Midlife crisis meets menopause

[floatinginthesea]

We have been struggling for the last couple of years with DH's midlife crisis. Severe depression, lack of satisfaction with his lot, grass is greener syndrome. Not much intimacy. I am now peri menopausal - sore boobs, hormones, prone to cry and likely to get even more apple shaped. I'm scared to tell DH in case it pushes him away altogether. We have one child aged 7. Any ideas? A yon experienced this?

For one, I don't think it's helpful to trivialise your DH's behaviour as a mid-life crisis. If he's depressed, he should see a doctor. If he's dissatisfied with his life, he should try to change it. If the grass seems greener, he should go check out the other side of the fence rather than whining. If he's not intimate with you, that's a very serious relationship problem. Happy couples in strong relationships tend to cleave together in times of crisis.

So if you're unhappy, say so. Seems to be OK for him to do his gloomy Eeyore act at everyone else's expense. Seems to be OK for him to push you away. Why are your needs, fears and opinions less important? Because you're a woman? Because you think it's your job to keep the family together? I don't really understand why you're worried about pushing him away. He seems to be removing himself from you voluntarily.

Time to talk, basically. You might not like the outcome but you'll feel better about yourself if you speak up than if you stay mousy quiet.

As someone who sailed through menopause without noticing I can't advise except to seek help f rom your GP if your symptoms are bothering you. I know women who have used HRT with huge benefit, others who have gone down the alternative medicine route, again with significant benefit. There's a lot of menopause help out there, so no need to suffer in silence.

As for not telling DH - this in itself points to a major problem in your relationship. Stable couples talk to each other and support each other. The menopause is a fact of life and I really can't understand why on earth you are scared to broach the subject with DH unless you fear that this might be the proverbial straw in which case your relationship must be in far worse shape than perhaps you are prepared to admit?

Has he been formally diagnosed (ie GP) as "severely depressed"? And if so is he receiving treatment?

I agree with above poster - time to talk. If DH won't talk - time to review your options.

I can't see how telling your DH that you have health problems will push him away unless he is not that keen on you in the first place.
I suppose what you mean is he has enough to deal with already with his own problems and you don't want to add to that with yours.

I think you each need to do 2 things: 1)face up to your own medical problems and get professional help 2) support each other.

If he is severely depressed ( as opposed to just bloody fed up ) then he needs medical support, counselling and maybe career coaching to address all the issues. Seeking out people who can help is the first step.

If you are finding the run up to the menopause hard then seek help- there is plenty out there and HRT is there to help with quality of life, if symptoms are so shitty that they are impacting on your work and relationships- or there are complementary treatments like acupuncture that help some women.

Once you have each started to help yourselves, then you can help each other. If he has withdrawn emotionally from your marriage then you need to ask is this because of his depression or is he depressed because of the relationship. Chicken or egg?