Wife's fantasies

[FatherJake]

OK tricky one this and first time thread starter. My wife and I have always had a good love life - a few times a week. And we have both always been quite vocal. The reason for my question is that when she's really enjoying herself the fantasies she is expressing almost always involve playing a cheap escort, being forcibly used against her will by anonymous men in bars or in an alley, being hired out to hotel rooms etc. Now while things are going on we're both really enjoying ourselves and I am happily joining in but afterwards it does give me a slight uneasiness. But I am reluctant to bring it up because I don't think we should have to hide our fantasies to avoid offending the other person- i'm no prude and the bedroom is meant to be fun.

In all other ways and in her behaviour with other men she has never even remotely given me any cause of concern and certainly there has never been any similar discussions in 'real life'. Can we both continue to enjoy these fantasies without me being concerned and without impacting on our actual life together?

Of course you can.

She is having those fantasies in a safe environment with the man she loves.
Very different scenario if they were not fantasies IYSWIM.

I think you must have to have total trust in your partner to vocalise and act out those sort of fantasies.

Are you happy with your sex life, other than the uneasiness?

I agree with paxtecum

There's a vast difference between fantasy and what you actually want to do in RL.

Thanks both, that's good to hear. Yes, sex life is generally good - as I say quite fantasy orientated but that's fine by me. So no issues, just wanted to check I shouldn't be concerned.

I'd find it quite disturbing if a partner could only really enjoy sex when it involved victim based fantasy, if a woman was posting on here that her husband only really enjoyed rape fantasy sex, there would be all sorts of alarm bells and most people would see him as abusive and or/dangerous.

I feel that one of the problems with heavy fantasy reliance is that it removes all intimacy and the deep connection that "normal" ( for want of a better word) sex brings.

I'd see it as avoiding proper intimacy and that's where the uneasy feelings come from imho.
I'm not averse to a bit of role playing but it would worry me if that became the main focus of enjoyment.

It's normal. The whole point of fantasy is that it's something you would never do in real life. If you're worried and want to put in in context, you might consider reading Nancy Friday's My Secret Garden.

Im with paxtecum on this one. Your DW is acting out these fantasies whilst with you, and its whilst she's with you she's turned on. People have sexual fantasies theyd NEVER truly act out, your wife isn't unique in this. As disturbing as her fantasies may sound, the mind isnt always our friend as it were, and can push all sorts of buttons regarding sexuality. This doesnt make your wife a bad person. Its a shame you are disturbed though, OP - Im thinking, she must have felt safe & secure enough to share her fantasies with you, so whats changed? Did you let her feel such fantasies were ok with you when really, they weren't? If so, would have been best to express that initially. Not sure how you'd get around your feeling unless you're able to broach the subject with your DW. Dont let anyone disturb you further by implying your DW is bad in any way, though. She isnt. & by far not the only woman who has what some would call 'impure thoughts' in this way. But if you really can't shake the 'bad' thoughts then speak with her.

You don't want to get stuck in a rut (haha, see the pun?). It would be a shame if you can't do loving, intimate sex too. Also try swapping sub/dom roles occasionally as otherwise it gets boring. Variety, as always, adds spice.

She doesn't really want to be assaulted, she is role playing with you. Those MPs who get whipped by leather clad ladies wouldn't give up an inch of real life power - they just enjoy their kink.

Whatever you do don't set up a 'surprise' situation that allows her to act out her fantasies in real life!!!!

Fantasies are great, it says a lot for you that she can share this with you.

The only issue I can see is if fantasies take over the sex life so that sex as an expression of love becomes infrequent. Sex can, and should, be love and lust but the lust should be on a foundation of love.

I can understand your uneasiness. Have you shared this with your partner? She may be able to reassure you.

Thanks all. I think that's all I needed to hear and I can let it go now. Nothing has generally bothered me about it - and as I say, I do enjoy it as well - I suppose I just wanted reassurance that this could happily coexist with a happy marriage. It is possible that our sex life isn't romantically intimate but then we do connect romantically in other ways (nice dinners, lazing in bed etc).

