Will this ever be ok?

[Thecircle]

I feel this be a rant, I'm sorry.

I've posted under other names about leaving ex, subsequent emotional abuse post split and then going to court re access arrangements for ds, 3.

No order was made at court but ex agreed to my suggested 'rota' of 2x hrs on a wed tea time and 24 hrs each weekend on alternating nights.

There was no contact between us but as ex calmed we were able to talk, with ex agreeing to undertake a promise at court to no longer harass or verbally abuse me.

Ds cries at almost every handover, whether that be direct between me and his dad or via a third party. He's beginning to get quite distressed. He has recently stopped his day time naps and is quite ratty and tired of an evening anyway and this does seem to exacerbate it but it's gotten me so upset that I'm almost at the point I was pre court- anxious and tearful and wondering what the hell I can do to make life ok for my ds.

Ex is hard work, but now under control of you like due to the undertaking at court. He blames ds tears and upset on the fact he "hardly sees him", this matches with previous digs about me being controlling and that ds clingyness isn't right and is a worry etc.

For the record ds doesn't cry if I leave him with my family, ex's family or close friends. It's just his dad.

I'm very very positive about ex to ds, we speak about him and I make his home and his dad seem exciting and feel I do all I can to make the overnight stay appealing iykwim?

How do we move on from here? Does anyone have any experience of this in a similar aged child? My heart breaks to see him so upset.

Ex can be sulky and doesn't really take the responsibility of making the effort to make the stay exciting for ds, instead blaming me for "hogging him".

There is no point whatsoever of saying this to ex because he will not see it(narc tendencies), I'm planning on speaking at court about it during review hearing but that's 6 weeks away.

I just want my ds to be happy with us both, I hate the thought of him being upset but am at a loss at what to do.

I have so much guilt that it ended this way and feel so helpless atm, any advice would be welcome.

Sorry for the essay

Your ex is abusive, and quite probably abusing DS (ie bullying him/neglecting him/scaring him). If there's no court order, either stop contact on the grounds that it's harming DS, or insist on supervised.
Do you think your XP is mainly insisting on contact as a way to harass you? Sometimes an abusive man will fuck off and leave his DC alone if he is prevented from using contact as an excuse to abuse their mother - you can block and stonewall him untilhe goes away.

I remember you replying to threads of mine years ago solid.

I think that yes ex was using contact as a way of harassing me, he was very abusive and threatening. I went to woman's aid who got me a solicitors appointment the next day and we got a non molestation order and prohibited steps order the same day.

This was 6 months ago. Ex is no longer abusive, he has expressed his apologies for past behaviour but I maintain a healthy distance between us and am still protected by the undertaking which replaced the non mol.

I think ex wants to be a good dad, he loves ds but to put it bluntly it's a lot of effort for him. He will never ever admit this-'he's not taken responsibility for anything in his life ever.

Ds is is much happier with the tea time contacts, it's the overnight which causes most upset.

I won't discuss contact arrangements with ex at all but will speak to solicitor about maybe stopping the overnights- I know ex will contact this.

Sadly it's very much about him rather than ds.

It's such a struggle knowing what to do for the best. I don't want to emotionally damage ds, the idea terrifies me.

Could you suggest that you change overnights to daytime until he's a bit older? It may be that he is just too young to be staying the night away from home without fretting...

(He'll likely kick up a stink whatever you suggest).

He's too little for overnights IMO and contact should be little and often rather than overnight. Overnight contact for 2-3 year olds resulted in developmental delays in one review of evidence from Australia (on shared parenting) that I read. I think you need to find research that supports this position and also say about ds being v. Upset. Speak about how you want to promote a good relationship between xh and ds but this is just making him upset. Maybe offer xh to have the time he'd normally have in the day but pick him up for sleeping and see if that makes a difference?

The key thing to remember is that your X is the least important person in this situation. Keep a layer between him and you (eg contact via email only, or through a solicitor) - send him the message that for the moment there will be no overnights as DS is too little and finding it distressing. State that this will change as DS gets older (as long as XP continues to behave himself). XP can suck it up or sod off. It's simply not true that children desperately need a relationship with their father - it's much better for an abusive father to be cut right out of the children's lives.

Offred - don't want to derail, but are overnights for 2-3yo's that damaging if the DC is happy to go ? I assume it's different if DC not happy? Or is it damaging in all cases?

(Worried now, as DS3 loves his overnights with Ex, DS1 hated his at the same age with a different father. WAS damaging for DS1, can't see that it would be damaging DS3, though, as he's so happy to go? I hope not!)

I imagine it is where the contact is based on parental rights rather than child welfare yes as that was what she was studying - shared parenting law in aus.

Logic dictates that where the child isn't upset they aren't upset!

I can't link to it as on legal database I only have access to as a student but it was a review of research evidence on shared parenting conducted by Liz Trinder who I believe is prof of law at exeter uni.

Thank you for the thoughts. I am going to speak to my solicitor about stopping the overnights.

He's always made me feel that I'm too protective of ds, stemming from his prem birth and subsequent treatment at nicu.

I probably was over protective but not in the extreme.

It is sad, all of it. I left the relationship to ensure ds was in a happy stable environment and i want to make sure he isn't emotionally damaged by the shared parenting in the long or short term.

I advise you continue doing exactly that. If ds is upset seeing him it will only undermine his relationship with ds. He cannot want ds to be upset. You've allowed him to try what he wants which shows you are respecting his views as a parent, now you want to change it because it is not good for ds and he should give you the same respect if he cares for ds and ds' relationship with him.

Thank you offred, I've calmed down now I've had chance to sleep on it. I'm almost certain ds calms very quickly after I've left him.

It just adds to the anxiety and upset I've felt for years going through the ea, then the split and now setting up alone.

I'm telling myself this is the better of the two options for ds, but I will absolutely look at the overnight and will closely monitor how they go before review date at court