Any positive experiences of dating inexperienced weird creepy loners?

[MonsieurReynard]

(Hope nobody minds me posting here, lurked for ages (mostly re stately homes, though never posted there as seemed too insignificant in comparison to most folks) and found the advice given here is really good.)

Anyway, umm, five months after the amicable end of a LTR, have come to the realisation that the above is pretty much what I currently am. Signed up to online dating, but finding that trying and failing is a lot more draining than not trying to begin with...any positive stories to buck me up a bit? Or advice/thoughts? TIA.

(Just to clarify - I'm male and not called Tia!)

You're not really talking yourself up there (ie the thread title)

Not sure online dating is the answer.

Are you really creepy?

Also not sure online dating is the answer.

See yourself more positively. Try not to be a loner. You might meet a like minded female who wants to get to know you better...

Depends in what ways you are "weird & creepy" really, and why you're a loner. We need a bit more info!

isitsnowingyet - to be fair that's not the title I use on the dating site!

overmydeadbody - unfortunately yes, mix of possible undiagnosed ASD and weird upbringing means I have a bit of a creepy vibe (confirmed by a few people!). Don't really smile naturally so looks a bit weird when I try (think Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory), too much/too little eye contact as I can't judge it correctly, etc. Not much in the way of natural social instincts to blend in, etc.

If you were in a LTR then surely not inexperienced?

What are your good points?

how do you get on with females in general?

Nothing wrong with being inexperienced, nor preferring to spend most of your time on your own (as long as you're not socially inept). Weird is more positively phrased as unusual/quirky/bit of a character. Creepy is NOT good and I suggest you either stop using it as an adjective about yourself or if you are genuinely creepy, find out why and do something about it.

If you've managed to hold down other relationships in the past, I'm assuming that you're not that dysfunctional , so why not think about describing yourself as who you are rather than what you think you have to offer. What do you like to do? Sport? Film? Walks? Reading? What sort of personality do you have? Serious or fun loving? A thinker or a doer? What would be your ideal day with a new date?

As for tempting people to take a chance on you, good grooming goes further than anything else IMO. Most people don't aspire to film-star good looks in a date - a chubbier well-groomed man will do better than a greasy-looking slimmer one, for example.

Allergictoironing (can identify with that username!)

Weird - don't really 'get' most social stuff, often get it wrong when I try to join in. gain, weoird upbringing means slightly skewed boundaries (not in a dodgy way!)

Loner - not intentionally so, but live alone in the middle of nowhere (was fine when in a relationship and had local friends) most friends moved on with relationships, etc, and need half a dozen texts over the course of a few months before I get a reply, so don't get out that much (didn't actually see another human between boxing day and the 10th when I went back to work, lol!). As I'm setting up as a full-time artist, living with someone's not an option at the moment, so couldn't do a flatshare or similar.

If you want to improve your chances, get on with dealing with the possible undiagnosed ASD. Lots of people function perfectly successfully with it because they've learned social niceties as an academic exercise rather than an instinctive/socially learned one. You can too. Practise smiling in front of the mirror. Start making eye contact when you buy things in shops for example so it feels less odd and uncomfortable in social situations, and start educating yourself on the clues that people give when they are uncomfortable with too much eye contact. You can learn this stuff, it's not all about coming naturally it's about observation and predictability.

Wow, lots of replies - can't keep up! Thanks, all!

Chewbacca - unfortunately the LTR was entirely sexless -her choice, not mine. She didn't like the idea of it, I didn't want to pressure her do anything she didn't want to, was a kind of stalemate. We shared a bed, hugged, kissed, but that was as far as it went. Was frustrating, but I loved her so put up with it - plus, rationally I figures someone willing to date me but not have sex was a step up from everyone who would do neither.
As a result, not had sex since I was 23 (am 33 now). Am hoping it'll come (umm...no pun intended!) naturally, but maybe it won't?

Good points? Can cook and clean, don't snore much, can maintain an informed conversation on pretty much anything as long as you start it ~(can't really initiate conversations)?

antimatter - better than with males, as a rule - mostly because my last few workplaces have been female-orientated, as well as hobbies, etc. Most of my close friends are women, though 'close' is relative I guess!

Your split is still very recent.

Rather than jump into online dating, I suggest you work on your social circle (and social skills) more generally.

What clubs and hobby groups could you join?

Maybe close friends could write few sentences about you for your profile.

Dahlen - lots to think about there, really appreciate it, thanks :) Hadn't thought about the grooming side - think am ok in that area but there's always room for improvement, I guess! Will maybe ban myself from using self-service checkouts as well - seems as good a place to start as any!
The ASD thing - I'm not sure if he was talking nonsense but when I spoke to the GP (about other stuff, but it came up), he reckoned that he was happy to arrange a referral, but that if someone wanted to create a person with the symptoms of asd, then my upbringing would be the way to go about it.

HotDamn - thanks, that makes sense. The main hobby that I'm in (which I'm turning into a business) is actually pretty social, but it's online-based, so while I'd be going to big events every month, meeting people, etc, it's not the same location or same people each time. It's weird -for those 2 or 3 days a month I can be the life and soul of the party (or just the least socially awkward in a gathering of socially awkward geeks!), it's just the rest of the time that it seems to slip!

antimatter - I did mention the online dating thing to a friend, but she said that she thought I shouldn't start dating again until I had a few more relationships under my belt. I'm still trying to get my head round that one....

For what it's worth you sound very introverted rather than creepy/loner. There's a support/company thread somewhere discussing the many problems of meeting someone as an introvert :)

PBF - thanks, wll have a look at that (and lurk on the sidelines for a bit!) :)

Another one here agreeing that maybe you should be looking into hobbies that allow general social interaction rather than specifically looking for a relationship. Much easier to practice socialisation when you're doing something you really enjoy. And if it's a geeky subject all the better - many of the other people there will likely have similar social interaction issues and if you do happen to meet someone special you know you have at least one subject in common that you can talk about comfortably .

I assume the OP means he's shy and inexperienced. We also know that he has a sense of humour

One word: hobbies. Get a new hobby, one that you will genuinely enjoy, and see if you can meet someone nice that way. One which lots of women your age do.

I remember this interview with Grayson Perry where he talked about how traditional dating was really hard for introverts. He said he met his wife doing an evening class and the thing was to get to know someone 'sideways' without the pressure of a date.

she thought I shouldn't start dating again until I had a few more relationships under my belt

I guess she meat friendship type of relationsips?

what made LTR appealing to you?
Which part of an ideal relationship was missing and which was fulfilled?
many people (including me) wouldn't be able to do that.

i like that phrase - get to know someone "sideways"

my DH is very introverted and was very much a loner when we met. He was also incredibly intimidating because he looked so miserable and is very very tall!

we met through work. i was very extrovert and he very introvert. we became best friends first and foremost - that was over 23 years ago.

if it helps ASD runs in my family and my son has a diagnosis. He is also very "geeky" and that comes from my side of the family - i suspect (and it has been pointed out at work) that i probably have ASD too. (i am an anomaly! yes - ASD and extrovert)

It might be good if you could find some physical activity that is mildly social and regularly brings you into real-life contact with other people. Not something to get totally absorbed in, just a regular activity. A weekly walking group could be a low-stress way to practise how to initiate a conversation now and again because you don’t have to talk all the time, people will be quite happy just walking along, and you would be able to get to know the other walkers gradually; or a dance class can be good for becoming more aware of other people’s physical movement and how to respond to it; or a bowling group. The point is not to make close friends or find someone special, it’s to get more comfortable among a group of people, which is often easier if you are all doing something that's physical but not too demanding.