Drowning in self pity

[WinterMuse]

Hi ladies,

Decided to NC for this one - I suppose being too proud (and silly) to blurt it out here pretty sums up why I can't do it in RL.
Here it goes: I lost all my confidence. I don't really know when and how it started and being a logical and pragmatic person, I am a loss at how to deal with it because I can't find the cause or the trigger.
The plus bits: Good career - a lot of stress, but then I'm my own boss, a lot of work but then I love work, it gives me a sense of achievement. Really proud of what I've built so far, new exciting projects ahead. Love DH to bits and he loves me. I'm healthy and so are my loved ones. No real money worries, although I'm by no means rich.
The bad bits: I feel I'm ugly, fat, boring, dull and my life is over (I'm 26). I almost wish I could blame a pregnancy for the way my body is but I got no DC. I'm a size 16 right now, but it's not just that, it's also too much hair on my legs, never gets waxed good enough, my eyebrows are not nice enough (why can't they be perfect, why can't my legs be shiny and smooth), my hair isn't glossy. I'm not a monster but I look at myself in the train window and I wonder if anyone on that train finds me just a little bit pretty; and then I really want to cry my heary out. Can't find the right clothes, can't be asked to wear heels (I used to live for my shoes) - don't want to go out because I never feel comfortable. My hair will look poo, my clothes will show my size. Tried losing weight then after about a week I lie to myself that I look good as I am. I believe the lie for a few days then I'm too embarrassed to start again. Typical, I suppose.
Then - DH is a fun loving, soul of the party, happy go lucky man. When with him, I feel even worse (not his fault in the slightest), first for realising what a miserable c* I've become and second for spoiling his mood as well. Only problem - he is 14 years older than me and a has a pretty low sex drive so although I get plenty of affection, I think the lack of sex has dented my confidence too. Don't feel attractive in the slightest, feel loved but not wanted. I started feeling ugly, boring and fat long before feeling sexually unattractive though.
My biggest fear is that the only pillar of confidence I got left (intelligence/work/skills/business) it's about to be destroyed too by the wave of self pity and lameness coming from the personal side.
You amazing, wise ladies - please help me, I'm drowning.

Op I'm sorry to hear you are struggling.

Does your husband tell you that you are beautiful, are you seeking it from the looks from other train passengers but really you want it from him?

Probably.

Do you measure confidence against attractiveness?

In other words do you think you would be more confident if you realised how pretty you are?

God I must sound really vain and pathetic!
I'm answer to your question, yes I think the main reason for my low self esteem is not feeling attractive anymore. I think most of it is the weight but all the other bits as well which make me think I'm the weirdo and all the other women must wake up every morning with blow dried hair and soft bright skin.
And yes DH tells me I'm beautiful and gorgeous and lovely every day; it's not from him I seek acknowledgment and its not from train passengers either - it's from myself.

Hi WinterMuse, I am sorry to here that. I can really empathise with how you feel.

I too am very successful at work and in structured environments, but felt rubbish socially. This was largely down to my weight. Because I felt ugly, I did not want to bother with things like make up, getting my eyebrows threaded and shaving my legs. I think I have a low level depression - I just had no desire for anything at all.

I am now on a diet and have lost 4 stone. The change in me is incredible. I am motivated in lots of areas of my life. I am seeing more people, trying new evening classes and making more friends. I also now take a great deal more care over my appearance. Today I spent £80 in boots on various things.

I know that physical appearance is a very small part of who I am. But being happy with what I see in the mirror makes me want to go out there and fulfill my potential in the ways that DO matter.

Losing weight isn't the answer for a lot of people, and it may not be for you. However, it has changed my life - not just seeing the pounds go, but by giving me a whole new confidence and outlook. Good luck.

hear, not here!

Hi Summer, thanks for your answer. How did you manage to stick to your guns and what made you say "that's it!" ?

Therapy is an obvious suggestion, I don't know if you've tried it. You have great things in your life - your work, your husband - you're still very young - a baby in fact - you just need to improve your relationship with yourself.

There isn't a woman in the world who doesn't wonder why she can't be perfect - and it's because we're not wax dolls.

If your weight makes you unhappy, people report good experiences with Weightwatchers, and you could join a women only gym. Getting fit and in shape does really help self esteem & also makes you feel better physically.

"he is 14 years older than me and a has a pretty low sex drive so although I get plenty of affection, I think the lack of sex has dented my confidence too."

It does sound like a slow vicious circle. Being rejected sexually (or backing off from sex) dents your confidence, low confidence means you don't like yourself much, not liking yourself much means you don't take care of yourself as well as you could.... and that brings you back to a disappointing/inhibited physical relationship.

It's good that there's affection in your marriage & your DH tells you that you're beautiful. How about you team up and try to improve your health/appearance together. Include lots of bouncy jungle sex in the programme as it burns calories!!!