Help...suspected online cheating

[confused2014]

That's just it really. DP and I have been in long distance relationship. I have just moved to be with him. He lent me a spare phone (not in UK) until I have time to sort one out for myself. Maybe I shouldn't have done this, but I looked through the messages on there. Was just being nosey really, I didn't expect to find anything suspicious - he gave me the phone after all! But in sent items there were four messages to women's names. They all say this: 'Hi xxxx, it's Stephen. I saw your photos online. Is that really you? Can you tell me how much your services cost and if you have time today or tomorrow?'

Stephen is his middle name. I feel sick. Is this as bad as it looks? Have no idea what to do. He is still at work and will be there for a while. Part of me wants to call him now and ask for an explanation. Will be totally devastated if this is what I think it is. Should I confront him? Or ask to see his actual phone (I never look at it)? Never been in this situation and feel totally lost.

Had you met him before you moved there? What's the date on the messages they could be pre-you?

Yes, we were living together back at home for two years before he moved away for work. I couldn't join him until now because of my job. The messages are from November 2013 so definitely not pre-me :(

If you ask him about the messages, it's not likely that he'll tell the truth, so not much to gain from there. Unless you ask him in person and are able to see all his reactions.

If you still have the phone you can message or ring the numbers and ascertain what they are.

You realise these women are prostitutes?

In which case, I'd have nothing more to do with a man who pays for sex.

Yeah, I guess you're right Lweji. Maybe this is a discussion we need to have in person. Should I ask to see his phone? Was thinking I could bring it up as in 'is there anything you want to tell me?'

Ok, so I googled the number, together with the name of the girl in the message. It came up with an escort site that's near to where we live. I feel sick. No idea how to proceed from here. Of course I don't want to be with someone who uses prostitutes. But feel sick because we've been together for years and thought he was one of the good ones :(

Take your time. You don't have to decide tonight. Take stock and see how you feel tomorrow, or in a few days.

And have an STD check, just in case.

When confronted, he'll probably say he lent his phone to that co-worker Steve you've never heard him mention before.

I would be saying "I know you've paid women for sex so please don't make it any worse by insulting my intelligence with a lie"

But it's more urgent to get your health checked by a sex health physician.

yeah, you're right tonandfeather. feel awful, have really only just arrived in this country, know hardly anyone and no idea what to do. Almost feel like just going to the airport and taking the next flight back home. wish this wasn't happening.

It's a dreadful shock of course, but thankfully your instincts must have kicked in for you to check. It would have been worse if you'd never found out.

What's stopping you doing that - getting on a plane?

I don't know really, I guess nothing is stopping me apart from not being able to get my head around it all. I think I need to talk to him before anything else. And then probably get on a plane :(

I'm very sorry, but I think you are in danger of being sweet-talked and lied to.

My advice is hear his explanations, say nothing and then go back to wherever home is, to think.

That's good advice, thanks

Remember always that you are loved and that this man's actions do not define you or your worth. Value yourself as much as your loved ones do and don't short-change yourself, ever.

Thanks tonandfeather, really needed to hear that

Aww sorry to hear that the messages aren't pre-you. Even if they were he's still paid for sex

The clinic is your first concern. Please leave him asap. I'd do a bit more snooping first if you can? But that's just me.

Really sorry to hear about your dilemma confused.

Come home.

So sorry to hear this :( I know you're in shock but please leave him.

Come home.
He'll feed you a pack of lies. If he's really cornered he'll say what my ex did "OK, yes, the messages were to prostitutes but I never went through with it". (I was curious, my mate and I were having a laugh...) And you'll twist yourself in knots trying to make that acceptable.
Last time my ex pulled that line I simply said "but you do realise that's enough for me to leave you?"
Please don't stay with someone who can do this to you just because of the circumstance of moving there.
Pack up your bags, you don't even owe him a note, frankly.

Total deal breaker for me, I could never forgive or forget that.

What did you decide to do, OP? Hope you are ok.

Oh love! (((hug))) come home love!