IS IT WRONG FOR ME TO WANT DH TO HELP ME WITH THE KIDS AFTER WORK

[Toady]

Please can anyone give me their honest opinions.

We have three children, age 9, 2.7 and 7 months who are obviously hard work, stressful, but good fun. DH and I take it in turns each night and morning to get up so the other one can have a reasonable nights sleep. DH works from 9 - 5.30, and comes home about 6pm. From 6pm - 8pm we are generally tidying up etc and then putting the kids to bed. If all goes well we can actually sit down at 8pm.

I would never arrange to go out earlier than 7.30pm/8pm because it would obviously be hard work for DH to put the kids to bed on his own after a a long day at work, is it wrong of me to expect DH to do the same for me.

What,you mean he is going out and leaving you to do bedtime alone?
If so,it is only fair if you also have the same chance.

wow sounds like you and your hubby have a very good relationship and really respect each other.well done you two.

has your hubby arranged to go out early then?praps a one off would be ok

I can't see anything wrong with him going out earlier occasionally, and likewise you going out earlier occasionally too. I am sure you are both capable of putting the children to bed alone. As long as it is an occasional thing.

You sound like you are pretty organised in sharing the 'tasks' type stuff, so surely you could allow each other to a night off every now and then if the favours are returned?

Has he stated that he doesn't want you doing it? if so then its unfair for him to. If he hasn't said you can't then sounds fine to me.

I would have thought if it was an occasional thing, it shouldn't be a problem. If it was most nights, I'd whinge like made

mad - even!!

Nope! They're his kids too.

But you take an equal share from what you've written!!

I think this should be entitled 'Is it wrong for my dh to have the occasional night out leaving me to the bedtime routine'.

In which case the answer is yes (as it would be for you)

You're very lucky having a dh that works such short hours!
mY DH HELPS OUT AS MUCH AS HE CAN AT HOME, EVEN WHEN HE'S KNACKERED. wE'VE FALLEN INTO A RUOTINE OF ONE CHild each. But I do hate doing bedtime alone when he's not here.!
We see it as kids are my job when he's at his job, then we share when both at home.

oops... sorry about the random caps!

ref my earlier post, Is it wrong? No, I should've typed No.

No I don't think it's wrong that each of you can have an occasional 'night off' if you wanted to go out etc.
My dh works 9-5 and is home around half 5, so we are similar to you (except we only have one!). He will sometimes come home and take ds out to the park and spend an hour there so I can get tea ready in peace and I usually get in the bath whilst tea is cooking!
Dh will also go to pub couple of evenings a week so its left to me to put ds to bed, obviously one is easier than 3 at bedtime. When I go out with the girls on a Friday night I will leave dh to do bedtime.
You both sound like you are working well together, so good on you!

we've got a routine whereby I do the tea, dh comes home and then takes over while i have my sit down with a glass of wine time and he does bath and bed for both. sometimes he works late and then will just take over at whatever time he gets in. and sometimes he's in too late or occasionally wants to go out, but will always check with me first. i don't see it as a problem occasionally (obviously he can't help working late, i mean about the social stuff) because he pulls his weight whenever he's here.

in answer to your question, depends if it's a regular thing or occasional. on the other side of things, i also have the odd evening where i want to do something social and he does tea, bath and bed on his own, so it's give and take. I certainly don't feel guilty about it when he's left on his own - helps him understand why i need my 'wine' time!

Toady, talk to your DH. Tell him that you really appreciate all he does but would love it if you could reassess the bedtime routine duties etc. It doesn?t need to be a "who does the most" thing, just an honest chat about how you could improve things so that you get a fair amount of me time.

My DH is here ALL the time (home office). Sounds great hey? No way! He is always only "half" here IYKWIM. He is brilliant with the children and gets to see so much of them growing up but has this lovely "get out clause" when there are jobs he can?t be bothered with/doesn?t want to do and can mutter "mmm, must make that phone call/check my email/send a file.." and scuttles off. I feel I can never challenge it as he does a lot - yet it infuriates me. Especially when it is a Saturday afternoon and I want a family walk or Sunday evening and both kids are playing me up and I am trying to cook dinner etc etc. I guess I am trying to say that there is no perfect set up with working hours and shared duties. I am telling you this as I feel my comment to talk to your Dh about it is a good one but is rather hypocritical as I am a "put up with it" girl in real life

Dh and I have a similar arrangement to yours but it's not set in stone. I usually do an evening class which means I have to leave the house at 6.30pm, dh doesn't mind me going and I wouldn't expect him to. He will also occasionally go for a drink after work etc and leave me to do the teatime/bedtime stuff.