I certainly won't be arranging any 'surprises' and I also don't want to share these thoughts with my wife. Some things are good to discuss but I do feel that if I bring this up it will spoil something that's doesn't need to be spoiled.

Wouldn't worry. Sure, she's got fantasies that squick you (had a GF once whose fantasies were genuinely horrifying) but that's normal. Submissive women (which it sounds like your DW is) are often really, really into the gross-out humiliation stuff. Let her fantasise, just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's wrong.

Just to second what others have said: fantasy is fantasy! It's exciting precisely BECAUSE it's not real. I think for women in particular, the imagination is a very powerful turnon. This does NOT translate into behaviour in real life!

While you both seem to be enjoying it and happy, just relax and enjoy! I think it's great that you can share in this way.

I think it is good that your first reaction was unease, but I think you need to be uneasy about what is happening at a societal level rather than an individual level.

At an individual level - yes, it is normal. And it is good that your wife trusts you enough to tell you. And she is very unlikely to want to act it out in RL.

But bloody hell, we should all be uneasy about the fact that society eroticises dominance and rape to the extent that it is perfectly normal for a woman to get turned on imagining being repeatedly raped by strangers.

Do you also vocalise your fantasies? If not I would possibly try that for balance. I also agree with the poster up thread about variety and role reversal.

Just wanted to jump in with my two cents (pence?). My husband and I often have some pretty naughty fantasy fun times, which I love and evidence suggests he does too :-). So this in itself isn't something to worry about.

My only concern would be whether you are having, or are able to have, more 'real life and intimate' sex. Oddly I used to struggle to actually be intimate rather than filthy with my husband, and when he raised it, we explored it, and uncovered a few insecurities on my part which we are slowly working through.

Sex is a funny ol thing, innit?!

I am going to go a little against the grain here: everyone is right that there's nothing wrong with fantasies and what people enjoy in the bedroom does not automatically play out in real life....

But, and this is a purely personal view, I think if fantasy becomes the only outlet for sexual intimacy it can point to problems.

When my stbx and I got together there was a lot of role playing and fantasy and we both enjoyed it.

But over time it started to feel like that was the only way he could get sexual enjoyment and I started to crave the more simple, intimate experience of sex between a couple being themselves. Fantasy sex became curiously lacking in emotion after a while and I came to resent feeling I had to pretend to be wanting to shag random men on uniform etc when what I wanted was intimate lovemaking with my husband.

I would say if fantasy is one note in a whole key of sexual expression it's good and healthy. If it becomes the only way you can express yourselves you may need to think about whether you need to reconnect.

I wonder if your wife's submissiveness extends to her being happy with you sharing her fantasies with a bunch of strangers (and many more rather more dubious lurkers...)

Make sure you clear your history, dude

I think it's normal. I'm like it too, my fantasies revolve around situations where I'm the submissive one, and the men involved are usually faceless strangers. But, I'd be pretty horrified if any of it happened in real life and as many have said, the key here is whether you NEED this EVERY time you have sex. If so, it becomes a bigger problem. I had an ex who always had to be acting out fantasies in order to have sex and it made me feel I wasnt needed at all!

What Turnip said.

Tunip: I don't think women having such fantasies is a modern occurance.

Paxtecum - well, we don't know what women fantasised about because we have no evidence. I suspect you are right and it's nothing new. Which is precisely what you would expect given that dominance has been eroticised at least since the Roman period.

My post in no way implied that this is a new thing. On the contrary, the mixing up of sex and power goes back a very long way.

I actually knew a couple where the wife was having rape / burglar fantasies, so one night, when hubby was allegedly out for a beer, he 'broke' in, wearing a mask and grabbed her from behind....

He woke up 40 minute later with a paramedic kneeling over him shining a torch in his eyes. Wife had whacked him round the head with a book he hadn't seen, he'd fallen backwards and cracked his head on a coffee table.

Odd things happen in Solihull you know.

OP, stick with her fantasies, relax. :)