Starting seeing friend who the kids have already met...

[Brittapie]

In October I started seeing a friend who I have known for over a decade and been close to for around a year. The kids (4 and 6) have met most of my friends - they aren't close but they have played with his nephew, been to a couple of events where he has been there, said hi when we have bumped into each other etc. I overheard DD1 kind of name dropping him to her friend when they were looking at some artwork he'd done.

I'm not suggesting I introduce him as my boyfriend or anything, but XH has said he doesn't want the children ANYWHERE NEAR new boyfriend. because we agreed not to confuse the kids by introducing them to new people until we'd been with them for ages. So I've been juggling things, not taking the kids to events where he will be there, not inviting him round for brews (I have friends round a lot - it is completely normal for the kids), avoiding even bumping into him in the cafe where we each spend a lot of time. He has offered to help me with DIY but I've had to refuse most of the time because that would mean him and the children being in the same place. I dance, and new boyfriend is the partner I dance with most (and organises events, too), and the kids would like to see me dancing, and sometimes there are vintagey events that would be nice for them to go to, but they can't.

Is this silly? I'm not suggesting he be round here all the time or babysit or anything, but he can be here as much as my other friends, surely? Or should I keep them completely apart? I have no idea, he is my first boyfriend since I split from XH.

Yes, it's silly. Your XH has no right whatsoever to determine who your DCs can and cannot be introduced to. You have friends, this man is a friend, your children meet your friends and your children should meet him. As you say, you're not billing him as 'the boyfriend' or 'a new dad' or 'uncle Fred' or anything contentious. They won't be bumping into him in his dressing gown on the landing.

DD1 actually remarked the other day that she hadn't seen him for ages and we should invite him round for a brew!

XHs logic is that he hasn't introduced the kids to anyone yet, (he wouldn't "do that to me", apparently), but a)he is on his seventh or eighth already, b)the kids spend more time with me and c)the kids had already met my bf. Also I don't actually mind the kids meeting his friends.

XH has actually known bf longer than I have, he's interconnected with loads of people we know, he's not exactly some randomer off the street. This makes it even harder to "avoid" him, too.

XH is just trying to control you. Be very clear about that

So you think I'm fine to treat him like my other friends?

What rules should I follow to make sure I'm not BU?

Use your judgement and commonsense and don't take any notice of your XH. Your DD already thinks of him as a family friend so there's no point whatsoever pretending he isn't

Not generally a popular view on here, but if you're serious about him, I'd just tell the kids. It's not your ex's decision.

I met someone last September, and as he was doing some work at my house (it's how we met, yes, sounds like a rubbish porn film plot!) he met my daughter too. We very quickly started seeing each other.

My daughter is 4, so didn't question us going out for the day with his child, also 4. I go out with friends and kids all the time with her.

After 2 months, I told her "you know x? I like him a lot, I think I'm going to ask him on a date". She said "that's exciting mummy, he might be your one true love!"
Context: girl is Disney obsessed at the moment!

I've told her what a boyfriend is - someone you like a lot, you want to know more, but you can't know if you love them until you know them really well.

If he hadn't had PR of a child the same age, I would have waited.
If I thought she was likely to be upset, I'd have waited.
If I thought me breaking up with him would upset her, is have waited.
I accept that a revolving door is bad for her, so if this doesn't work out, I will have to wait longer next time even if next time is my one true love!!

But no-one can judge her personality and feelings as well as me, and it's been lovely. We do stuff together quite often, he has now stayed over with her here once too. An older child might have been different, or a different personality. She gets loads of time 1:1 with me. She's really excited when I say "shall we see x?". He's quite low key around her - DEFINITELY not playing daddy.

Sorry - going on a lot! Thing is, all my decisions were based on what I thought was right for her - and yeah, what I wanted to. What her father thought was neither here nor there. Make the decisions that are right for your family, not him.

Oh and the thing about confusing them...
I prefer my daughter to understand what a boyfriend is, than only ever talk about a serious relationship.
She doesn't need to know about a new man every weekend.
But if in the next 10 years she knows I've had 10 boyfriends and has met, say, 3 of them... well, that's life, and it's what she will do. I don't want her to grow up thinking every relationship is one true love and serious... I want her to grow up knowing that people try one another on for size, and if the fit isn't right, it's OK to end it.
The key thing for me is not to have someone become a major part of her life, then just swap them for someone else that's suddenly playing dad.
I don't think children inevitably find their parent having a boy/girlfriend confusing.

Cabrinha - if you're a single parent who is dating I think you're approach is great. It is good for children to be taught the distinction between a friend, a boyfriend and a serious life partner. If for no other reason than it demonstrates to a child that there are degrees of relationships.

Like you, I take a different view to the introduction of partners to children. If you're just dating/having casual sex, I can't see any need to introduce someone at all. However, if you want to explore the possibility of a relationship, I think it's actually best to introduce a new partner quite quickly. It's all about how you do it IMO.

The trouble with leaving it until things are very serious and you're ready to move on to the next level is that you're significantly invested in the relationship by that point. This tends to mean people are more likely to overlook or try to fix problems between BF and children that would see you finishing the relationship had they arisen at an earlier stage. Also, children are a huge part of a resident parent's life. A partner can't possibly know the full you without seeing that side of you, and likewise the unpredictability of children is a great way of revealing the true character of a partner (hopefully no different from what you'd expect).

When I introduced my BF I did it slowly. A coffee here or there. An afternoon in the park. I didn't allow him to do anything that could result in serious bonding for a long time, because while I wanted them to like each other the relationship between them needed to develop naturally at a sensible pace in case I decided it wasn't working out and wanted to end it. For a while I knew that if I'd finish it they'd ask questions and be curious but not upset. We just had fun and they were as involved with him as they were with my less close friends. Only over time did I allow him to start reading bed-time stories and look after them while I was out, etc.

As long as a casual boyfriend isn't introduced as "this is Johnny, start calling him dad" I really don't get this notion of no new partners until you're practically ready to marry them.

to come back to your OP Brittapie, I'd say your approach sounds eminently sensible and you should go with your instincts and tell your X to leave you to it. If you're good enough to be charged with the main caring and financial responsibility for your children on a day-to-day basis, you are good enough to make sensible decisions about who you allow in their lives.

Agree with everyone else. I think your exH has nothing to do with it, is trying to control you - by making it sound as though he's doing you a favour - and I'd introduce him. Your children will probably be pleased, as he is someone they know, like and trust from the sound of it.

If he was your friend before you were seeing him was he your xh's too?
Did they have any grievances with one another if so, any reason he wouldn't want him around your children?

And is he okay with every other friend?

If not,then I agree It's silly.