Compromise, but how much?

[catdoctor]

This could be long and boring, there's so much to say, but here are the bullet points. I've no girl friends so looking to MN for advice.

Me and DH been together 22 years, married 13.
I've compromised big time.
I've compromised on many deal breakers leaving me disrespecting myself.
I've compromised on matters against my better judgement.
I thought what you did was work at a relationship - but I've only just twigged you need to choose the right relationship to work on.
I'm suspicious DH has Asperger's - have had vg advice from MN on that - he will not enter any discussion on that front.
He's always there, doesn't cheat, doesn't judge or try and change me.
I am very lonely.
DS1 came along as a bit of surprise 3 years ago, I was so ready to love again and the intensity of the love has consumed me.
I made a deliberate decision to try for DS2 despite no real marriage and here he is. So much love I could weep.
So as I chose to have DCs in this vacuum, I think I have to stick it out.
No real option of 'do I stay or do I go'.
No way I'm sharing my DCs and only seeing them half the time. No judgement on anyone else's choices.
When in my cups, the only reasonable fantasy seems to be DH dies - but soon, so DCs can be less affected.

So, the question is, how do I find peace?

I made a deliberate decision to try for DS2 despite no real marriage and here he is

No way I'm sharing my DCs and only seeing them half the time. No judgement on anyone else's choices.

When in my cups, the only reasonable fantasy seems to be DH dies - but soon, so DCs can be less affected.

I, for one, am absolutely speechless. I'm not here to defend your husband (I don't know him), but I'm afraid you come across (at best) as having made some pretty deliberate and poor life decisions or (at worst) a pretty horrible person.

This is insane. You had your children despite feeling no love for your husband, and now wish he would die so you could have your children all to yourself?

Has it ever crossed your mind how much this is going to damage your children? They are your husband's children too, you know, and presumably he loves them too. They are entitled to spending time with their father. Your children are not you property.

The first child was an accident.

Thank you again for replies - you're quite right, I should attend to my own faults, I will try harder to be a better person.

Am I allowed to switch this off now? I'll hide the thread, I've never expressed these thoughts outside my own head,so I'll put them back there now.

OP I hope that you can see past the wrong-headed personal criticism to the posters who have offered genuine advice & support. Contrarian is quite an odd bloke, so I'd ignore take his comments with a pinch of salt.

No-one else has implied that 'should attend to your own faults.. & try hard to be a better person' - quite the opposite: the general view expressed is that your husband is the problem, but the problem may be not precisely how you have interpreted it thus far.

Penelope has covered everything I was going to say, so I will just echo that, so far as it is possible to speculate about labels on the net, this doesn't sound like Asperger's at all.

Your husband sounds selfish, narcissistic and bullying, and maybe not very bright. What you describe as 'compromise' OP, sounds more like being bullied into decisions you're not happy with.

Trying to avoid divorce simply because you're a product of it seems quite perverse. There are many marriages that are far more miserable than divorces for all concerned including the children. Surely the point is to make sure you and your children are in a happy, loving, secure environment no matter what.

I am odd.

We should all try harder to be better people.

I don't wish to drive you away from these forums op as that would rather defeat the point, but I would invite you to think of the decisions you've made and the extent to which you're responsible for the situation you now find youself (and your kids) in.

When you understand that (and only then) you can start to set about making decisons that improve your life for the better.

Wishing your husband the father of your children dead and not being prepared to share custody of your children (presumably in any circumstances) are not the ramblings/musings of a reasonable person. I stand by that. You've been very honest, and I despair for you, I really do, but if what you've written is even half true...........

The OP strikes me as perfectly aware that she is responsible for the situation in. She just doesn't know how to fix it.

The more you emphasise the situation being the product of her decisions the more you will convince her that this whole thing is entirely her fault, she's made her bed & has to lie in it.

In fact, the situation is created by two people: two people's decisions, personalities, issues etc.

Do I really have to explain that the fantasy of someone dying is not an expression of a genuine wish, but simply a daydream resolution to an intractable problem? If he wasn't there, she would be relieved of the agonising situation she's in. It's not real.

I personally don't think that this is a bed she should be lying in. The fact is though (for me anyway) that taking responsibility - even for shit decisons- is utterly empowering. Once you realise and accept that you're in a fix (even partly) due to decisions you made, you start to realise that making different decisions changes your outcome. If you don't acknowledge that, you become a bystander in your own life - with everything being someone elses fault. I'm sure we all know enough of those people.

As for the wishing the husband dead.........

My wife and I have had our fair share of disagreements over the years. There have been many times that I wish she'd "do one" I have NEVER EVER wished her dead. I honestly can't imagine ever wanting to do that. By the op's own admission, he's good with the kids. If he loves them and they love him (regardless of how bad their marriage is) I struggle to see how wishing him dead is in anyone's interest but the op's. Even if it is a "daydream".

Contrarian - it may be empowering for you to accept responsibility, but in this case the OP has been conditioned to think everything is her fault; read back over her responses & that should be obvious. This is NOT the time for her to be blaming herself for every aspect of the situation, but in her current state of mind that is how she will read your posts.

It's a very responsible duty MNers have to ensure that they are careful of how things they write may be interpreted, and the often distraught or abused women here stuck in a distressing situation can't always be expected to think as clearly as we can looking in from a distance.

I do understand your point, but this really isn't the time for the OP to be dwelling on how she might have done things differently. Now is the time to offer her the strength & help to get out of the situation she is in THEN reflect on what not to do in the future.

Again Contrarian, I do not see someone who is not taking responsibility, or seeing the situation as 'someone else's fault', I see someone who is blaming herself.

As she says: "No need to censure me on my choices - I am my own worst critic."

So what personal insights you've had into responsibility for your own shit decisions is not actually relevant in this scenario.

Nor is the fact you love your wife. I love my husband too, far from every wishing him dead, it's one my worst fears. However, this, too, is completely irrelevant to the OP.

She doesn't like her husband very much, he sounds bloody awful, she feels trapped, and she's got the point that Dorothea did in Middlemarch when she realised that if Casaubon would just pop off, she would be free. Eliot obligingly gave him a terminal illness, these days you just need to get divorced.

The OP says this is the first time that she's opened up about her marriage and I am concerned that your mis-readings will shut down this source of support.

It really isn't my intention to "scare the op off"

The op has options, but ironically enough there is a cost/compromise involved in all of them. I genuinely feel for the op, and especially for her children. The situation sounds pretty grim.

I've offered advice in the belief that if you can understand what you might have done differently, you're less likely to dig yourself deeper into a hole by making similar mistakes. That's fundamental, for anyone. Critical analysis is essential. The op is perfectly entitled to ignore my views of course.

Op, I hope you haven't gone... I am the product of the parents that stayed together too long. Separation was a huge relief. Please keep posting, and work up the courage to leave and be happy. Pointless looking back, it's forward we're going, like it or not

Every divorced person I know, including me, has had the "wouldn't this be easier if s/he would just die" fantasy. Not the same as actually wishing them dead, I think. It's generally said from despair and just total fed up ness than vitriol and real desire.

I can understand fantasising about your STBX's death if he has been abusive. Otherwise, fantasising that your children will lose their father? Wow. Just wow.