DP and lack of sex.

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Have posted in Dadsnet for a male perspective but want to post here too.

Not going to name change as I haven't got anything to be ashamed about.

To put it bluntly, I feel that me and my partner don't have sex enough.

I wouldn't say I'm a sex maniac or anything but I could very easily have sex every one or two days, whereas my partner would be satisfied with once a month, if that!

We've had many an argument over this. I try to talk rationally about it but then it just decends into shouting for us both.Â

He says he just doesn't want sex that often. But here's the crux...

He's been on dating sites and messaging women on Facebook, in the past, roughly 6 months ago (our DS had just been born ).Â

I read the messages he was sending women and they were all extremely sexual in nature, very explicit and graphic. He also had a lot of porn on his phone and had no problem sorting himself out.Â

We've worked and are still working through it. It's got a lot better and I believe him when he says he hasn't done it again. He hands his phone over if I ever ask for it and doesn't take it to the bathroom, etc. Things are a lot better.Â

Yet we still have this problem. It's always me instigating, most of the time he refuses and when we do have sex I wonder if it's only to keep me happy or shut me up.Â

I'm hoping that you can give me some advice as to how I can handle this and try and get to the middle somewhere.Â

Have any of you ever been in this situation before? Was there a reason your DP did this? Did you manage to sort it out? Is there something I can do to help get his sex drive up?Â

Just for info - we've just had our first born who is a dream of a baby. He's 6mo and goes 12 hours at night. I'm about a stone heavier than I was when we met but still largely the same shape. He gives me compliments all the time and is affectionate.Â

Sorry if that was garbled. If you need any clarification, just ask.Â

No idea what all the random A's are about, sorry.

How long have you and your DP been together OP? And has he always had a low sex drive, and do you think things have gone stale recently? (e.g. has there been any effort to try new things?)

He's probably just got better at hiding the porn use and affairs. Sorry.

Your DH's habits sounds a lot like my Hs and after an initial crunch point when he was supposed to be changing, I found out that as jean said he'd just got better at hiding it.

He used private browsing and also watched the Internet via his Playstation instead of on the computer. Genius really cos it was literally months before I even thought of looking there, didnt even know he could do it.

Obviously your situation is not necessarily like mine, and sorry if its not, but it might be worth considering if nothing has changed

I think you're deluding yourself that you're working through it. You can't change someone else's sex-drive. Low sex drive isn't always a function of porn use but that's a pretty common side-effect. If that's his preference, he won't have given it up just like that. I suppose it's something that he's affectionate and complimentary. Is that enough?

What was his reaction when you discovered his affairs? Abject apology or minimising? What has he done to show you how much he regrets what he did to hurt his wife and family?

Yuuuuk, how do you manage to look at his stupid face over the cornflakes, never mind sleep with him

If I thought for one moment I was the pity shag, I would be gone

He prefers porn and sleaze to a warm and willing lover

Horrible and demeaning behaviour

Doesn't seem like he has a low sex drive

zizzo - we've been together 3.5 years. We used to have sex once or twice a week for about a year. It's dwindled from there really.

Jean and Katie - I don't think that is the situation here.We have been working together and have had plenty of discussions. He did a lot to prove that he was willing to change. He deleted facebook, changed his email address, deleted his site profile, changed his phone number and we have put a block on porn etc on our internet. I have access to his phone bill so would know if he was doing it via 3G on his phone as we both only have small data allowances, so his bill would be extortionate.

He leaves his phone here there and everywhere now, whereas it used to be glued to his side. He's willing to talk to me about what happened if I feel the need, he doesn't get angry or defensive.

So I do believe he is trying to change.

Cogito - I meant working through his previous betrayal. Sorry for the confusion. We have a good relationship otherwise, we laugh together, have similar interests and are happy to be working towards making our relationship strong again.

AF - I understand your post but I believe he is trying to change his behaviour. If I truly didn't believe that then I wouldn't continue in the relationship.

He's made a lot of practical changes but what has done on an emotional level to show how sorry he was? What was his reaction when he was rumbled?

I'd be looking for a phone you know nothing about.

If you truly believe he isn't still into the porn, it could still be having an affect. Lots of porn seriously desensitises you, so it could just be that he does put feel turned in by the prospect of "normal" sex.

Maybe he should get some counselling

He may be trying to change his behaviour but has he addressed the reason why he used porn so much anyway? An intimacy issue? A fetish that he doesn't want to share with you? It's never going away until you get to the root of the problem.

If it really is a non-issue now, are you just faced with the fact he has a lower drive than you?

Although given his past porn habit, this isn't really the case is it?

I wish you well, OP. Him, not so much. I am sure you could do better than this wanker.

Sorry, butter fingers
doesnt feel turned on

Jean - there's no other phone. I'm on mat leave and have full control of the finances while things are so tight. When he was found out he was contrite and apologetic. He struggles with talking about his feelings (ever since we met) but he did open up and was remorseful.

Ellie - I am going to suggest he gets counselling. He was severely bullied as a child and young adult and I believe it has had a profound effect on the way he views himself, both physically and as a person.

I don't think it's any particular fetish as the porn was standard PIV or facial scenes. Nothing out of the ordinary, as far as the type goes.

Emotionally, I'm not sure how to answer. He lets me talk about it and was honest and open, offering information that I didn't know of. He tells me he loves me everyday and always asks how I am. Does a relative amount of housework, fair share of looking after DS. We do have a good relationship.

AF - thank you for the well wishes.

A fear of intimacy can be caused by things like that, bad experiences and low self esteem, and can also result in the lack of interest in sex and interest in porn/wanking. It's probably also too often used as an excuse for shift behaviour though.

Typically this will go in cycles and until he sorts out his emotional problems (if that is what it is) its only a matter of time before he returns to the thing that is easiest and gives him most comfort, ie porn and wanking.

This explained a lot to me, but my STBXH was an arsehole on top of all this...

www.experienceproject.com/stories/Live-In-A-Sexless-Marriage/1082582