefully now going to get some proper, sound legal advice that will help her get what she is entitled to. What she needs now is to know that she is not alone - this is where MN can hopefully come in.

She knows I and her real friends support her, but I think she needs to hear it from those outside the situation that others have been through this and have – even if it’s eventually - come out the other side in one piece.

Additional info: He has the DC two nights a week and every other weekend. On his contact weekends, he’ll usually drive over 100 miles to his DPs’ place so he can leave the DC and his new GF’s DS with his parents and go out with his GF. (I’ve told my friend there is nothing she can do about this so she should put it out of her head).

Apologies for the length, there is more, but this is the bare bones of it. I’ll show her this thread, just so she knows the support is there and hopefully she’ll be able to post herself.

Thanks in advance.

I hope your friend gets all the help she needs and really sticks it to her ex. He can threaten court all he likes but he can't get away with not paying for his kids, the fool.

Why hasnt she started a CSA claim?

She's not alone. No matter how much money her XH has he doesn't have the right to withhold maintenance or equity from the house. Hopefully a decent solicitor will understand this and help her properly. And CSA claim needs to be made pronto.

Thanks for your replies.

She hasn't started a CSA claim for several reasons:

1. he's self-employed so his income is on paper very low. But he is funded by his parents.
2. Only when they separated and he had to reveal his finances did she find out that while her mum had been paying for her haircuts and she'd been scrimping to buy food and pay for the kids' clothes, he'd had thousands given to him every week by his parents.
3. Her first solicitor advised her that they could sort it out in mediation without the need for CSA.
4. She genuinely thought it would all be sorted in mediation.

Plus she's been so terrified of him for a long time, she still finds it hard to go against him, IYSWIM.

I'm really hoping the solicitor she sees through women's aid will tell her to start a CSA claim as his lifestyle certainly doesn't fit with his stated income.

Thanks again for the replies.

She needs a good solicitor. Mine got me the house in its entirety. He got nothing. I had to do without spousal support because of it, but the CSA stepped in and clawed money off him for our son, although it was reduced to £14 per month when ExH realised how to manipulate his wages and I suppose his employers were complicit in this.

Women's Aid will direct her to a good family solicitor. Tell not to cave in to any of his demands. When she gets her solicitor sorted all communication MUST be through him/her.

HTH

As soon as she gets the right solicitor things will fall into place.Tell her to focus on her DC and remember that what she's fighting for is for her children's future!
She will find the strength from somewhere and as above,once communication is through solicitors she will find she can say things she wouldn't say to him.
I hope she gets what she deserves and she's lucky to have a friend who cares like you.

Thanks, Teeny and haveyourself I will pass those messages on to her. I'm sure she'll find comfort in the fact that she's not alone and that a good solicitor will help her properly.