Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it possible to totally disengage whilst in a relationship?

11 replies

rylansteeth · 18/01/2014 00:05

Splitting with my DH isn't possible at the moment, although it may be in future.

he doesn't treat me with any respect. I've been a SAHM for a few years and during this time he's got more and more controlling and less respectful towards me. I tread on eggshells. Nothing I do is right.

How can I disengage? Would disengaging make him treat me with more respect?

OP posts:
PedlarsSpanner · 18/01/2014 00:44

no sweetheart, he won't treat you with any more respect

why don't you tell us more, perhaps we can help you to formulate an escape plan?

EllaFitzgerald · 18/01/2014 00:57

If his treatment of you has been going on for years, then he's not going to change; this is him. All you can do is start working on a way to make you happy.

Can you say why it's not possible to leave him yet?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2014 06:48

Disengaging is very unlikely to earn you more respect because bullies don't care about others. However, disengaging may reduce your stress levels, increase your confidence a little and help you find the strength to find ways to leave sooner rather than later. 'Endurance' is not a long-term solution. Why do you say it isn't it possible to split at the moment?

Lweji · 18/01/2014 08:20

Disengaging may actually be dangerous if he abuses you and feels his control slipping away.

rylansteeth · 18/01/2014 10:33

It's not possible for me to leave at the moment as I don't work, and haven't for several years. I couldn't afford to keep this house on if he left, which he wouldn't do anyway.

It's a case of nothing I do ever being right, or any good in his eyes. We both decided I'd be a SAHM. Because of his work hours (works a lot of nights away and weekends) I can't work around his hours. He says he's happy with this, then when he's in a bad mood he has a go at me for not having a job. We don't need the money, he just wants to have a go at me. He'll suddenly say 'So what jobhunting have YOU done today then?' and then I'm in the wrong.

He says I never do anything for him but I do all the housework, cleaning, washing, cooking etc. When I ask him what he means he won't elaborate. He also will never talk about things and just ignores me if I try to calmly talk.

When he's in a mood and picks an argument he says all kinds of thing that are below the belt. Last night it was that I am 'odd' and various other things. He also continually tells me I need to be able to take constructive criticism.

I'm never allowed to be ill. He couldn't care less about me if I'm ill or under the weather.

Yesterday he picked a fight because my nan gave me some money to treat myself so I had a spa morning with a friend. Nothing fancy or expensive, just a swim and a sauna. I could tell DH was cross about it then last night he picked a fight and started having a go at me for sitting down at 10 last night as I'd been 'relaxing all day'.

He used to respect me before I was a SAHM but now he acts more and more like he's my boss. I end up doing what he wants, or what I think he'll want me to do, all the time, and still he gets angry. Nothing makes him happy. I was going to do some voluntary work to fit in with school hours but he was cross about that too.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2014 10:52

If the main thing standing in the way of you having a happy future is that you can't afford to stay in your current house solo then you're going to have to find practical ways to eliminate this fear.

Have you ever, for example, talked to a solicitor about what a divorce would mean in practice - specifically how marital homes are dealt with? Is the mortgage in your name, his name or both? How much equity is in the property?

rylansteeth · 18/01/2014 12:15

The mortgage is in joint names, and I'd say we have around 80k equity in the property. DH would never agree to sell up though.

I feel so upset today. He was horrible to me last night and it really dents my confidence every time he does it. No matter what I do it just isn't good enough. He says I never do anything for him but what he means is he wants to be able to make a mess and leave stuff everywhere and I'll clean it up without complaint. He got a dog recently even though I said I didn't want one and now all he does it have a go at me because I haven't done X, Y or Z for the dog. Poor dog was sick the other day and I cleaned the sick up and told DH when he got home that the dog had been sick.

He had a go at me about this last night as apparently I had a negative tone when I told him about the dog being sick, and I should have either said nothing or said 'dog was sick but I cleaned it up' brightly, rather than 'dog was sick, ewww it was disgusting'.

It's not fair that he gets to dictate how I say things or even how I am allowed to react to things.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/01/2014 12:23

You really do need some professional advice. His behaviour sounds very bullying, possibly emotionally abusive and the longer you stay with him the more he'll grind your confidence into the dirt. Of course it's not fair that he thinks he can treat you this way but bullies don't care about what's fair. They care only for themselves.

In the event of a divorce, if he didn't want to sell the house, he'd have to find at least £40k to hand over in lieu... possibly more if you have DCs.... and that would be on top of your fair share of any savings, ongoing child maintenance and potentially spousal maintenance if you gave up your job to help him further his career. So not selling up may not be a choice he's able to indulge in.

The Law Society website can provide you with solicitors specialising in family law in your area, some of whom may offer a free initial consultation. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 can also point you towards solicitors that are familiar with the bully/control/abuse dynamic.

Lweji · 18/01/2014 12:31

I agree. Get professional advice. It may not be as difficult as you think right now. You should be entitled to spousal maintenance, or a large part of the equity in the house, in addition to children's maintenance.

You may also be able to make him leave, or for you to leave.

I think it would be useful for you to contact Women's aid as well, to discuss practical solutions.

Custardo · 18/01/2014 12:35

he has to sell or give you the money

as an aside

do you want to work?

what ages are your kids?

do you get top up benefits becuase you aren't bringing in an income

are childcare vouchers an option?

EirikurNoromaour · 18/01/2014 14:58

He doesn't get to refuse to sell the house! Or he can, but he must buy you out essentially. Your lawyer can support you to force a sale or settlement. You should also be able to find a lawyer who can take their fee out of the final settlement. It's all possible, but you need legal advice.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread