Just need someone to talk to

[Mrswellyboot]

I have posted about this before but I have a terrible relationship with my mother though I know I take stuff to heart and another person would laugh her off.

Anyway a friend of mine and I have drifted apart. We never had much in common but met up now and then. She gets very down and has a tendency to criticise too. She knows about how difficult my relationship is with my mother. From time to time i have had to go NC but it breaks my heart.

I have a new baby and she got into bad humour with me because I asked her to wait a few days before visiting. I suppose I have been distancing myself, I find her so negative.

I didn't meet up friend over Christmas as she couldn't make the date and she rang the following week one afternoon but we had a meal booked. So what did she do only called to my mother with the present and now rings my mother to talk about me and what is wrong with me. She rang her again last night. I'm so angry with her. Now mum is on and on at me that I am in the wrong.

I can't tell my mother that the most important person (mother) in my life criticises me and I have had to deal with this my whole life and I don't need supposed friends to do this too.

I am going to have to ignore her because if I meet up with her I have so much shit to listen to.

I feel so bad as I should have stopped her (friend) in her tracks all the time she was nasty but let it build up over the years.

I don't know what I hope to gain from posting.

Friends ! What a joke. That woman was no friend to you.

No she won't apologise, she has cried both times I have pulled her up on things and rants n about never hurting a fly and her family are good people with a good reputation

I feel better today for sending the note as I haven't said anything hurtful. I don't know what is gong to happen now. I also have a sneaky suspicion tht she was speaking to my boss as they visited me lately (I am on ML) and that isn't standard practise. Luckily I know my boss years and she knows I am happy so if friend said I am not well etc boss wouldn't take my notice. The more I think about her, the better off I am without her.

It's almost good that you don't expect an apology (or are likely to ask for one) as it saves you the bother of having to explain it's gone beyond mending.

I'd be slightly more concerned that you think she may have spoken with your boss. Not because he is likely to act on it, but because she thinks that trying to manipulate your life (both your parents and your boss for heaven's sake) is hers to do. Can you get any proof of the boss thing? Because if you can, and one more untoward event occurs due to her I would be thinking about calling it harassment and talking with the police. It sounds a bit twisted to me.

Why would you need to cry over a reputation if you didn't have need of it to hide behind. A reputation is a belief not a shield, and one which should be based on action not demand. The more you tell me the more dodgy it sounds.

I can't prove the boss thing and after going to my mum I thought it a big coincidence, It wouldn't be a shock to me if she did go to my boss saying week boot is so quiet I am worried about her. It doesn't annoy me as much as it should be use the boss knows I am stable and often comments on it that I am genuine and positive ,so if nothing it would make friend look odd as she said she had never seem me so happy.

I am relieved now.
I am lucky I have a very nice mil who is more like a friend.

I will let you know what happens now. I think she will contact me with 'oh you misread me ' balh blah. I will then say I don't feel comfortable now and don't want any and feelings but I can't be myself.

I know it all seems petty to anyone else reading.

Not petty at all Welly. A friend of mine hurt me very badly by criticising my parenting and threatening to do exactly the opposite if my DCs were with her. Nothing dangerous to them physically but I considered it dangerous to their belief in themselves as individuals. It was someone to whom I have previously been close but I couldn't bring myself to spend time with for years after that. We eventually patched things up, with a the help of a very sensitive mutual friend, but even now it's not quite the same and never will be.

Your situation wrapped up with other interfering is absolutely enough to set off some very deep feelings.

Had it occurred to you that your boss might be more of a friend than you think and just wanted to see you and little one?

Hello homebird, hope you had a good weekend. No word yet, think you're right that my boss was just being nice.

I have a feeling that, like you, things might be patched up ith friend in the future but not now. Do you think relationships with mums affect friendships? A little bit of me does. I think I am too sensitive sometimes and can't take criticism but I know criticism or honesty is helpful. I just feel I don't need it from a friend.

I think my relationship with my DM affected my friendships in two ways.

She didn't value friends because they 'weren't family'. Anything family came first and that meant that I had a friend home from school maybe 3 or 4 times in 6 years of secondary school. This doesn't help to build friendships. Didn't really have any that weren't family friends until 6th form when I made some that are lifelong friends who I can still really on. It helped a lot that one in particular had fantastic parents who gently helped me to see that they were surprised at the way my DM operated even feeding me on occasion when DM had put a very underweight me on a diet because we always did things as a family and the others needed to lose weight (in her opinion). It was only possible for me to make these friends because I had learned to drive and occasionally was allowed to borrow DM's car.

The second reason was that I have always allowed people, friends included, to treat me like DM. I often cave to what others want (even DH) because it doesn't occur to me that my desires are a valid reason to do something. DH would be horrified if I told him that. There is no way he would want to go ahead with things that we weren't both happy about. More unscrupulous people have taken advantage of my 'friendship' and my inability to express negative emotions (like anger, or distaste, or feeling put upon).

Oops, where did that come from. perhaps I do need that counsellor.

Glad you think your boss was just being friendly. Perhaps she might become a real friend. Why don't you plan to take LO into work in a few weeks and see whether she is keen to see you then?

Have you heard anything from your friend? The presents were due to arrive yesterday weren't they?

Oh homebird, you have been through a lot but also sound like you have a great dh and friends. I hope whatever things you want to achieve happen now with your great support.

I have to say councelling could really help, maybe one with cognitive behaviour training.

Well I heard from friend to thank for gifts, she said she didn't 'talk about me' to my mother. She clearly did as she not only dropped off gifts but rang her at another stage. She said I wasn't the friend she thought I was and its all a mystery.

I am going to leave it at that. It's been brewing for years so its unfair of me to just blame the way she was to me when I asked for a few days until i established bf in hospital and recovered from section or that I a merely annoyed with her over talking to my mother. I know she is a good person but I can't deal with her negative moods. If would be ok if there was balance and a laugh the odd time but its all negative and critical.

I am actually relieved and have other friendships that could develop with people who are more supportive. I know it's all come as a shock to her as I let her say stuff to me all the time. Dm knows and I am sure I will get a 'you're selfish' comment in the future but I can deal with it.

So at least you're agreed. You're not the friend she thought, because she can't try to make herself feel better by putting you down and making you feel that you must do as she says. She's not the friend you hoped she might be, because there's no flip side to her negativity and no fun or support or understanding.

Ignore DM. It's not selfish to consider yourself as part of the balance that is a friendship. If you don't there is no true friendship. You're a human being not a service robot.

Glad you've other friends who will enjoy your company. Time to start investing a little more in them and being happy with your little one in a supportive environment.

Homebird, you have no idea how nice it has been to have you listen. I am happy on myself, I still feel a bit guilty but think everything ended fairly respectfully.

Beautifully handled MrsW

You're a sweetheart, have a good weekend