SAHM's who've left, please talk to me....

[Ineedcheese]

I am considering leaving my husband, for many reasons I won't go in to here.

What I can't get my head round is what happens when I first leave. Here are the facts, can anyone guide me through what would happen?

Dh and I moved in to our new house in dec. We have approx 50k equity and approx 12k in savings.. We have been married for 6 years, have ds who is 2. I am a SAHM through mutual agreement, never returned to work after mat leave. Dh already pays maintenance for dsd, approx £300 per month.

If we seperate I have no interest in staying in our house. I would be returning home to where my mum is, approximately 2.5 hours away. Realistically I would not be able to return to work straight away as the cost of childcare would be prohibitive. My mum still works full time.

I have no interest in bleeding dh dry, he is a good man, we are just not right for each other. But if I'm financially dependent how does this work?? How do I find and pay for somewhere to live? How do I live when realistically I can't work?

Also, for anyone reading who has been through this, how did you initiate the split? How much talking was there in the run up? What did you SAY?

Thank you xx

I've not been in your situation but I would strongly recommend that you seek professional legal advice in the first instance. As a married couple, there are certain rights and responsibilities to observe and various conventions regarding care for children, division of assets and so forth. For example, you have to be able to support yourself and your DS as a lone parent which could involve extended family but, if moving 2.5 hours away makes it very difficult for your DS to continue to have a functioning relationship with his father, then you can't assume you can just up sticks.

There are benefits available to lone parents and you can get an idea about those using something like the benefits checker at www.turn2us.org. Other agencies can help you with accommodation queries. In short, get proper information rather than making assumptions so that you are working with reality.

As for what you SAY to a man that is about to lose his family.... it depends on why the relationship has broken down so badly. If, for example, there is any aggression or abuse present then you would proceeed very differently than if there was simply incompatibility.

Nothing to add but watching with interest....

He knows I would move if we seperated cogito, wee discussed it before. I think he would move as well, not to where I'd be going, but certainly away from where we are now, as I don't think either of us particularly like living here!

we've

Then you should really get the legal advice. With any luck, if it can all remain reasonably amicable, you should be able to resolve the important matters via mediation. But you need to know what is fair and what isn't before you start. Think less in terms of 'not wanting to bleed him dry' and more in terms of making sure your DS's future is not unfairly disadvantaged by the break-up.

If you'd both move and sell the house you'd be entitled to half the profit from the house I'd assume, when you say there's money in savings, I'd also assume you have a right to a share of that.

It's not 'bleeding him dry' he'd be able to contribute working full time and have an equal amount to spend on a deposit for a new house

You might be better discussing and having a plan not just upping sticks and moving. Sell the house whilst you are still there - discuss renting somewhere and how the division of money is going to work.It could pay for a deposit for a rental property. You will then have to apply for housing benefit and single parent benefits- tax credits etc.

It sounds quite clinical and cut and dry. If you suspect it will be amicable you are better staying put. If it's not I would expect him to be upset that you are moving 2 1/2 hours away and taking his child. He may object unless you are prepared to do a fair share of the driving.

He will be upset, I know. He already has a daughter that we live 4hrs away from, he sees her every 3rd weekend and does 2x8 hr round trips for this. It is one of my biggest concerns, how to work around that with ds, and how to ensure that dsd also gets to see ds still as well.

Childcare may not be prohibitive if your stbx pays his share of it?

He wouldn't have to pay for childcare on top of maintenance thiugh would he?

A fair amount of maintenance will reflect the costs of raising your DS and also your ex's disposable income. Then there are other influences e.g. If you take a job which means you qualify for tax credits, then a proportion of child care costs are factored in to the award. Again, more reason to involve a solicitor in the early days, not to fight your battles for you necessarily (expensive), but to give you a steer on how other couples have settled the same dilemmas.

Thank you all for your advice, I know that I would need to get professional advice (although not really sure where to begin with that!)

Are there any people out there who left as a sahm and would be willing to tell me a bit about how it worked for them? What order they did stuff in, how it worked with benefits etc?

Have you tried posting in Divorce/Separation? Just wondering if you might find people there who have gone through this/currently experiencing it

Oh haha that sounds like a very sensible idea