Does it ever go away??

[mrsericnorthmaniwish]

I am divorcing my husband, it's a long story and I have posted on here a few times. Basicly I have discovered he lied to me over our home and now I have had to leave with dcs(he was violent in the end) and am living with relatives while he lives alone in our home:(. He was ea during our marriage and he was a bully - I have realised all this since. My question is how do you stop letting them get to you? I only have contact via email in relation to him seeing the children, I won't discuss or talk about anything else, I even struggle to look at him when I drop dcs off - I usually just leave(making sure dcs are safe obviously!!) every time I have any contact I feel sick, if it's something to upset me I get upset and cross, when will these feelings go away or will it always be like this?? I am often told not to let him bother and get to me but I find it hard, I can't help it:( thank you for reading

You're doing everything right by not letting him have the opportunity to be in touch more than he absolutely has to. The upset and anger your describing I think (having experienced it myself) comes from the frustration of the injustice of the situation i.e. you have suffered in many ways and he is not suffering at all. I used to have vivid dreams where I'd be thumping my ex like a punch-bag and he would simply stand there looking faintly bored.... frustration.

Unless you reported the violence to the police, you're probably never going to get justice in the legal sense. He won't suffer the way you are suffering. You won't get apologies out of him. All you can reasonably do is stay out of contact, work on your self-confidence & build a better, separate life in which he features very little. You might also benefit in looking into the Freedom Programme which is aimed at survivors of abusive relationships. Other than that.... time heals. Good luck.

Thank you, that all makes sense, police were involved and he got a caution but it's like it doesn't matter now, he just doesn't seem to care and is just continuing as if it's all me-couldn't possibly be him

A man who treated you abusively never cared really. They tend to be extremely selfish and see others including partners as existing purely for their benefit. As long as you're toeing the line they tolerate you. Challenge them and you become the problem. Which is roughly where you are now. I think 'upset and cross' is a pretty normal reaction. Are you cross with yourself for having put up with it? I remember having 'flashbacks' for years where I would remember something else horrible he did, thinking 'why didn't I just walk?' and getting annoyed with myself all over again.

How long has it been since you split up?

Yes, exactly that,I remember many things and think why did I take it?etc only left 6months ago so it's not long but it was a long time coming

Then you have to be kind to yourself. Might be overstating it to call your experience 'post traumatic stress' but I think that's essentially what it is. The relief of survival, the anger at the mistreatment, the guilt/shame/disbelief/self-reproach of 'why did I take it?', 'why did I waste my time?'. But, if you'll allow the observation, you sound very self-aware and you correctly identify that he was at fault rather than blaming yourself. That's a pretty good place to be.

Do you have legal representation?

Thank you:) yes,my solicitor is great, my interests lie in what's best for dcs and she is with me on that-his lie with himself so only time will tell the outcome but I have made it quite clear I am prepared to go to court, quite proud of myself for that one:)