Chemistry - emmotional/sexual attraction - what part does it really play?

[ChangedMyMind]

Back story I have had 2 long term live in partners for both of whom I had a very very strong "chemistry" very early on - an incredibly strong emotional connection which played it's part for me in the sexual attraction and "infatuation".

Sadly both of these relationships ended up with me being very lonely and unhappy because I subconsciously recreated my childhood dynamic of zero emotional support - they are introverts which just dragged me down as I'm actually very sociable but often lack confidence. I suffer from depression, as did both of them.

Someone who has been a mate for over 3 years recently confessed they really really fancy me, and have for quite a while - I was oblivious which they realised. Was very upset when he told me. He is not someone I have confided in about non-work/personal stuff so no emotional connection for me. But it has got me thinking.

If I decide to date/pursue a relationship with anyone in the future do I actually need to avoid men that I have this incredibly strong emotional attraction to because I am so strongly attracted to people who are emotionally unhealthy to me? Would I actually be better off with someone who identifies far less with how I feel, and me with them but they are emotionally healthier, calmer, more extrovert and more sociable than people I have chosen in the past.

Sorry if this seems a silly question but it's only just struck me how much I enjoy my mate's company but I don't "fancy" him - it just struck me that actually for me that is quite possibly a good thing and I would be better off dating someone like that and then seeing what happened for me feelings wise. I am not planning on dating my mate though it was more the general principle!

I find my own emotions very difficult to work out and understand so I'd appreciate thoughts from others.

I hope someone can answer. I too had great chemistry with those I've had the hardest relationship with. I seem to be attracted to damaged people without knowing. I wonder if working on the reasons why might affect who I fancy? Not that, right now, I want another man as long as I live!

LOL

My current plan is to spend time completely on my own and single.

It's just so odd as mate and I have properly talked about emotional stuff - I burst into tears when he told me so it did open the door to having some pretty frank discussions about life and stuff. So although I've been emotionally open with him, still no chemistry. Very very odd for me. Don't understand it all but has really got me thinking!

I'd be a lot more optimistic. I think you can have both. In fact, I think it's essential to have both but that there has to be balance and it may not happen in the same order you normally experience it. Where I think you may have gone wrong in the past is that you wanted these introverted (difficult? miserable?) types to like you. Whether that's because you like a challenge or because you lack confidence or you see something in them you recognise, I don't know. Did these introverted men pursue you or was it the other way around? Being pursued is very flattering and exciting nut if you're the pursuer, there's also the thrill of the chase. Neither situation is ideal for clear thinking :)

Whereas someone like your friend, who likes you for you when you're not making some special effort and who has the decency to respect your boundaries... that's a lot better foundation for a relationship. So that's my basis for optimism. You've already experienced what infatuation feels and looks like. I think you're learning from your friend what real love looks and feels like. All you need to add is a slight frisson of sexual chemistry to the latter and you have a potentially great experience.

LOL

The attraction with my previous relationships was mutual - I think both parties "need to be needed", "need someone who understands the experience of deep pain", "needed a very intense exclusive relationship", "not able to get emotional support from a range of friends/family/people".

So basically not emotionally healthy for either party!

The attraction may have been mutual but who made the first move? It's fairly important because if a 'drag down introvert' seeks you out, chances it's because they eventually want to drag you down. Whereas if you were making the first move I'd say it's because you saw them as a challenge.

OMG, I can't remember with the first one! Not sure about the 2nd...

I would say they both liked my extrovertness but if I'm unwell (have suffered with depression a loooooooooooong time) that is what disappears as I completely withdraw. I def met my 2nd when I was vulnerable and needed/wanted looking after - of course in the long term he couldn't because he needs more/as much "looking" after emotionally as I do - I am certainly more emotionally mature than him, didn't realise that at the time though.

So wrong on lots of levels meaning the set-up is rather more complex than just pinning it on the infatuation aspect in isolation? Yet more reason for optimism.... also more reason to make sure you're happy in your own skin before you entertain the idea of letting someone else get under it.

Exactly Cogito, I'm not sure I mean infatuation - that's more because my mate has said he's had a crush on me but I'm not sure if he's just found me more attractive the more he's got to know me. I knew he thought I was attractive, not that it had become more than that in the last year.

Definitely going to purposely stay single for quite some time. I'm just a bit freaked that someone can like me so much, and I enjoy their company but just don't "fancy" them, because they're "not my type# but "my type" is actually very destructive for me. Somehow I need to find different qualities attractive, rather than desperately wanting some incredibly deep emotional connection?

I mean he may actually be emotionally mature enough to be good for me rather than running away the first time I'm upset...

I just wanted to discuss all these thoughts anonymously, try and get my head around such huge shifts that are going on in my life.

I suspect your 'mate' always had a crush on you tbh. When we're talking old friends from way back, maybe not so much, but making new friends with adults of the opposite gender always has the potential that one or other of those involved is motivated by sex. They want to be a slow burner, gain your trust etc. You and the last boyfriend split up, your 'friend' who has held a candle for you for years makes himself the shoulder to cry on (literally in your case) and uses the opportunity of you being vulnerable to take a chance, albeit in a respectful way. It's a pretty classic situation really.

Thing is, now he's declared himself, is it possible to go back to how things were or is there always going to be that elephant in the room?

I'm not sure. He's not been more shoulder to cry on, I suppose I just filled him in on the back story and explained he hadn't offended me. He had had much much more to drink than he would usually have in my company and at the time he had no idea I was single again.

I would miss our mutual griping about certain people at work, I would have just preferred it if he'd liked me for who I am rather than fancying me. I was pretty gutted that he told me and he doesn't regret and has apologised profusely Fortunately we can both see the funny side of it and I keep telling him to get over it!

Looking back I have been able to notice when he started being different - him initiating meeting up more frequently. He used to work with such a bunch of witches it was hideous, and my work team weren't that much better.

I just find it odd because he's different to anyone else, I certainly don't have a history of men beating down the door to go out with me.