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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I divorce now or wait til the 2 year point?

21 replies

Sasquatch75 · 17/01/2014 12:55

Posting here as it's nice and busy!

Basically, exh left me for the ow 5 months ago. From my understanding I have up to 6 months to file for divorce under adultery. After 6 months, I no longer have this option and have to wait until the 2 year separation.

Can't decide what to do. Are there any benefits to doing it now? Atm I cba... Been through a lot over the last 6 months - my dad and grandma died too.

I don't work, but stay at home looking after our 3 DCs, youngest is 2. We have a mortgage but I've been told that he'll have to keep his name on the mortgage until I can either afford to take it on myself, or the youngest turns 16.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2014 13:42

It's probably best to get proper legal advice on the advantages and disadvantages of both options. If you're reliant on this person to keep paying the mortgage, for example, it's a little risky to rely on his goodwill holding out for two whole years. And it's also not true that he has to keep paying the mortgage until you can afford to take it over. In a divorce situation, both parties have to be able to enjoy a reasonable standard of living. If that means selling the house, splitting the proceeds, and everyone downsize.... that's what happens.

MrsSquirrel · 17/01/2014 13:50

If you decide not to divorce on grounds of adultery, it's not true that you then have to wait for 2 years. You could divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, with the behaviour being he is in a sexual relationship/living with ow.

You really need to get proper legal advice.

FluffyJumper · 17/01/2014 14:02

Yes, it's not a case of do it now or wait two years.

Original poster

Sasquatch75 · 17/01/2014 16:56

Thanks. Can't downsize as I already have 2 DCs sharing a room. The legal advice I had said that he can't just take his name off the mortgage and that the court would rule in my favour and let us stay in the house? He doesn't pay anything towards the mortgage. I guess nothin is concrete until the end though...

OP posts:

Original poster

Sasquatch75 · 17/01/2014 16:58

He would only get about £10k out of the equity btw... I had a declaration of trust drawn up as I contributed a large sum from my old house towards this one. So glad I did that!

OP posts:

1983mummy · 17/01/2014 17:05

I think you can divorce on the grounds of adultery at any point, however you can't divorce for adultery if you take your husband back for six months or longer as it is deemed that you tried to make your marriage work, I.e forgave him. But you can do unreasonable behaviour

handfulofcottonbuds · 17/01/2014 17:22

I was told there was a 6 month timescale for divorcing under adultery, any longer and it would appear to a court that you are condoning their behaviour.

I am going to divorce under adultery as my solicitor said I have more of a chance that way to make him pay my legal fees.

disclaimer, this is just what I have been told

moonfacebaby · 17/01/2014 18:12

I filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery last August - I'd chucked my exH out in the previous November.

As long as you split up in the 6 month time frame, you can file at any time, using adultery as the reason.

I am hoping to get my exH to pay the mortgage on our house until I am working again & I am also hoping to get spousal maintenance as out youngest is only 2. Renting would cost more than our mortgage & we only have about 60k equity in the house.

My exH is a high earner though & wants the kids to not have the upheaval of moving. He's been quite reasonable up to now but we are about to go to financial resolution & this is where it will probably get quite difficult & potentially expensive. He is paying £900 towards my costs so far as my solicitor said that he's left me in a vulnerable position (our youngest was just 4 months old when he started the affair) & as he committed adultery, he should have to pay.

maparole · 17/01/2014 18:18

Cannot help in the slightest, but wanted to say deepest sympathies for the shit time you've been having

Original poster

Sasquatch75 · 17/01/2014 18:28

Thanks maparole. That's why I just cba atm... But I'm wondering if I should pull my finger out and get on with it.

Moonfacebaby my situation sounds similar to yours. Exh is a high earner too and has said on more than one occasion that he wants the DCs to keep their home. He's very amicable about it all. I'm not, of course! He moved in with the ow after a month of leaving here!!

I suppose I'm worrying if he'll change his mind/ be influenced further along the line...

OP posts:

Chunderella · 17/01/2014 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

skyeskyeskye · 18/01/2014 00:15

I divorced for unreasonable behaviour citing inappropriate contact with OW. (No actual proof of adultery just thousands of texts) Was divorced 6 months later. It could have been 3 months but I waited until financial stuff was sorted.