It's only a problem if it becomes a regular/frequent thing for either partner imo.

Thanks everyone, I think it works really well too, thing is we do argue about it, DH says that "normal blokes" would not do this and I should appreciate him more. We Had an arguement about it this morning . He has also said in the past that woman are better at this sort of thing (still doesn't mean I dont need a break) because we have boobs which tbh i find quite funny actually.

Will sit down and speak to him tonight about it see if we can come to an amicable arrangement.

Thanks all

Ahh yes, boobs give us many miraculous talents... multitasking, breastfeeding, being diddled out of manly rights

(I suppose they also give us the ability to diddle men out of things too )

Toady - I find bedtime alone with two kids a bit of a nightmare. Youngest is just a baby though.
Thus, I wouls accept in case of real need that DH would go somewhere else. Otherwise, no. It is his job to llok afetr his kid as much as mine.

In my case, we both work during the day, and we both should take care of the kids when at home.

But even if I stayed at home, I would say that * hours of looking after the kid is YOUR job, and it should end just like his, at 5-6 PM!

You could point out how much would it cost to have someone else to look after your children, and how lucky HE is for having you to do it for free....

Good luck!

FullOfTestosterone

Yes it is difficult isnt it thing is my 7 month old needs 1/2 hour away from other children to settle down and go sleep whilst 2.7 year old wants loads of attention, let alone my poor 9 year old who is very good at sorting himself out.

Moomin said " I certainly don't feel guilty about it when he's left on his own - helps him understand why i need my 'wine' time!"

I think thats the problem I would feel guilty if I left him on his own so I dont, I think I will talk to him about this "wine time" sounds good

Hattie05

When I have mentioned going out before kids go to bed DH kind of goes pale and looks ill, this is also the reason I have not gone back to work because I could do evening shifts starting at 6pm but DH does not think he will cope yet, thats fine by me at the moment but will have to go back some time.

Like everyone said we have got a very good relationship and this issue does not come up very often 1) we do not have much money and 2) we are too bloody knackered to do anything at the end of the day

LOL

It is deffo his job to do half the work from the time he leaves work until the time he goes back. Does he come in and thank you for looking after his kids all day?

I think you should establish a schedule. Say one night a month you go out at 6:00, and one night he gets to come home late.

Does he share the work on the weekends? Or is Saturday HIS day to sleep in?

"DH says that "normal blokes" would not do this and I should appreciate him more"

Bless him..!! My dh says exactly the same..!! TBH your relationship sounds very similar to ours. DH works and I'm a sahm BUT dh is out between 5.30am-7/8pm and once home he is brillaint help with dd. He has to see her before she goes to bed and if home in time he does help with her night bottle and outting into bed and story. At weekends we share things and we both get a rest iykwim. I think it works really well and suits us. DH does go out more than I do and is due away for a stag weekend in 2 weeks time. I'm not looking forward to this as it means I have dd alone basically for 2 whole weeks. !! .

DH and I have a different relationship to our friends and I am aware that dh does do alot more than his friends with dd and around the home. The comment your dh made is exactly what my dh says..! " xxx doesn't do half as much as I do" etc..!

TBH usually neither of us goes out alone or together without putting dd into bed so out nights out usually start from 7.30pm ish.
If it's the odd time that he wants to go out earlier then fair enough but imo if it's more regular and you don't get the same chance then it's not fair.

I think working a 9-5 job is just as demanding as being a sahm. It's just as tiring as well oh and I wish I got the £20k salary with it .

(Hi Uwila..not heard from you recently. Hope you are well..may05 thread.xx)

Message withdrawn

your DH is wrong .. it is normal for DH's to come home from work and help with kids and housework .. IMO

Yes, i think its okay for him, as long as its okay for you. There should be a balance imo.