on the sofa tonight, huge row, he spent my xmas present money...

[poorfoxyloxy]

so my partner and I had huge row tonight... were going to go out, I was short of cash, so said, just pull £30 out of the £300 he had set aside for my Christmas present... I got him something, he never bought me anything, was undecided, was going to get me an ipad mini, but as it's a bit small I was going to add in the rest and get a full sized one... so was waiting until I had an extra £150 to put into the pot to get a full sized ipad. But, tonight when I suggested pulling the £30 out, he said there's no money left it's been spent on this that and the other. I was really upset. He got angry at me because "you know how money just goes" but if I earmark some money for something, it sits in the tin and doesn't get touched, I go without whatever so that I can save... he obviously doesn't. But now row has escalated into full blown shouting, which doesn't happen very often, but I don't like being shouted at, who does eh? Being made to feel like it's my fault and then I think, it's just money and a material thing.. ugh.

That's shit.
I'm not wise enough to advise on the relationship aspect. Bit I'm sure someone will be along soon.

(But iPad mini is IMHO better then the full size. )

I bought my wife a kindle, some jewellery and took her ski-ing for a week. She gave me ...... a cook book that we'd bought as an emergency present to give if someone turned up and we'd forgotten to get them something .

But it doesn't matter as she works hard and I love her to bits, is an iPad really worth a screaming match and sleeping on the sofa over ??

How does he treat you normally, day in day out ? maybe telling him calmly how let down you felt may have been a better way.

IMHO he still scores high on the cock-o-meter though

He thinks what's yours is really his, he didn't even run it past you first , then, he got annoyed with you that you were upset, so totally invalidating your perfectly natural reaction to be upset. Then he shouts at you to get you to shut up about it ?? That's a pretty effective way to prevent you from ever verbalising your needs, your voice! you drew a line tonight, or tried to. His response? to get pissed off with you and shout at you.

Yes, I'd be pissed off. What 'this, that and the other' did he spend the money on?
When are you getting your ipad? :(

To be honest I would be more worried about why he needed to use your money - has he got debts that you don't know about, could he be gambling? £300 doesn't just go on 'this and that' in the space of 3 weeks unless you don't have money for food and bills.

I would ask him to write down everything he has spent that money on (as far as he can remember)

Howbad has it. I'd be asking where the money has gone & about hidden debt or habits (eg porn downloads, gambling addiction). That's a lot of money to fritter away when its already committed elsewhere. Or perhaps he never had the money set aside & was going to put your xmas ipad on his credit card. Worrying that he can't even come up with £30 though.

He put the money aside. So it was for the op.

Then he spent it.

That's more than rude.

Take his presents away. Maybe that will give him the message.

However keeping money in a tin seems a bit - what happens if you'd had a break in? Or he could have at least got you a voucher.

Is this about
~money and poor budgeting
~lack of Christmas present
~the row

its just shite, feeling crap because I got all whiney about no christmas present, but I could actually care less about the damn ipad, it's the fact he said that's what he was doing then spent the money, he doesn't have a credit card and we're pretty much skint, so not sure where it all went but now he says he only had £200 set aside.... ffs and all along he could have said "i had to use some of that money for xxx" and right now I'm guessing a fair amount was spent at the pub, now that I think about it. . grrrr what a fuckwit. not a happy bunny.

What's your relationship like generally? Is he considerate mostly? Do you have similar approaches to financial management?

I'm guessing not, since the comment "I'm guessing a fair amount was spent at the pub" is quite revealing. Especially in conjunction with "I got him something, he never bought me anything, was undecided..."

Some couples don't buy for each other at Christmas. That's fine if its by mutual agreement. It's also not about the value, it's about the effort. A single-stem of a favourite flower is worth more than a £50 off-the-shelf bouquet because it shows you've been listened to and your preferences remembered.

In your shoes I'd be livid, and while I'm sure others will say it's a complete over-reaction, I'd be considering LTB. Same goes for you manaboutthemaison.

I love my DP. Next to my DC, I spend more thought on his presents than I do on any other person's because I get a real kick out of making him feel loved. It would be better to say "let's not do presents this year" than it is to make such a half-hearted effort is basically like sticking two fingers up to you.

I would be furious! He couldn't get you a Christmas present, then spent the money set aside for your present on himself, then gets angry at you!
Sounds like a selfish, childish twat to me.
It's so disrespectful I can see why you are upset.
He better find a way to make amends IMO and next time bank/hide the money!

That's shit, poorfoxyloxy. How dare he? And how dare he make it your fault?

Dahlen I think you just summed it up perfectly!
Yes! It is two fingers up to you

That's pretty mean of him.
And to make to your fault just makes it all worse, that said I know how money does just get used, my birthday is just before Christmas and my Mum always used to give me £50 and make a point of saying I was to spend it on me......the reality was that it was just before Christmas and it always got spent on Christmas.

There are several red flags here aren't there? Firstly he used money 'put aside for your present' to spend himself without even asking. Once he had told you the money was for a present it became your money not his so he can't use it without permission.
I would also be very worried about the escalation of the row. Everyone has rows and they can get very heated but he was in the wrong from the start and he should have apologised not tried to blame you.
How is he behaving towards you after the row?

sheepish at the moment... all a bit quiet at the moment....

he also knows if he touched me he would be out the door in a millisecond, I went through a physically abusive relationship in the past and won't go there again. That is why the shouting bothers me so much, I just kept repeating, don't shout at me and stop being aggressive!

Not good. Unfair to promise someone a present, then call them materialistic when they are disappointed for not getting it and there being no prospect of them getting it!

Take back his presents, return/Ebay them an get put the money towards your iPad.

Then tell him to get lost.

"Get put"?

Put! Damn onehanded typing....

OP: That is so mean of him.
He cares more about going to the pub than he does about you.
He loves himself more than he loves you.

If money is tight then he shouldn't be going to the pub.

It hasn't taken him long to spend a lot of money.

Best wishes to you.

What do you get out of a relationship with such a person?. What needs of yours are being met here by him?.

I think poorfoxy that you have actually left one abusive relationship only to now have another abusive one albeit of a different type but abusive all the same. He does not have to hit you to be abusive.

He likely will be quiet until the next time.

Did you ever do Womens Aid Freedom Programme?. If you did not I think you need to consider doing this now.

OP: I have no idea what Manaboutthemaison is on, but maybe he drinks with your DP.