Need advice re dp

[SK8DAD]

New member so bit of background; myself and dp both freelance. For past year really, I have had most work so dp effectively sahm. Sometimes I work away for weeks at time, back at weekends, other times can more or less work from home. Currently away, dp at home with 18m ds.

Problem is this: looking after toddler on own massive job, absolutely no time for anything else. Dp v unhappy as has no time for herself, no creative outlet (v creative woman), day in - day out chores/childcare etc, impossible for her to do short notice contracts that used to be bread and butter. Sure you are all familiar! Find it incredibly difficult to hear how unhappy she is when we speak. Feel v v guilty at being away but no work if don't go. When am at home is good, share all jobs, childcare etc, have great relationship really. Have got brill nursery 3 half days per week, but our parents live miles away so can't really help.

How can I make it easier for dp?? Do we need massive changes eg new jobs, move closer to parents? Surely can make this work? Is it just case of being as supportive as can?

Any ideas Mumsnetters?

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Have talked about Nanny but never investigated it. Perhaps will now . Thanks Galaxy.

What a nice man you sound sk8dad. The only solutions I can think of is to either hire a nanny/au pair as galaxy suggested or put ds into a nursery for a couple of days a week to give dp some time for herself if this is possible ...

No other suggestions other than nanny/au pair... or maybe some home help cleaning/ironing lady.

Is the nursery flexible enough to allow ds's days to change i.e. he goes to nursey when dp get's work?

Really just wanted to say you sound v. considerate and I think if some of us had men that contributed/cared as much as you seem to we'd be happy ladies!!

SK8? Near Manchester?

First get a cleaner, then those three mornings a week WILL be her own time and she can work. It's really quite simple. I only have childcare three mornings a week and that (and when ds sleeps) is when I work. I also ask a friend to step in if I need to do an interview at short notice. Also actively looking for an au pair type person who I can call on to fill any gaps - au pairs often work for families with school age children and are free for cleaning/childcare work in the day.
Just because she's at home more does not IMO mean she should be stuck with chores. I do a LOT of work in three mornings, plus the odd evening stint. I don't know what your dp does but if she needs whole days then you do need to look for someone local to take over the childcare reins. Have you thought of investigating local childminders or advertising for a mum looking for more work/mother's help/au pair/nanny?

blimey, you two could be us! (except we have 2 babs and we dp doesn´t share all jobs).

Things that helped me when I only had 1 were:

• dd going to nursery 5 days a week. Didn´t need all that time for work, but it meant I was available for those short-notice contracts (why is everything so urgent until it turns out the client has to do something? ) and that I had time for my own projects/mumsnet.

• a dishwasher. My god, I can´t believe we didn´t buy one sooner.

• mumsnet. It´s a bit sad really, but mumsnet provides adult interaction which you can just dip in and out of and is extremely valuable for that. Never have time to actually go out an meet real people

• becoming a domestic slut. life is too short for dusting. OK maybe you should dust every now and then.

• finally your toddler is only 18 months. Much as they are lovely at that age, they get more and more interesting from there!

Saying that, I still miss actually going out to work. If I was in the UK I´d get myself a few hours a week of non-work-from-home work, or maybe take a course or something. Maybe I should look again into getting that here.

Well SK8Dad - I think you sound like a dream ( no doubt to good to be true - JOKE )

As everyone else has said - try and get the chores done by somebody else - not only does it remove the drudge of the day but it allows for those "out of the Blue" pieces of work ... also gives DP much needed time to herself.

You sound a kind and considerate bloke - and it's the small gestures that count as wellyou know..
DH buys me a CD I like or books me a facial.... funnily enough not flowers ( they die ) or chocs ( makes me fat .... my words )

I'm sure she appreciates your support and concerns

Yes, I agree, a cleaner is a must. Also, try to find childcare that suits short notice contracts. Maybe you could find a local childminder who would be willing to take your ds for a week or a few days here and there. I know our childminder does this with a few kids. Alibubbles might correct me, but I think they are limited on the number of children they have on a regular basis, but can have extra children on a one-off basis without affecting their quotas. Wait to make massive changes as things will calm down in the next year. 18 mo. is a really difficult age as they need your attention all the time. As they get older, they will be able to play on their own more and more.

Thanks very much for all the GOOD advice! Will try to find cleaner and/or nanny I think. Our nursery our pretty flexible anyway so want to carry on using them - ds loves it there. Is best way to find nanny through an agency? Lots of them around, but I always trust a personal reccomendation more. Just a case of researching it thoroughly I suppose, guess Mumsnet would be good for that.

just good to chat about ir really and hear that we are on sort of right track and not alone in this kind of prob. Ta!

Sk8 in South Wales Tinker.

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Sk8DAD - South Wales...Sk8... you must be me!
Where do you sk8? I go to Cardiff sk8park mostly, but also on jams with www.middle-age-shred.com - I swear we probably know each other - let me know!

its nice to see you care enouh to worry alot of men even now think its the womas job and thats it well good luck with your search and what part of south wales are you from im from newport

Oooooh mtj, so am I. Didn't know there were any other Newport mumsnetters.

I am in Newport too!!

Wow, now I'm really getting excited.

I skate at Cardiff park as well Tom, probably have seen each other there! Haven't done any of the middleageshred events but love the site. Am away at mo, when I get back, fancy a skate?

Hello to you lot in Newport, down the road in Cardiff we are.