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Original poster

Am I being a "twat"?

20 replies

Knackeredmum13 · 18/01/2014 18:47

As my not so DH claims?

He went out with friends last night claiming that it wouldn't be a big night. We have a young baby who is still up every two hours. I'm shattered which he knows and he promised that he would get up with the baby this morning so that I could sleep.

I text him about 11.30 pm and ended it by saying I was going to sleep. I expected that he would be on the train or just about to get the last train home. When the baby woke at 1.30am he was still not home and had not contacted me. I called him and he answered and tried to claim that he had just missed the last train by seconds. He had missed it by more like two hours!

He eventually got in at 3.30am having spent god knows how much on a taxi. What with being up with the baby and being angry at him I had maybe 3-4 hours sleep last night. At 7.30 this morning I took the baby into him in the spare roomso that I could sleep. I went and got DS back an hour later and DH slept until 1pm.

He then got up all bright and breezy and didn't know why I was annoyed. I had at least expected an apology. We were due to stay with friends of his tonight. For me it would have meant watching them drinking and having fun with me sitting there knowing that I'd still be up half the night with the baby but just in someone else's house. So I told him that after last night he could go alone and that me and the baby were staying home. He has not gone himself and is blaming me and saying that he couldn't go without me and tell them that I was being a "twat". Apparently because I had text that I was going to sleep he didn't think he needed to let me know he was staying out late. Despite him knowing I'd be awake again shortly after with DS and therefore would wake and not know where he was.

He has had form for going out and getting drunk and going AWOL in the past, this was supposed to have changed. He hasn't done it in months which he thinks excuses it. I just think he is out of order for thinking that a married man with a baby is entitled to stay out til all hours without even having the courtesy to let his wife know? Plus I'm now even more exhausted than ever, and I was struggling as it was.

Sorry for the length and the rambleyness ( is that a word?) but I've not had more than 5 hours sleep a night in weeks.

OP posts:

MarjorieChardem · 18/01/2014 18:51

Erm, no, HE is being an immense twat. I would be furious if my DH did that. How dare he call you a twat!! Does he normally call you names?

ROARmeow · 18/01/2014 18:51

He's a twat, not you.

You are not being unreasonable to expect him to keep you informed and to take turns with the baby.

Sleep deprivation is a killer, I know! My kids are only now starting to sleep well and it makes all the difference....

What time do you get alone? Does he do his share around the house, with the DC, does he work???

Lweji · 18/01/2014 18:52

Please tell your twat of a husband that he is being a twat.

Original poster

Knackeredmum13 · 18/01/2014 18:54

He thinks that because it was a one off and he hadn't been out late in months that it should be ok. Also because he had the baby this morning so that I could "lie in". He only had him because I took him in as I didn't see why DH should get to stay out all night and avoid his responsibilities. He then slept til 1 so he hasn't missed out at all.

OP posts:

paxtecum · 18/01/2014 18:56

OP: Go to bed NOW.

Let him sort everything out.
If you are BF he can bring the baby to you to be fed and then he can change the nappy.

Original poster

Knackeredmum13 · 18/01/2014 19:00

DS has to come to bed in a minute anyway. I will have to go to bed then as I refuse to sit in a room with DH.

OP posts:

bluestar2 · 18/01/2014 20:00

How dare he call you a twat. He is the drunken arse who should know better. It's ok to have a blow out now and them but not without telling the person at home worrying that you are alive. He's a twat for that alone never the lie he told re train.

RhondaJean · 18/01/2014 20:07

He shouldn't have called you a twat but I am wobbling a little bit here because it doesn't sound like he was THAT drunk when he got in, just late (and I agree about letting you know but I do also see his point about thing you were asleep and I know myself after a few drinks time flies and you don't realise how long it's been) and he was up and okay to do the things you has planned for today.

He has definitely let you down about getting up with the baby. So he makes that up to you. I am usually one of the only voices on a thread like this saying he SHOULD have called etc while the op gets called controlling so I am not quite sure why I think in this case you are being a wee bit hard on him!

Original poster

Knackeredmum13 · 18/01/2014 23:17

He was very drunk but that isn't why I was annoyed. I'm annoyed because I find it so disrespectful and selfish of him to think that he can stay out as late as he likes a) without the courtesy of letting me know and b ) assuming I will take care of the baby on my own.

He didn't get up this morning either I dumped the baby on him while he was in bed. If I hadn't then he would have just slept on. As it was after an hour I took the baby back because I couldn't lay and listen to him cry any longer. DH then stayed in bed until 1. He wouldn't have been safe to drive so had I not refused to go I would have ended up driving to his friends so that he could start drinking all over again. Meanwhile I'd be there yet again looking after the baby single handedly.

Anyway he has had a lovely day on the sofa watching tv recovering from his hangover. Silly me to have expected an apology from him.

OP posts:

Blondeorbrunette · 19/01/2014 00:09

I think you sound a bit resentful that he went out.

Its so important that you get some time to yourself. Do you ever get time to relax

Original poster

Knackeredmum13 · 19/01/2014 00:45

I'm resentful because I think he went out and acted like a single man with nobody to answer to and that he didn't give DS a second thought. That or he just assumed that its my responsibility to look after our baby with him just dipping in if he fancies it.

He knows I've been struggling because I'm up so much ( on the second night feed since 8 now!) and I do feel like he prioritised his own fun over his responsibilities. He could have still gone out and had a good time but come home on the last train. His taxi home would have cost a lot too which we don't have to spend.

So yeah I guess I am resentful.

OP posts:

SockQueen · 19/01/2014 00:47

I can possibly see how he, while presumably at least a bit drunk, misunderstood your "I'm going to bed" (because I'm sick of waiting up for you you selfish git) text to just mean "I'm going to bed" (don't wake me when you get home).

But once he realised in the sober light of day what he'd done, and how he'd selfishly forgotten/ignored the nightmare time you've been having with your baby and what he'd promised to you earlier, I can't see how he thinks you're the twat and not him. He is a great big twat. And yes, he should be able to have a late night out once in a while, as should you, but it should be agreed in advance, not done on the spur of the moment and leaving you both worried and angry.

Shellywelly1973 · 19/01/2014 00:52

I don't blame you for feeling resentful!

With hindsight, resentment was the most significant factor in my relationship breaking down.

Talk/ communicate/ discuss this til your dp 'gets' it!!

Original poster

Knackeredmum13 · 19/01/2014 01:02

He is always like this when he is in the wrong. Like I said in my first post he has form for getting drunk and going AWOL. It was supposed to stop once the baby came along and up til now he'd actually managed to go out ( which he does often) and come home when he said. So to him last night was no big deal as he hadn't done it in ages. To me its a huge deal because its the same old crap happening again. Only this time I've a baby too.

OP posts:

Scarletohello · 19/01/2014 01:13

Shame you can't just go out till you feel like it and leave the baby with him...

Original poster

Knackeredmum13 · 19/01/2014 10:18

I never would though. Maybe that's half the problem.

OP posts:

Lweji · 19/01/2014 10:34

You won't walk out on the baby, understandably, but would you convince him that you'll walk out with the baby if he's not prepared to parent and partner responsibly?

This is why abuse often starts when babies are born. Abusive men know mothers will do anything for their children.

In this case, he may not have done it in months, but I suspect he's prepared to start doing it again. :( Time to put your foot down.

MrsJoeHart · 19/01/2014 10:45

My DH was like this when our dc's were little, he'd always been a party animal and struggled with the transition to being at home night after night. It took a long time to get the message into him that I wasn't being controlling. We got there in the end by establishing a few rules. Firstly that if he really wasn't absolutely sure that he'd be home by a certain time not to say he would, that it was better to say I'm not sure. Secondly he assured me that if I was worrying that if I phoned or texted he'd understand why and not think of me or respond as if I was nagging. Thirdly if he had a potential big night out coming up to let me know and I in turn would just count him out for the night. Lastly a hangover couldn't go beyond lunchtime the next day.

It goes without saying that I could do the same, but of course never did.

He's fully trained now, but older at almost 50 and less likely to do it, in fact I can't remember the last AWOL night even though there were a good few Christmas drinks.

The 'I don't do it very often' excuse followed by 'it wasn't intentional' give me the rage, so DH knows now that they're red rag to a bull.

MrsJoeHart · 19/01/2014 10:46

Also all lie-ins must be equally split.

Original poster

Knackeredmum13 · 19/01/2014 11:16

Mrsjoehart it sounds like our DHs are/were similar.

I'm actually glad that we didn't go and stay with his friends as he had now had a real consequence for his actions. He could have gone alone but I think he was too embarrassed as then they would know we are not speaking. I feel bad that his friends were let down at the last minute but I guess that's his problem. God knows what lie he told them.

OP posts:

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