Cabrinha · 18/01/2014 00:19

Well obviously, see a solicitor.

Personally, I'd get the ball rolling. At the very least with legal advice. Adultery if it's uncontested - and he can hard deny it! - isn't difficult at all. You don't have to name OW or give much detail at all. I couldn't name XH's OW anyway, as she was a prostitute. All I had to put was that I believed he had had sex with someone in March 2013 and that I no longer found it tolerable to be married to him. As long as he doesn't contest, it's that simple. I'd avoid UB, as that's where you can annoy each other with mudslinger - adultery is very simple and factual.

I'm sure I read on here once the sooner the better, as initially they're more likely to still be feeling a bit guilty - so you may get a better settlement. Or rather, the same fair settlement but with less arguing!! He may be less reasonable in 2 years when his guilt has worn off, he's single, and you're engaged ;) You never know...!

I personally wouldn't want to live with the uncertainty, and I wanted to divorce my arsehole ex for exactly what he'd done - the adultery.

I'm sorry you've had this and bereavement - you must be in bits. x

jayho · 18/01/2014 00:32

Where are you? Can you go for judicial separation?

prh47bridge · 18/01/2014 00:57

If you use adultery as the basis for the divorce you may be able to reclaim your legal costs for the divorce itself but that is a relatively small amount. Typically most of the costs are in sorting out the finances. You will not be able to recover those costs from your ex regardless of whether the divorce is for adultery or some other reason. Many people choose to go for unreasonable behaviour as it generally causes less friction.

lookatmybutt · 18/01/2014 02:01

Jayho, DO NOT recommend judicial separation when someone wants to get divorced.

OP, what's happened to you is awful but I think it's preferable to go the easiest route possible. See a solicitor. prh47 is probably right. You can do unreasonable behaviour rather than adultery if it suits your case better, and it may well do.

It is perfectly possible to go into detail in your petition and it still remain amicable. Once it's done, you likely will never have to read it or revisit it again (maybe once, even then, maybe not). As prh said, LOTS of people do it this way and agree to do it this way. It's uncomfortable at first, but tends to make things much less stressful in the long run.

BeforeAndAfter · 18/01/2014 06:33

I'd start the process now. The longer you leave it the more chance OW will be getting used to her lifestyle and start to have a say in what he should or shouldn't do for you. (Not a legal say but a very influential one vis-a-vis your ex). As he's a high earner you're also leaving him a lot of time to squirrel assets away/spend income as early lovers tend to. Plus if there's a chance of a baby with OW I'd want it sorted sooner rather than later.

I had my H agree to pay all of my legal fees up front (12.5k, he stalled so I needed a court timetable to make him file his Form A, hence the big number). I had that set out in the court order to make sure he coughed up.

Divorce lawyers give you a free half hour up front. Book a couple of these and go armed with a list of questions. Find out the facts and it may galvanise you. Good luck.

handfulofcottonbuds · 18/01/2014 11:10

I agree with the whole best to do it sooner rather than later because they may still have some guilt and also totally agree with beforeandafter

My solicitor said to me that I was going to get divorced anyway so why delay the process. Think I changed my mind when my H spent 2 months saying he wanted a divorce then after seeing his solicitor he suddenly started saying to me that there was no hurry in us getting a divorce - even though he is in a full blown 'relationship' with OW and planning on moving in with her soon.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety · 18/01/2014 11:18

my solicitor told me get as much signed over to me as possible prior to divorce

if he is not paying the mortgage would he be happy to sign over his equity to you?

skyeskyeskye · 18/01/2014 11:22

I did it quickly because it was before the Legal Aid rules changed and I qualified at that time, but ALSO, my solicitor referred to the "guilt factor". "Hit him quick and hit him while he feels guilty".

Personally I wouldn't have wanted it hanging over me for 2 years. It has taken me almost that long to come to terms with it all and if I now had to start divorced proceedings it would just drag me back down again, so I am glad that I did it quickly.

Original poster

Sasquatch75 · 18/01/2014 18:23

Thank you so much for all the advice. I'm going to ring the solicitor first thing on Monday. The guilt factor is so true! He still feels very guilty and actually said he hopes I find a new man soon! Yeah, so he won't feel so guilty anymore... Selfish git...

Thanks everyone. Feeling good about getting things sorted :)

OP posts:

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