Dealing with the aftermath of toxic parents?

theeverydaydancer · 2014-01-16T12:33:34+00:00

I have been NC with my toxic parents since September last year (the best thing I ever did). I have no intention of ever seeing them again but I am still dealing with the consequences of their behaviour towards me. Not just in my low self esteem but also in acute anger that just flares up quite often. This anger seems like it has nowhere to go as they are just these blank walls that don't respond to my emotions other than to say that everything I say is wrong. For years I held the anger inside of me, self medicating with drink, fags and self harming (all of which I don't do anymore). All this emotion is now on the surface and I don't know how to deal with it [sad]. I've had shitloads of counselling, I do regular exercise, I write it all out - nothing seems to work [sad]

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 16/01/2014 12:41

What kind of counselling have you had?

bongobaby · 16/01/2014 12:41

You have taken the first step in having gone non contact with them which will be good for you. I also have gone nc with my toxic mother although she had surfacd recently and completely threw me off balance. making me feel angry and hurt as I had blocked out her actions towards me. Do you have anyone in rl to speak to? A partner close friend?
None of your parents actions are your fault but theirs alone.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/01/2014 13:00

Sounds like, on some level, you're still hoping for them to say 'we're sorry' or some other kind of acknowledgement. 'No contact' takes them physically out of your immediate life which is a good start, but it takes a lot longer than a year to - using the word in a non-religious context - forgive.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 16/01/2014 13:56

Four months is no time at all. Give yourself time, and fill that time with people and things that are meaningful to you.

You have a lot of anger to resolve, its intended targets don't want to know, so you're stuck doing the work of processing that anger on your own.

It will take time, and you focussing on building a life along your own design.

You'll get there.

x

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 16/01/2014 13:58

ps: look how far you've come already: no more self harm, drink or fags, taking positive steps such as exercise, counselling and writing, and going NC. You're already on the path to resolving this. Give yourself kudos.

MistressDeeCee · 16/01/2014 15:00

Well done OP. Youve come far. I hope you have good and supportive friends to talk to and be with, to get you through this difficult time. My OH is NC with his father (mother passed away a long time ago, stepmother verbally abusive and aggressive) so, Im trying to help him deal with the aftermath at present. Its hard. Just have to have faith. Its good that youve posted on MN, you'll get some good advice here.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 16/01/2014 15:44

Regarding the emotion you have on the surface that you don't know how to deal with, when I felt like that I punched pillows, lobbed old plates at my garden wall, and a couple times walked deep into the hills to shout where no-one could hear me.

What I'm saying is, it may help to work off some of that aggression physically, beyond exercising. There are plenty of ways that won't cause injury or disturbance.

something2say · 16/01/2014 18:15

When I had to live with the same burden, I walked around angry for a long time. It came, and it stayed. The acceptance of it was what made it go away. I also cried a lot. I felt as tho I had wasted a lot of time trying to get them to change and since the problems were about them not me, I was not successful in making them change, so I gave up, and that's what hurt. It does pass though. I also found that saying the truth of how I felt to myself a lot was really helpful. I said to myself 'I have lost EVERYTHING!!!' So many times and for so long, that eventually that feeling passed away and has never come back. A new feeling replaced it.

Just hold on and struggle through. And try to find that saying that crystallizes how you feel. You deserve it x

ilovemikehunt · 16/01/2014 19:13

I had the same anger after I went non contact. It will be 5 years this year. The anger has lessened over the years and with the emotional and physical distance. It still comes and goes occasionally. This is how I tried to rationalise my anger:

It's like any toxin that your body is trying to get rid of. Alcohol, tobacco, heroin....if you were heavily dependent on these substances and you suddenly went cold turkey, your body would have a massive reaction and an unpleasant one - more unpleasant than the side effects of actually taking the toxin. So it is with the toxic parents. They are your parents an integral part of your being. They have been slowly poisoning you for years and you've tolerated it, they've given you a few "hangovers", made you feel dreadful, but you got past it and went back for more. You've continued to play your role in the family dynamic even though it's been damaging you.

You've gone cold turkey now, and all the toxin is flooding out of your body- the toxin being the many years of pent up anger and feelings.

