Am I being totally out of order???

[Lookingforabetteryear]

So am pregnant. Partner and I have had a tough time with our relationship in Pregancy- some ea abusive from him (he wouldn't call it this). Anyway we are both in debt and have huge amounts more of friends and family support in a different area of the uk. He said he would think about moving but today has said he never will leave. Living in our current location means never saving much money, always renting and huge childcare costs. He said he does not want to leave his family/friends and job. He also has a son in the area- but his ex is most probably going to move away too with his son-so he would have to commute for access anyway. Let me know what you think please!!!I have few friends and no family in area.

I don't think he is being unreasonable to want to stay where he has friends, family and a job. I do think you are being unreasonable to stay in a relationship with an emotionally abusive man who is not committed to your relationship.

Even when financially we would be better off somewhere else and he could get a job elsewhere? Maybe I am yes. True about the ea.

Just to also add- his family are not supportive whereas mine want to help with childcare/ general support

You both want the same thing - your friends and family around (the fact that yours will help with childcare seems to not be important to him, while the fact that his job is here seems to not matter so much to you). So, yes, I don't think he is being unreasonable to want to stay.
But I think you're focusing on the wrong things here. Is this a good relationship for you, for him, for your child? You don't sound like you're a couple planning and living a life together. And the EA aspect is just horrific, from my point of view.

Doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks does it? It's rarely a case of right and wrong, but two people with a difference of opinion and who need to reach a compromise they're both happy with if they're to carry on functioning as a couple. What kind of things does he do that make you think he is emotionally abusive?

Various things- listing my past mistakes, shouting, swearing, hating many of my friends, lecturing me and at times ignoring me- he is and has made improvents. Maybe I'm just being selfish wanting him to move I just can't see how renting and not owning and baby not having an extended family is not more important than his opinion but of course I'd think that I suppose!!

Your opinion is as valid as his. Whatever improvements he's made to the appalling behaviour you describe, clearly one of them is not taking your views seriously.... Think carefully about who is being selfish here. I don't think it's you.

Very true. I do hope he sees that our wants and needs are not what are important but what's best for baby.

Hoping gets you nowhere.... If you really want this to happen, you're going to have to find some leverage.

Yeah your right actually. Sometimes life may be easier alone.

I think there is a problem in the thinking of "what's best for the baby."

You can think that but he can't. He has to think what's the best for both of his children. Depending on where his ex moves, it will change how often he sees his son. If he moves further away, it will drastically cut his contact time more.

His reasons for moving are just as valid as yours.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, firstly.

Why is your current location stopping you from buying property, saving money etc? Surely you can do these things wherever you are?

If you want to stay with him (although I would highly recommend re-evaluating your relationship - do you really want to be with someone who treats you this way?) Then you need to find a compromise where you are both happy.

Is his ex likely to move even further away from where you want to be? It might be that she moves closer to that area in which case your DP might be more inclined to move too.

You can't force him to go anywhere, it has to be a mutual decision, otherwise he'll just resent you and the situation, and your relationship will fall apart.
And if you stay where you are, you'll resent him for it.

So you've got to meet in the middle, or make a decision over wether you want to move by yourself to be closer to your family.

If you're not on the same page and neither of you will budge, I doubt this relationship will work out, frankly.

I'd honestly forget about the joint move.
If he's been a little EA in the past, it's highly likely that he'll be very EA once you have the baby.
So, I'd arrange to live where I'd have support should I want to leave him and for the child.

Can't save as it much much more expensive and house prices are huge. Ex would be taking his child overseas so not
Important regards that as it'd be him getting a plane anyway. Advice appreciated thank you.