so lonely

[DuskAndShiver]

this is an ongoing thing but being away for work is making it more obvious.

dp doesn't really talk to me. is a bit monosyllabic often. often ignores chatty emails, sometimes it comes out later that he liked them or found them funny but at the time I feel deflated because I sent it because I thought it was funny or charming or interesting and get nothing back.

I am away for a week which is the longest I have left my kids and that feels very weird. got a nasty stomach bug, was violently ill on the plane, had a horrific palaver getting to the hotel which was scary at night time in a big city and it actually took 4 hours. By which time I had been up for 26 hours. not a good day. Since then I have been working 18 hour days, jetlagged, and still fucking ill - shaky and nauseous and everything I attempt to eat goes wrong in one way or another (ahem).

dp has been making cute videos of the dds to send me and I love them and I appreciate them but he doesn't seem to want to talk to me himself. I have sent him chatty little conversation openers when I know he is at a computer and he ignores them. I have been careful not to moan but he knows I am ill. And he hasn't said anything sympathetic. I don't know anyone here very well and have no one else to tell I am ill and I have to be professional. I spend all day working and all night being ill and wishing I had someone to talk to - which is awake time in his time zone at home - and I get nothing.

Is this normal? Is there anything I can do about it?
I suspect myself of being melodramatic because I am not feeling well
Also think I should back off to get some attentino maybe but probably he wouldn't notice

The whole thing with the videos from the dds (which I love getting) is like we are separated co-parents. there is something so hands off about it - it's almost like he is politely saying, "they love you, I don't, but it is my job to help them tell you they love you"

"Is there anything I can do about it?"

Stop wishing and messing about with conversation openers, start talking and start demanding some kind of response. No, it's not normal for someone close to know you're unwell and never ask how you are. But, by the same token, it's not normal to just suck it up, say nothing and wonder if you're being melodramatic.

An absent-minded male friend forgot my birthday last year. The text I sent him was something along the lines of .... 'Oi ! Is my card in the post or am I supposed to be mortally offended that you forgot?! ' Cue HUGE bunch of flowers at the door the next day

So no more 'it's almost like he is politely saying'..... second-guessing and assumption of motives. If you want a conversation, just tell him... 'I'm sick, miserable, lonely and I'm pissed off that you don't seem to want to talk to me.'

No, it's not normal.
When you love someone, you are meant to care about them. Doesn't matter if it's your children, your mother, your dog, or your partner - if someone you love is ill or unhappy it should bother you, and if they're happy you should be happy for them, etc.

So it's not melodramatic to expect someone you love to be concerned about you, if you've had a rotten journey and feel ill.

Why doesn't he talk to you or respond to you in general? Has he ever explained his behaviour?

I guess it depends what he's like when you're together. My dh sends me videos of dd if I'm away but I see it as romantic because he knows I love it. Plus he's not great on the phone.
BUT I've never had a reason to analyse this because I always feel loved and cared for and he takes an interest. We make sure we're a couple as well as parents.
So I suppose that I'm saying that the punts you have mentioned could be perfectly normal but in the context of your relationship- and you are obviously feeling insecure- perhaps it isn't.
However you feel is on though- you're not being silly or overdramatic if that's how you feel. You have every right to feel insecure and part of his role should be ensuring that you know how much he loves you etc etc. But you might have to tell him rather than expecting him to read your mind.

Wait until you get back, right now tell your employer you are ill keep hydrated and if you still feel rubbish tomorrow down tools and rest.

When you are home and feeling better, get some time to talk honestly with DP. Tell him you are scared you are drifting apart. Outline what you said here. Distance and remoteness. Ask him if there is something you can both do to make things better.

Thanks everyone.

I will try to talk to him. I think he thinks I should be having a brilliant time while he looks after the kids. I feel .... ungrateful.

Nearly threw up in someone's very posh car today! Took several deep breaths and felt myself go very green and clammy. I still have a handy sick bag though from the plane and that gave me a great sense of security. I may keep one on me at all times in future.

'I think he thinks......'

There you go again. You're not a mind-reader and neither is he. So rather than thinking what he's thinking, making assumptions and fretting over the imaginary..... deal with the reality and talk!

I thought it was a really nice thing to do sending you videos of the DCs. But that's not enough and you want more. I don't know how you and he are together or what is at the bottom of this thread. Do you mind me saying you sound pulled in two directions?

You miss him and want to be closer.
There is some resentment simmering.

Was he against you working abroad? Is he normally the big earner, is it a status thing with him? Or do you feel he is punishing you for something else?

Hope you feel better today, horrible being less than 100% far fom home when you have deadlines and want to put in a good performance.

Thanks.
Yes it was a lovely thing to send the videos, he knows I will love to see them and I am not remotely complaining about that! I looked forward to them.

Talking - yes, the only answer - but he doesn't talk much - and I have a tendency to try to talk too much I think - it feels like I am smothering him or something. don't know. not a mind reader as pointed out above.... reduced to trying to be a clairvoyant in the absence of actual information