Why do I need to be needed so much?

[Ikeameatballs]

I've been thing about this a lot today.

I have had two v serious v long term relationships both of whom were with men who for quite different reasons were v needy and who I in some way felt an obligation to care for. In the second of these I also felt like I wasn't really loved or valued for anything other than this for some years prior to the split.

I then recently met another guy for what we both initially said was a casual fling but v quickly he revealed a lot of vulnerabilities about himself. I have ended it as I felt that I was at huge risk of repeating the pattern of my previous relationships but it has made me think why I get into this? Why do I need this so much? I still feel v drawn to the guy I have just ended it with even though I really know it will do me no good.

Has anyone else been in this pattern and managed to break it?

Thinking not thing

Well done for recognising the pattern and breaking it.

Have you read anything on the subject of codependency?

No, I haven't. Will have a look.

Oh my.

I literally just googled and read about myself. My first long term partner had eating issues and social phobias, my second had alcohol issues and depression and this most recent guy had previous alcohol issues (now sober for several years) and some depression.

Today I have cried about splitting up with the last guy because I was so upset that I had upset him.

I really need to stop doing this.

Do you feel valued as a person outside of your relationships? Have a fulfilling job, friends, kids or something else that gives you a sense of purpose & responsibility in your life? Do people generally take you seriously? Are you happy in your skin?

It's not wrong to love and care for someone at all. The 'injured puppy' can be tough to walk past and some people make a very good career out of fixing others. It's only a problem if you place other people's needs above your own because then your kindness can be manipulated and exploited.

Try reading Women who love too much by Robyn Norwood

I have v busy job in a caring profession! I feel really valued by my colleagues. I have great kids and friends.

I really need a relationship that us reasonably simple and where I don't feel responsible for the other adult.

Keep positive OP, you've recognised something you want to change and are prepared to do something about it. A lot of people don't make it to that stage.

Lots of things online to get you started eg:

m.dummies.com/how-to/content/codependency-for-dummies-cheat-sheet.html

And you may decide to have some counselling.

How much of your adult life have you spent single and how long typically between relationships?

I have never really been single. The longest was splitting from lt ex in Feb 2013 and I've had a few dates since then, then met this guy recently.

I think that you're in a caring profession is no coincidence. That you're strong and capable will be like a beacon to those who lack the same qualities. That you're empathetic ditto. Having had similar problems in the past myself I now totally avoid anyone with 'issues'. :) Harden your heart and hold out for someone who wants to look after you instead. That'll be a far more even match.

Thanks Cogito, I know that that's what I need to do.

I just feel like a complete bitch for prioritising myself over someone I like but have known for a month! I just can't get me head around the idea that it doesn't matter what he thinks of me and that I can't put him being upset ahead of my own well being.

I have a mental list of who I would and wouldn't go on a first/second date with.

This includes things like - must be divorced (ie not just separated), no ex-related issues, don't tell me all their 'probiems' (over sharing/inappropriate at early stage) etc etc.

Do a little more delving next time but right now I think you would benefit from some time alone.

If you can't get your head around those two facts then you must stay completely out of the dating game. It's what I meant originally about whether you felt valued as a person and happy in your skin. If you consistently put others ahead of yourself, the answer can only be 'no'.

I have surprised myself with how upset I have felt about ending it with this guy. I only wanted something casual because I just didn't feel emotionally ready for something more. He clearly quickly wanted more than that and this has confirmed for me that I just can't deal with any relationship right now. It's just triggered all the emotions I had about splitting up with previous partners. I really need to get myself stronger.

Co-dependency. Psychotherapy can help unpick this and put better patterns in place.

I found the book on TA today really helpful. It's about transactional analysis and looks at how we create relationships with other people and how we can be drawn into the same patterns again and again.

That book gave me a lot if insight which helped me to start getting into the driving seat of my own life. It's a useful process. Good luck!

Credit to you for recognising this now. Now you need to break the patterns that you learnt. Co-dependency is usually rooted in childhood.

Characteristics of codependency may include:

•Consistently focusing on others needs even at your own expense.
•Being unable to receive help from others; feeling uneasy when others focus their attention on you.
•An sense of self based entirely on being a "helper.”
•Much of your time and energy spent taking care of someone who abuses drugs or alcohol.
•Unable to be alone or not in an intimate relationship.
•Feeling responsible anytime someone close to you suffers.
•Seeming very competent on the outside but actually feeling quite needy, helpless, or numb.
•Having experienced abuse or emotional neglect as a child, or having grown up with an addicted or alcoholic parent or parent.
•Rarely expressing your true thoughts, needs or feelings because you fear they would displease others, and perhaps taking pride in this fact.

I would also suggest you start reading Codependent No More written by Melodie Beattie.

Gosh I've just been reading this and I also think this is me. I constantly worry about 'what people will think' and find it hard to express real emotions. I was with my exh for 23 yrs and spent much of the last 5 yrs trying to look after him as he lurched from one depression to another. He had a lot of issues and withdrew completely from me but I couldn't see that he didn't love me so carried on trying to change him back. I found it almost impossible to break up with him but we finally did and my eyes have been opened.

Is there any other reading about this anyone can recommend please?

I keep being tempted to message this guy to explain myself better.

That wouldn't be the right thing to do would it? I really have no idea, keep thinking that it would make me feel better but then realising that it would only make me feel better because I would be trying to make him feel better.......

I tick so many of Attila's list.

I didn't have an addicted parent but I do remember having a difficult childhood relationship with my mum and feeling unloved. We get on fine now I'm an adult and I now have no doubt of her or my dad's love for me.

I think that work doesn't help. I was attracted to a caring profession but I think it has just driven me more and escalated my helping behaviours in my personal life. I try v hard every day to help and never upset people. I can't change my career.