My husband loves me but it's not enough

[forevermore]

I am not sure if I'm going through a midlife crisis. But I want to leave my husband. I have two children in primary school and we have been together for 16 years. I am nearly 40. My husband shares 50% of childcare bills and until recently 0% of the thinking (I recently downed tools as it were). I feel bogged down. Don't look forward to coming home just work and workout. I am becoming more focused in my attractiveness to other men and don't care that my husband says in fantastic and he treats me well. I just want to feel butterflies again. I don't want sex with him and I don't feel that he's my protector. I just want to feel like a woman. What is that even. I have been to counselling and been feeling this way for over a year. We have had a great relationship for 14 out of the 16 years and he is my first and only love. Have i just grown up? How do i make this last. I wanted to grow old with him. But now feel lost/depressed/scared of a life alone (I have never lived by myself and it would be sooo hard financially). Any advice on moving forward appreciated.

minime exactly the same as me? DH just decided that he doesn't love me and we are in the process of an inevitable separation. DS will be devastated, it will really mess everything up with schools etc.

OP think long and hard - you would be much better fighting for your family than having your head turned by a bit of flattery from other men.

Thank you all. I have been busy with after school clubs. The quotes given were quite profound. And yes the focus needs to shift to me.

Just wondering how you are forevermore ?

Hello just thought I would return to this because I have been very low recently. I have started taking st johns wort just to help with sleep and low mood. In a cycle of binge eating then going crazy at the gym

What's driving me crazy is my decision of sorts to sticking out and see if things improve (as too much is good to throw away) whilst conscious of time ticking by and life leaving me by IFYSWIM. I read threads in here all the time which makes things harder. I never have had to suffer from any forms of abuse or had reasons to think of infidelity. He is a wonderful father and treats me really well. Works all day. Home to cook bathe children. Then DIY all weekend. That sort of man. But I just can't stop thinking of being whisked away by some sophisticated dynamic man who is the complete opposite to my DH. Who want me to look pretty. Take me on dates. Not treat me like a princess all the time and demand I step up to the plate for a change. Stimulate me with conversation and generally be a breath of fresh air who I run to come home to after work (like I used to do with DH). It is really one big fantasy. But I can't help but replay it over and over and feel so so low when I compare to the life I currently lead. I just want to be happy with my DH and kids and nice home occasional holidays and good standard of living with everyday struggles (like I used to be). My friend thinks I'm like the rich kids that self destructs with drug usage. In other words I can appreciate the good relationship and it's mundanity so I am looking to inject some excitement and risk it all. Maybe

how old were you when you got together. Did you have much freedom before you met and married
do you get much time together and have regular date nights?
the men who always compliment and seem more interested are only probably interested in one thing. You may find you will never meet someone like your DH again, as someone said it's not always greener.

Not being rude but you sound like just another case of a woman who craves a bit of drama in her life .

Why don't you let him be in charge. Unless they are health and safety issues, let him take charge of the 'thinking' and let him deal with whatever consequences if he messes up.

One test is how would you feel if your DH got close to someone. If you feel indifferent then your marriage is over, but if you feel something then work on your marriage.

One thing for sure if your DH is a good man, he will not be single for a long time.

Is it worth exploring other ways of injecting excitement into your day to day routine without using the nuclear option. I am not talking about an affair but moving house/buying a do-er upper or a totally out of the ordinary hobby or even doing a degree or something of that nature.

God I know shat you mean with 0% of the thinking !

It us something I am working on in my marriage.

I don't crave attention from other men though, flirting is so easy abd meaningless. I guess I do flirt a bit, but in a harmless way (banter?).

Anyway, if I fantasize about donething it is being alone for a bit ! Just some headspace, am always planning sveryone 's meals, activities, socisl life, holidays, ILs, presents and birthdays.

It makes me cross at times and I almost threw a plate today (... Pathetic)

I started hearing the Pina Colada song in my head. The moral of that story being the couple didn't communicate what they wanted so how could the other know how to "fix" it.

Right now you're thinking about you you you. How about you send the kids to a friends for the night and you have a conversation with your husband about how you're starting to feel like you need more excitement.

He'll probably ask you what you think needs to change so have some ideas. You also need to stop going out and encouraging other people. If you move your focus outside it's hard to get it back inside.

Thanks for your comments. I know I need to communicate more and let him take charge. Which I'm starting to do. It is me me me at the moment because I thinks it's been all about family for so Long. He's my first real boyfriend who I then married. We were/are soul mates. Adored him no end. I miss that feeling and need to somehow embrace the longevity of a relationship. I didn't 'kiss any frogs' just met Prince Charming at the aged of 20; so do feel I missed out on the emotional development that comes with heartbreak as it were. The answer is not outside interests in someone else. I know that. It was just an obvious solution (go out and flirt a little) to my feeling of being stuck in a rut. But I am exploring outside interests. I used to do a lot of sport so looking at doing that again. I can't study anymore. I was at Uni for six years so highly educated and couldnt face anymore studies. Just need to explore and rediscover who I am.

Preciousbane ironically I have had a similar background. I went the entire different direction to what I had known. Therefore never had boyfriends and was a bookworm. Met DH when still a virgin and he was so stable sexy and exciting to be with and I fell inlove for the first time. Roll on 17 years and here I am thinking all I tried to avoid has now left me wanting as an adult and not in touch with reality

Forevermore, lots of people are still with their first boyfriend, well, lots that I know anyway.

It seems to eb almost compulsory today to have about 8 short/long relationships before you settle down. That is the new "normal", and I guess people like you and me are made to feel we have somehow missed out?

Yes I have spent the last 17 years meeting numerous boyfriends from my girlfriends I've know from university. And it feels almost unsophisticated to have met 'the one' so young and to not have 'enjoyed' the rollercoaster of relationships. I guess many of my friends would love to have met 'the one' when I did too so I guess it's the 'grass is greener' syndrome. In my industry women don't have children very much (careers came first) and I was certainly a bit of trailblazer in my dept so that also feels quite 'lonely'. My DH doesn't understand my work much less understand how lonely I have been. He is 'blue collar' and always thinks I am just sitting on my arse so a big 'issue' has been me trying to make him understand the 'mental energy' of my work which takes it's toll whilst trying to run a home and a family. I don't clock in and out and I am always accountable and have been known to take laptop on holiday which he thinks is laughable. This built resentment on my part. I wished I had married someone with a career rather than a job so I had someone who could empathise. But c'est la vie. I married for love....

I think no matter what career you have, you should be able to go on holiday and not take your laptop. This would really piss me off if my OH did this.

You sound like you think you're above him.

Want trying to be arrogant or think I'm above him. Just trying to sound out areas where we have grown apart through misunderstandings. Many of my colleagues bring laptops on holiday. Nature of the game unfortunately.

just in case it helps forevermore, we went to our first counselling session last night. it was hard and sad and tiring, but for the first time I am feeling a little bit hopeful that we can be more than we are. We've had an enormous number of 'life events' in our past 10 years, and I don't think either of us have realised the toll those have taken. I certainly feel no shame in having ended up where we are at the moment, and I don't know if we could have done anything any differently. I do know that I need to give us a chance, and having a skilled expert facilitate our conversation was amazingly helpful. I hope you are feeling a bit less fed up this week.