Couple this with grief that you have lost (and probably never had a real) family, despair that you will never be able to get answers or resolution or apologies, and realisation of the astonishing waste of your life caring for these bastards, it's no wonder you are angry. It's perfectly normal.

It's a good thing that this stuff is coming out of your system, just channel it in a way that doesn't damage you and the good people around you. Easier said than done, I know. Try to make your life now the best that you can because that's the best "revenge", and the best way of celebrating the fact that you are no longer part of their squalid, fucked up world.

ilovemikehunt · 16/01/2014 19:13

I had the same anger after I went non contact. It will be 5 years this year. The anger has lessened over the years and with the emotional and physical distance. It still comes and goes occasionally. This is how I tried to rationalise my anger:

It's like any toxin that your body is trying to get rid of. Alcohol, tobacco, heroin....if you were heavily dependent on these substances and you suddenly went cold turkey, your body would have a massive reaction and an unpleasant one - more unpleasant than the side effects of actually taking the toxin. So it is with the toxic parents. They are your parents an integral part of your being. They have been slowly poisoning you for years and you've tolerated it, they've given you a few "hangovers", made you feel dreadful, but you got past it and went back for more. You've continued to play your role in the family dynamic even though it's been damaging you.

You've gone cold turkey now, and all the toxin is flooding out of your body- the toxin being the many years of pent up anger and feelings.

Couple this with grief that you have lost (and probably never had a real) family, despair that you will never be able to get answers or resolution or apologies, and realisation of the astonishing waste of your life caring for these bastards, it's no wonder you are angry. It's perfectly normal.

It's a good thing that this stuff is coming out of your system, just channel it in a way that doesn't damage you and the good people around you. Easier said than done, I know. Try to make your life now the best that you can because that's the best "revenge", and the best way of celebrating the fact that you are no longer part of their squalid, fucked up world.

OnBoard · 16/01/2014 19:19

I did the exercises in John Bradshaw's 'healing the inner child' after i went NC, it seemed to help.

Original poster

theeverydaydancer · 16/01/2014 20:28

I think I perhaps hoped that if I just cut them out that would be that but obviously its not that simple. In fact it feels like one of the first steps.

I keep getting waves of anxiety, anger, irritibility etc. It does feel a bit like my body and soul is trying to detoxify. I suppose I just need to ride it out. I've been feeling like this for about 2 weeks now and it is driving me mad. I'm so exhausted with it. I think Christmas really flared it up - the realisation that I don't have a family anymore (even if they were shit).

OP posts:

Hissy · 16/01/2014 20:43

As has been said, anger is all part of this, you have a right to it, so let it out.

Discuss your anger with your therapist if you can, examine the reasons for is and give the child they hurt the 'there-there' she needed.

Christmas was hurtful, but I was blessed in that they pulled a spectacularly shitty stunt on me and my ds (police called etc) that on 'the big day' I felt no guilt at all.

something2say · 17/01/2014 07:08

I remember being very scared about having an accident and no one being there for me. It does pass tho x two,weeks is nothing x

Hissy · 17/01/2014 07:46

Being ill is shit.

But when my ex left and I was running a fever with tonsillitis, despite them being 15mins away, no call, no offer to do school run. Fuck all.

everydaydancer be kind to yourself, all of this is normal, and will pass. The longer you fight it and tell yourself that you don't have a right to your feelings, the longer it will drag out.

Meerka · 17/01/2014 09:26

How to deal with it ? (and like everyone says, it's natural. Anger is there to give us the energy to change things that badly need changing).

Always struggled badly with this myself. nothign really is a cure, but things that help a bit:

regular exercise (you post you're doing that)
having a partner you can talk to and, for me, a skilled therapist who managed to get me to see how angry I was, and how destructive my anger was being
not burying it. If you are dead angry, going for a run or something. Swimming, for me. Now and then I match olympic speeds when I'm really burningly angry
loud music. Just don't ruin your eardrums
thinking about it carefully - acknowledging, when you throat starts closing and the blood races and everything seems to sharpen in your vision, that this is very reasonable anger and also, that you are living in the here and now, they are not here, you have taken action (cut them off or whatever) and that you are moving on. Taking a bit of power back seems to help.

Dunno if any of these can help, I hope so.