Husband with acute depression

[Desperatecarer]

Can someone help me please. My husband had managed to conceal his mental illness for the last three years or more. I noticed he was behaving out of character but he just convinced me that the problem was me. He exploded in a terrible fashion in April. I received his suicide email note. It detailed what he was currently doing to himself. He had just swallowed around 50 tablets, drunk a bottle of wine and had a noose round his head and was waiting to get the courage to jump. It took 8 hours to find him. Somehow he survived. Four weeks later, whilst on the psychiatric ward he managed to swallow 64 paracetamol. This time he texted me. He runs his own business but did not tell me he was getting both the company and us personally heavily in debt. Everything is now at risk. As an MD he has to work even though he is clearly incapable of making any decisions. It is a highly specialised job. I am now officially his carer, but this man is not my husband. The worst thing is that as the crisis has deepened all my friends have abandoned me, I just have one left but she is burdened by things. I broke my ankle a few years ago and I had a houseful of visitors! Acquaintances have tried to be kind but it is not the same. The other day I had a tiny lump taken out of my foot, it was nothing significant and I realised that except for my husband there was no one to tell. I am an only child and my husbands family is dysfunctional and riddled with mental illness. I have lost all my friends and my best friend is away listening to voices in his head telling him to kill himself and I fear I now hate him. He is still suicidal but since April not one person has offered me one minutes respite. No one said we will stay with him, you go to the hairdresser. No one thought. He is also becoming vaguely aggressive. This morning he pounded his head with his fists. I want to leave. But there is nowhere at all to go. Because of the debts his mental illness created I have no money for rent. We have two teenagers. Until a few years ago we were a close, happy unit. Now the home is a battleground. I dread to think what it is doing to the kids. I had sherry for breakfast. I am so dreadfully lonely and I am extremely shy which makes it so much worse. I just seem to cry all day. I just feel so terribly lost, lonely and scared. I can't believe I am writing this, this can't be me.

Sorry you're in this situation. Your husband's illness is clearly worse than you can be expected to cope with as a full time carer and I wonder if he needs to be admitted to hospital in order to be properly monitored and stabilised. Please talk to your GP, tell them that he is becoming aggressive and that you are frightened. They should offer to make a mental health assessment.

Good luck

Just to add.... the member of my family who had voices in her head telling her to kill herself etc was subsequently diagnosed and successfully treated for Paranoid Schizophrenia rather than depression. So I know how frightening it is and I know what you mean about him not being your husband. Please call your GP urgently.

Thank you. I have spoken to everyone.He sees a psychiatrist six weekly, a mental health nurse weekly and they have just "kindly" withdrawn his psychotherapist, no reason given. All they do is tinker around with his medication. He desperately needs to see a Psychologist but is on a 9 month waiting list. When I complained I was advised to go private. Twice his nurse has referred us to the Home Treatment Team and and twice they just referred us back to her, and told me to call the police if necessary. His nurse is aware I am close to breaking. The psychiatric services will basically do nothing until he attempts suicide again. The provision for people with mental illness in this area is notoriously lacking. It was even raised in the Commons last month. Thank you again for your advice.

Please keep making a fuss & knocking on metaphorical doors. Call, call and call again. The GP rather than nurses and home treatment teams. I know you describe yourself as shy but I genuinely think this man needs to be committed for both his and your safety.

Thank you again

What a tough situation OP. I'm sure you're aware that if you are at all concerned that he is a danger to himself or to others, he can be sectioned.

Do you know why the Home Treatment Team has referred you back to his nurse? Keep calling the Crisis team and telling them that his current treatment is not sufficient.

You are clearly a strong person, but what you are dealing with is outwith your control. Do go to your own GP for help for yourself and explain everything. Your DH needs more help than the system is providing and you don't have the training to deal with his illness. None of this is your fault. I hope you both get the help you need soon.

I am repeatedly being told that I am a very strong person, but I do not see myself in this way. I suspect this perception of me explains why the dreadfully over burdened psychiatric services in this area has to a large extent "abandoned" us. Thank you all for your kind words of support. I shall show my GP my original posting.

I agree. Stretched mental health services rely on coping relatives to pick up the slack. I know that it's hard for you, but have to speak out. You must repeatedly everyone involved in his care and tell them you cannot cope - his psychiatrist, his nurse, the GP, the Crisis team, and also contact social services. The more nuisance of yourself that you make, the better support and your husband you will receive.

repeatedly badger ^^

Thank you again

It may well be worth telling them that you will leave your husband if things don't improve soon. In particular if support is not given by the health professionals.

I'm so sorry

I have suffered (and survived) acute depression. It dogged me for years and I ended up have a catastrophic mental breakdown. I was in hospital, on and off, for months and had ECT.

My life was saved by the ECT and a new (at the time) antidepressant.

I don't know what to suggest, but it sounds as though are in despair and in danger of getting ill yourself.

I would go back to the GP and read out what you've written here.