Should I report him?

[tummybummer]

I will try to summarise briefly:

Whilst at uni I had a personal tutor assigned to look after my welfare. I couldn't get hold of him half the time so another tutor said I should switch to him and I did. Friendly guy, everyone liked him and we were quite friendly, chatted by text etc.

I was unwell with thyroid problems and quite bad anxiety. One night I had a huge panic attack whilst alone and had chest pains. Called an ambulance and my tutor. My uni was hundreds of miles from home btw. Paramedics came and reassured me. Tutor came round the next day to check on me, gave me a hug and then made a move on me (put his hand up my top). We then had sex and then continued to have sex a few more times over the weeks that followed. I felt like I was making choices and I was 20, not a child, but looking back I can see I was vulnerable and he was exploitative.

It was awful AWFUL sex. He was 26 years my senior and had problems getting it up. I was inexperienced and didn't enjoy it - never had an orgasm. Looking back I can see that the only reason I engaged in it was because I was needy of his attention/support as there was certainly no 'wild affair' or physical pleasure in it for me. At the time, though, I felt I was making choices, albeit horrendous ones, and was never forced or anything.

I put a stop to it and remained in uneasy contact with him (mostly as I was afraid he'd tell, as I had a boyfriend). Much later I found a list on his computer of women he'd slept with, including me and other students both before and after me.

When I left uni I cut all contact with him and everyone I went to uni with.

That was 8ish years ago (9/10 since the affair) and no contact since. It's all come flooding back to me recently, and I'm considering reporting him. He still works there and God knows how many are on his list by now.

Is it worth it though? Or will he just deny it and the uni won't be able to do anything, especially after all this time?

Thank you.

Relationships between students and tutors do develop sometimes and they are all above the age of consent. When this happens and is genuine - ie not an abuse of power and trust - then the tutor in question should register it in some way - different places have different procedures - and steps are taken to remove all pastoral care and responsibility for grading work. Straight teaching can continue as long as another tutor grades any work.

It sounds lie your experience was a long way from this OP. If you feel able, I'd report it to the uni but in the context that you don't want anyone else to be in a similar position.

Good luck.

I agree with Kemmo that some of the responses here have been shocking. Partly because posters seem to be unaware of the rules around student-tutor relationships at uni.

The list on his PC indicates that the OP was not a one off and that this man is using the uni as a pool for sexual encounters.

Part of his paid job at the university was to look after vulnerable students. Not sleep with them.

Exactly. I recall your earlier thread, there was a whole list of students that he had slept with.

Do report him. At least then the university could chose someone more appropriate to look after students that are vulnerable.

I would also report it.

Tutors shouldn't have relationships with students - it's just wrong. Particularly when there was such a big age difference.

If you were close in age to your tutor (maybe a young tutor or a mature student) and you realised that there was a mutual attraction growing between you then that's one thing. Still not acceptable - if it's that big a deal then either you wait until the end of the course - I know one person that did this - they were friends but didn't actually link up until after the student had graduated; they were also very similar in age, had lots of similar out of uni interests etc, but they still recognised that they didn't want to get together while they were tutor/student. It's not ideal, but you can't help who you fall in love with, and this couple did go on to get married, have kids and a happy ever after.

However - it is a completely different thing when the tutor abuses his position of trust to prey sexually on vulnerable young students. If he genuinely wanted to see how you were he wouldn't have stuck his hand up your top - not like it's a recommended treatment for a panic attack - he would have spoken to you, reassured you, might have given you a fatherly hug when he arrived or left, but that would have been it. Sex shouldn't have been anywhere on his mind.

He knew exactly what he was doing when he pounced on you. If you had gone to the doctor the day after your attack and he (for the purposes of this example!) stuck his hand up your top and said that he thought that sex would be a good idea - you would have run a mile. The fact that he was your tutor and had probably been grooming you without your realising, plus him being in a position of power over you - and by extension, control over your university results and thus any knock on effects into the future based on your grades - it's a completely different thing to the example I gave above.

Had you ever thought about sex with him before he stuck his hand up your top and you felt obliged to? (Not that that matters, but it just goes to show that you weren't thinking about him in relationship terms ifkwim).

It sounds like you have spoken to somebody at the student union. Don't dismiss reporting him - if you saw the 'I've slept with...' document on his computer then there's a chance that the document is still there - if he's stupid/big headed/etc enough to prey on vulnerable students and make a list of it, there's a good chance that he will carry on adding to his list rather than get rid of it. Do you remember anything about it at all - the name of the document, where it was in his file structure, even the approximate date that you saw it? Or any of the other names on it? I'm guessing that there's a good chance that if it was on his uni PC then he would have had to have had all his files backed up somewhere so there is a chance that it is a) still there being updated and b) even if he has taken it off, old copies exist on back ups or on a home computer.

If the uni can surprise him and look at his computer(s) before he gets wind that he is being looked at, they may well find something before he can delete it.

He kept records of his student sexual conquests on crime shows, keeping lists of and/or a little token from your crime is always a sign of a baddie! - he was 20-30 years older than most of his students - he made the first move on you - and when you were in an incredibly vulnerable state - again, it's not like you had been out at a party together and one thing led to another - there are no signals that you were giving out that you wanted sex or a relationship with this man and yet he still went for you.

There are so many red flags here that if you were reading this as somebody else's post or saw it on the news or as a story line in a cop show - you wouldn't think twice to say that the lecturer was hugely wrong.

As it is - you are caught up in the middle of it and things and so it's not easy to see quite how badly this man treated you - not surprising as it's not nice to think that you have been badly treated like this.

It's great you're going to see a therapist and are thinking of discussing this with her. That's already 3 steps along the road!

Do think about reporting him though - it will be difficult but hopefully it will give you some comfort when you have done so.

Thank you all. Especially you zipzap for your lovely, in-depth response.

I don't remember the name of the file. It was on his personal laptop and password protected but he'd given me his iTunes password and it was the same. Whatever the document was called it must have been telling because I opened it.

I've made the next step - an enquiry to the registrar about whether I can do an official complaint after all this time. Briefly outlined situation.

I feel so upset and angry when I think about this. I know it's largely my own fault but it ruined my uni experience and very nearly my life. :(

Thank you OP - I was worried you would think I was waffling on a bit as I might have a tendency to do too often.

But please - reread that last sentence of yours. You have every right to be upset and angry when you think about this. You should be - it was a horrible thing that happened to you. But please don't think that it was in any way, shape or form your fault. It wasn't. When you opened the door and saw the tutor standing there, I bet you didn't for a moment think 'whey hey, you're here at my house and we can have sex before you leave'. I reckon it would be a pretty safe bet to say that the above thought hadn't crossed your mind. Chances are the most you were thinking about offering him was a cup of tea (or coffee) and maybe a biscuit or maybe not.

If he hadn't made the first move and been in a position of power over you, none of the rest of it would have happened. It's really really not your fault. Any of it, even after the first time. Please tell your self this and give yourself permission to stop blaming yourself for the actions of this predator on a vulnerable student.

And well done on taking the next step - each step is going to make you stronger and stronger and give you more control over the situation. Remember to take care of yourself though...